Anybody But Mitt

Former Governor Mitt Romney on the campaign trail

"I think if there is one word that describes me it would have to be conservative. I am a true conservative, have conservative values, governed the Commonwealth of Massachusetts conservatively, have lots of kids, same wife. religious and filthy rich. Now if that doesn't spell conservative I don't know what does. Almost everyone thinks I'm conservative. Very conservative. The only people who don't think I'm a conservative are the conservatives."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Belated Valentines

To Newt Gingrich from Mitt Romney

I love your big pants and reporter spanking charm

Your sordid marriages and spiteful ex

You really did no harm

And though we fought and spat

On our debate dates

Throughout the year

Soon we'll be dancing together

Kicking Obama's rear

To Mitt Romney from the poor

It wasn't news to us

That we had lost your love

You've fallen for the Mad Hatters

And their libertarian lust

But your heart is not so free

No matter what you say

And on your knees you'll beg

Come next Election Day

To Dictator Assad from "his people"

You murdered us outside our Mosques

Each Friday since the Spring

You bully us just like your father

As to your throne you cling

And though your tanks still trample

And your helicopters spray

There are not enough bullets in all the world

To make us go away

To President Obama from the American Catholic Church

A sticky fight

When it comes to rights

And for each act we must pay

You sided with women

Against our boss

November is Judgement Day

Don Arrup

Satire1

Poor

In response to Republican Primary frontrunner Mitt Romney's statement that he doesn't care about the poor Satire1 spoke to the other candidates in this year's presidential election circus on their thoughts on the subject.

Mitt Romney

"First of all let me get the record straight as to what I said that caused so much controversy. The liberal media has misquoted me by snatching a sound bite and editing it to embarrass me and try and keep my nomination competitive. What I actually said was I don't give a shit about the poor because they don't vote, there is a safety net called prison to catch them and then they can never vote and I'll build enough prisons to make sure that there is a roof over every Americans head and a hot meal to nourish them."

Newt Gingrich

"I let my record as Speaker of the House speak for me concerning the plight of impoverished Americans. I have never and will never care about America's poor. That is why I ended welfare. As a candidate I called Obama the food stamps president and assured the American people that those down on their luck will starve when I become president. There will be plenty of positions open in our armed forces once I get us into war with Iran and the Moon for those who will grasp the opportunity and I know for a fact that at least some of the millions former governor Romney pays in extortion to the Mormon Church is going towards the poor. "

Rick Santorum

"I don't think it is the government's role to interfere with God's plan. Jesus said the least among us belonged to him and that they will inherit the earth after the rich have stripped it of every mineral and nutrient. The federal government's anti-poverty programs are anti-christian and inviting the undereducated masses to damnation through material comfort."

Congressman Ron Paul (the only one with a job)

"I don't know who Mitt Romney is talking about when he talks about the poor because that is just about everybody except for the handful of suits he belongs to who have been erecting this giant ponzi scheme and calling it an economy. If you're an American you are broke because the country is broke, the currency is worthless, dollar bills are just IOUs to the Chinese and if you think you own a house you better think again because that house owns you and hopefully it provides some privacy and protection from the elements because the only thing increasing faster than property taxes will be the interest rate on its mortgage and the decline in its value."

President Obama

"I'm tired of listening to my critics accuse me of caring for the poor and I challenge them to point to one thing I've done as president to ease their plight. Everything I've done since taking office has been to preserve the middle class and try and keep them from joining the poor. My expansion of the food stamps program is welfare but it is corporate welfare preserving the profits of General Mills and the American Meat Association. Just as my health care bill is designed to protect not the health of the American people but the health insurance industry. The extension of unemployment benefits rescued breweries and distilleries both local and national in danger of losing customers."

"Even back in my community organizing days I was caroling bodies to the voting booths to keep the same ham handed politicians who scream and holler for the conservative media while collecting their envelopes in office. I don't see how any reasonable citizen could mistake such shameless manipulation as caring."

"The American people are a generous and caring people as long as it doesn't cost us anything. In good times and bubbles we believe that anyone who works hard at school and isn't killed by drug gangs has a chance to make something of themselves. In hard times we believe that anyone who is poor is stupid and lazy and might as well join a drug gang."

Don Arrup

Satire1

The Devil And Bill Parcells

Bill. Coached the Black Nights till offered the throne of the fly boys who he flew to national prominence. Pros beckoned. Made the Giants giant again and again then went to hell to the Was Boston Patriots owned by Kraft. Always Bill took Billy with him. Even after he got the beantown boys to the big time and blew back to the Apple to fuel the lowly Jets. Jersey Boy Bill found comfort in Gang Green and retired to an office trusting Billy to keep the Jets soaring. But Billy blew back to Bosstown and has been nothing but trouble since.

Bill went Cowboy for a while while Billy embraced Bad Boy Brady. Bill finally retired for good to his Jersey hood but Billy is back and up to no good.

Purple Birds. Our hope lied in them. The ravenous Ravens had the Pats down pat but for a toe of a sky snatcher and the guy who foots pigskins. The ray of light and Lewis that reached the field from the angry heavens was gone. He's off to Hawaii with the other fallen.

So now only the Giants stand in the way. Can Big Blue save the day?

Grabbing Gronkowski has a bit of a gimp but flanker spanker Wes still rides the wind like Mercury through defenses puzzled and muzzled by Billy and Brady's flying circus. Let the blitz begin.

Not since 1940 when England stood alone against the onslaught of evil has the fate of so many fans fallen into the hands of so few. What is G coach Coughlin to do?

Pound the rock. Even as B&B rack up the score. Hit and block. Make their shoulders sore. Brad Jack and Shaw must carry the day and ball till late in the first half they begin to crack the New England oyster. Let the play action begin. Then Cruz will cruise, Manningham will be the man and ole Saint Nicks will move the sticks. The thin Blue line of Osi, Canty, Tuck and lucky Pierre must allow no time for Brady to air.

Eli's coming. Top tier or no the score will show. In the final minutes it will fall into his hand. Strike up the band.

Duane Charles Parcells and Billy Belichick created this mess. Their coaching promiscuity, broken contracts and exchanged draft picks allowed an evil dynasty to fester in the far northeast. Now New York must kill the beast once and for all so that heavens light might once again fall on America's beloved game of football.

Go Giants.

Don Arrup

Satire1