Even before he ever thought of running for the presidency, Donald Trump was no fan of winter. While attending New York Academy he was known to complain bitterly that none of the nation’s Ivy League colleges were in the more temperate regions of the United States.
In his college admissions essay to U Penn’s Wharton Business School he accused Canadian Communist clothing manufacturers of imposing the change of seasons on the entire hemisphere in order to extort the sun loving free people south of their border into buying down and woolens.
(Un)real estate and entertainment success afforded Donald the opportunity to live in Florida when he wasn’t busy firing people on national television and gracing the front pages of the New York tabloids. To those who have long known Donald, it was assumed that his war with winter had ended in a draw- until he became the lame duck president.
Since that Saturday the Democrats danced, the president has been obsessed with buying enough time to halt the imposition of the coming colder season which he was planning to forestall until the Vernal Equinox in late March.
By secret executive orders, President Trump deployed the Air Force to halt the southern migration of birds telling the Pentagon that it represented a severe economic drain on the American tourist industry and wild egg futures. All trees on federal lands were ordered to hold onto their leaves until fresh green ones were budding to take their place. All fury animals in the national parks, the national zoo along with dogs used by the military and federal law enforcement agencies were ordered to not thicken their coats under penalty of reduced rations.
President Trump did try in good faith to bid Biden to extend this regimen for the first two months of Biden’s term in order to get the country to spring break un-chapped but Biden, a known lover of skiing, fireplace cuddling, hot chocolate and other cold weather perversions, declined. House Speaker Pelosi, a native of Baltimore, Maryland who had long ago escaped to the San Francisco Bay Area, wouldn’t hear of it.
The president had been contacting governors, mayors and county executives to widen the Fall foliage ban to local parks and lands. In July, he cajoled famous fashion houses not to succumb to a new season siting Covid concerns. His television network contacts along with the pandemic restrictions put a kibosh on the new Fall broadcast season.
Still, autumn slowly and belatedly has been taking place giving ever greater threat to winter following. And then the election happened- sort of. So finally, last week, in desperation, with his legal challenges failing, the president brought in all the top officials and scientists from NASA to brainstorm what the United States could do in the next four weeks to correct the tilt of the Earth.
“I hear all this nonsense from the climate changers about global warming when all you have to do is stick your head out the window in most of the country,” the president said yesterday. “Given another four years I could have made America summer again.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
