Today, both houses of Congress are expected to pass their respected bills to end the government shutdown now in its second year. Since the middle ground has long been relinquished the more radical elements of both houses and parties have taken over the proposals.
Pelosi’s House Plan
-No walls of any kind near the border. Any structure within a twenty miles of the border that has been standing since the previous administration may remain but at least one side will have to be removed or demolished. This amendment to the bill has been dubbed by the press as the “Manger Amendment.”
-Anyone who had crossed the border without documentation in this millennium is automatically a citizen and qualifies for food stamps, medicaid, social security and senior discounts at any national chain restaurant.
-School nurses and gym teachers are deputized to perform abortions without parental approval to any student with a C average or better. Students whose grades are below passing will need a note from their homeroom teacher or boy who accepts responsibility for knocking her up.
- Guns may not be transported, fired, cleaned, sold, traded or owned on federal, state, local, family and personal holidays, full moons, new moons, eclipsed moons and days ending with the word day. Otherwise, shoot the place up.
McConnell Senate Plan
-Every state in the continental forty eight must wall their borders by the year 2024 or lose their highway funding and farm subsidies.
-Anyone who crossed the border without documentation will be arrested for rape, murder and diluting American culture. Known criminals could face extra charges of drug dealing and being not white.
-Any fertile woman refusing vaginal intercourse to her legal spouse, unattached cousin or horny neighbor will be charged with denying life to a potential fetus.
- Gun owners enjoy the freedom guaranteed them by their home states wherever they travel or commute in the United States. And bazookas are covered by the Second Amendment.
Don Arrup
Satire1
