Why I Won't Miss November

Cell Phones on Airline Flights

"We're going down. We're going down. There is nothing under this plane but air!"

Forty Hours is Full Time?

You're either on salary/commission and working 60 or working under 33. Four Senators claim the 30 hour definition for ObamaCare would cut workers hours. What planet do they work on? Forty hours is standard for government workers (disappearing and covered already) and factory jobs (gone).

JFK Conspiracy Theories

It's been fifty years. Yeah, we can probably figure it out now.

Senate Votes To End Filibuster

Senators will have to get their Dr. Seuss on their own time. The Cat In The Hat will come back. You heard it here first.

Iranian Nuke Clock Strikes Zero

Invest in marshmallows.

Food Stamps Cut, Farm Subsidies Untouched

Seventy per cent of farm subsidies go to huge corporate farms growing Frankengrains. Ronald McDonald will not go hungry.

Vatican Modernizes Official Church Language

Pedophile priests only allowed to use pig latin.

ObamaCare Website

Don Arrup

Satire1

Popeye Doesn't Live Here Anymore

It has been common knowledge among primary school children for generations that Popeye the Sailor Man lived in a garbage can throughout the period of American Ascendancy. Many attributed his fall from national hero and icon of American machismo to the decline of the nation's maritime industry and an ugly divorce from Olive Oil over the paternity of Sweet Pea (recent DNA tests affirm it was in fact Wellington Wimpy). So the question that has troubled the American people since the onset of the Great Recession remained: If Popeye the Sailor Man lived in a garbage can in good times, then where the hell is he living now?

Some experts on cultural matters and professional Popeyeists contend that Popeye, born January 17, 1929 in Thimble Theater, is deceased. His inadequate housing and diet of worms could only be survived by a younger cartoon as chronic exposure and lack of fiber probably compromised his ability to spit out the germs. While the Veterans Administration refused to close the case on one of the Navy's greatest WW2 heroes contending that millions of Americans live in WalMart whack ups, the modular sheet rock (pronounced shit rock) pre fab plastic plumbing disasters mounted on poured concrete and two by four skeletons. The VA contends that the vast majority of modern housing offers less protection and security than the metal trashcan Popeye made his castle. 

Forces in the construction industry have taken issue with the VA's pronouncements claiming that since the American Dream was quietly assassinated in the late Seventies their cardboard mansions offer an effective facade of respectability and affluence which is all most Americans ever wanted in the first place. Owners can point to their high utility bills and crushing mortgage payments as proof that they have "made it" and that many of the modern houses built in areas without weather should holdup for many generations of rabbits and fruit flies. 

The Popeye controversy recently peaked when students of the University of Baltimore followed up rumors in homeless shelters that Popeye had recovered the inheritance left by his Pappy and bought a newly constructed home in Baldwin, Md. The old salt who refused to be photographed or videotaped had a squint right eye, corncob pipe and chin like a baby's fanny claimed that his steel trash can had finally rusted out after sixty years and he couldn't replace it with one that wasn't made in China so he reluctantly bought the house. 

"This be a very pretty trash can but too's big for me. The landlubbers that's live here need 'em cause they gots so much crap and they likes to keep it organized so's it like everybody's got their own indoors garbage scow."

Asked by the BU students if he felt his new circumstances would change him he replied, "I yam what I yam be it in this or the old trash can."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Chaos.gov

Satire1 gained access to the God Help Me office of the Affordable Care Act Initiative Strike Force to find out what questions citizens were asking regarding their new health care choices. We spoke to Faceless Bureaucrat who runs the secret unit of economists, communists and insurance experts who some suspect understand the system.

S1

What was the most frequently asked questions from those who called or logged into your website?

FB

Can I keep my current health insurance.

S1

And will they?

FB

Get real.

S1

Besides debunking that fantasy what was the most frequently asked question by men?

FB

Will my new policy still pay for my Viagra.

S1

And will most policies still cover that fun saving drug?

FB

All policies will cover Viagra which now will be the primary therapy for impotence, incontinence, high blood pressure, heart disease, prostate cancer and depression to name a few. 

S1

What do women ask?

FB

They wanted to know if their health plans would finally stop giving their husbands Viagra.

S1

What were the concerns of parents?

FB

Would their plan cover elective surgery to remove their kids from their backs.

S1

For ObamaCare to work large numbers of young adults have to sign up. Has that been happening?

FB

Only the young hypochondriacs and the ones with previous conditions.

S1

Do you believe that a majority of younger adults will enroll?

FB

Yes, but by the time we get this system working they won't be young anymore. 

Don Arrup

Satire1