In Memorium

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this blog and others like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tower of Barrbel

Senator Snatch

Attorney General Bill Barr, have you read Catcher in the Rye?

BB

Yes, Senator Snatch, and was disappointed to find so little baseball in it.

Senator Snatch

What is your opinion of Holden Caulfield?

BB

He’s a runaway. A fugitive.

Senator Snatch

You don’t think being expelled from his boarding school constitutes a release?

BB

He’s an underage malcontent loose on the streets of New York City not long after the conclusion of the Second World War. 

Senator Snatch

But he was expelled.

BB

Which does not constitute a release on his own recognizance. He’s underage. He might not even be wearing his own pants. He could only be released to the custody of his parents assuming he was created biologically.

Senator Snatch

Holden Caulfield never had a mother. His father, if an author might be judged as such, was J. D. Salinger. 

BB

A known Catholic sympathizer.

Senator Snatch

The United States Senate library doesn’t have a copy.

BB

You want to borrow my copy of Catcher in the Rye?

Senator Snatch

That is the request of this committee. 

BB

It’s part of the White House’s library. You’d have to ask the president.

Senator Snatch

President Trump won’t give us as much as a dirty look or birthday card.

BB

I think he could share a look with you but there are a hundred of you guys- persons. 

Senator Snatch

Is there anything in the novel pointing to the president having conspired with robots?

BB

Probably but I just skimmed through it while on the train.

Senator Snatch

I turn the microphone over to Senator Trash. The chair recognizes Senator Trash.

Senator Trash

Attorney Admiral Babar, have you read Mein Kampf?

BB

Yes Senator Trash.

Senator Trash

What was Adolf Hitler’s original title for his memoir?

BB

I believe it was Four and a Half Years of Struggle Against Lies, Stupidity and Cowardice.

Senator Trash

So he was writing about his visit to Washington?

BB

No, Senator, Hitler never came to our shores. He wrote Mein Kampf years before Catcher in the Rye was published.

Senator Trash

In Mein Kampf does Adolf Hitler express any opinions on racial and religious groups?

BB

He uttered strong beliefs in the superiority of the Aryan race as he called it.

Senator Trash

Were there any other ethnic groups he singled out for- I don’t know- disparagement? 

BB

Well, Hitler was a very humble and demure man, not given to sharing his opinions unless compelled by attention. And he eventually got a lot of attention.

Senator Trash

How did he feel about people of the Jewish faith?

BB

He didn’t consider them to be Aryan.

Senator Trash

Anything else?

BB

He didn’t consider their contribution to German culture to be of value.

Senator Trash

Would you say that Hitler hated Jews?

BB

I don’t recall him saying that.

Senator Trash

Didn’t he blame Jews for all the ills of the world and German society.

BB

No more than Republicans blame liberals and Democrats blame conservatives for all the evils and shortcomings of our nation.

Senator Trash

Didn’t Hitler blame the Jews and Communists for all the evils and shortcomings of the world and didn’t Holden Caulfield blame Hollywood for all the phoniness and hypocrisy of the world and isn’t Hollywood founded and run by Jews?

BB

Robert Mueller found no evidence that Holden Caulfield met, telephoned or had any direct or indirect contact with Adolf Hitler. 

Senator Trash

Isn’t that usually the case between fictional and historical figures?

BB

Not in historical novels. 

Senator Trash

May I suggest, Attorney Babar, that you are living a fiction.

Senator Snatch

The chair recognizes Senator Flash.

Senator Flash

Thank you, chairperson. Acne General Booboo, have you ever read the Bible?

BB

No, Senator, I have not.

Senator Flash

Ever seen any films or velvet canvases based on stories in the Bible?

BB

I’ve seen The Ten Commandments, The Greatest Story Ever Told and Porky’s 2.

Senator Flash

Porky’s 2 is definitely the word of God. 

BB

It reflects the values and content of my life, certainly Senator.

Senator Flash

Did you find any of the material contained in any of those three films to be objectionable and/or Un-American?

BB

I thought the shower scene in Porky’s 2 demanded more development.

Senator Flash

No argument there AGB. How about Lott’s wife turning into salt after looking back at Sodom?

BB

That was another has been studded Sunday afternoon matinee throwaway. I did see it. I had blessedly forgotten it. And now I remember that I found that scene to be a responsible and accurate commentary on the over salting of movie theatre popcorn, Senator. 

Senator Flash

Now, back to the shower sequence in Porky’s. Which of the members of the United States Senate who are running for the presidential nomination of their respected parties would you most like to see through the shower room peep hole?

BB

Though I think I would be interested in seeing a number of the prospective presidential candidates from the Senate naked I would vastly prefer to see a former member of the Senate au naturel.

Senator Flash

And who would that former Senator be?

BB

JB.

Senator Flash

Former Senator and Vice President Joe Biden?

BB

Correct.

Senator Flash

Would you care to share with us the reasons for your preference for the former Senator?

BB

I’ve heard rumors.

Senator Flash

Rumors?

BB

Big rumors. Very- very well endowed rumors.

Senator Flash

No small hands problem?

BB

They say there isn’t a pair of small hands in Scranton.

Senator Flash

I’ve heard that. Don’t you think the former Vice President gets a little bit too handsy with those big mitts of his?

BB

It is the oldest form of healing- the laying on of hands.

Senator Flash

I’ve read that and it is in the Bible.

BB

And Porky’s.

Don Arrup

Satire1