As buildings and bridges collapse throughout the nation and Biden’s super infrastructure bill covers everything from financing urban drug corners as enterprise zones to admitting the Moon into the Union as the fifty first state calls from alarmed citizens and opportunistic politicians for the arrest of all architects is reaching past local and even federal courts.
The solutions to never needing to upgrade or repair structures has been with us all along. In a country run by lawyers why rebuild anything when we can sue and imprison the architects? Satire1 went to the mountain of rubble at what used to be 42cd Street and Broadway in New York City to ask pedestrians both tourists and locals what they want to see happen.
Guy Say Hi
“The Empire State Building was hit by a bomber and lost one elevator group. Open for business next day. This was before architects started balancing glass boxes on their butts.”
Guy Say Bye
“If we built buildings like the Egyptians did nothing would fall down.”
Woman With Hat
“No building need be more than three stories tall. Make elevators illegal for all but the handicapped and too high heeled. Tear down downtowns and take the hat off Manhattan.”
Woman With Cat
“I really can’t see how a sane person can wear pants in a basement. Subsurface spaces are the underwear of any building. The same goes for shirts and blouses while in the attic.”
Him
“Normal eats babies.”
Her
I always always wanted to live in one of the houses I drew when I was a girl. I only drew houses under a big yellow sun. I never drew night houses. I think that’s what the architects have been feeding us. I think they’ve been slipping in night buildings and Moon houses. And now the Sun is going down.”
Her Sister
“The mistake we made- and this was a long time ago- is we let men stay in the house. I guess they’re just wasn’t enough caves and in many parts of the world you can barely scratch out a grave.”
Who?
“I blame Issac Newton. I’m not saying architects are totally innocent. They use gravity. They are in league with the forces of nature. They designed the hospital you were born in and the sepulture you will be entombed in. To them you’re just a sack of sauerkraut that moves around some while alive. So they build a better mousetrap.”
Who’s Friend
“Think of the first woman to pick up a gutted carcass and think I could put things in here. And then realized caves are hard to decorate.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
