Missed Obituaries 2014

BUGS BUNNY (19-?-2014)

Hired by Warner Brothers in the late 30's as a cartoon extra for barnyard and parade scenes, Bugs skyrocketed to fame in his first starring role in A Wild Hare (1940) earning an Academy Award for best Rabbit and cementing his career at Warner's. Bugs continued making shorts for Warner's as the most popular cartoon character in the world until 1960 when his constant battle with sex and carrot addiction began to affect his career. 

A longtime resident of Toontown, Bugs was interviewed in the crime documentary, Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) and then appeared again in NASA's training film, Space Jam (1996). BB later took his talents to education serving as principal and dean of Acme Looniversity and is survived by first squeeze Honey Bunny and current whoe Lola Bunny and his 482,621 offspring.

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER (1818-2014, eighteenth known death)

Dr. Victor Frankenstein's monster or creature who came to be known simply as Frankenstein was born eight feet tall without a mother in a laboratory in Germany. Big Frank survived not only numerous marriages to females stitched together for his edification but fires, collapsing castles and exploding damns. Unable to find a fulfilling career or even a lowly job Frankie took to hanging out with blind men, hunchbacks and vampires- literally anyone who offered a little company and sustenance. 

Widely considered the poster boy for failed social services policies and liberal intervention, Dr. Frankenstein's creation would today be diagnosed as severely autistic and his habit of throwing small children in lakes and tearing arms off the of constables as poor cultural adaptation and political incorrectness.

MR. ED (1937-2014)

Bamboo Harvester was the castrated or gelding palomino who was remarkable not only for his ability to speak English but with such a deep voice for a eunuch. He was castrated by his keeper Wilber Post after he found Bamboo inside his wife Carol who definitely liked them big. Even after defusing the eleven hundred pound former stud, Wilbur ran his architect business out of the horse's stall so he could keep an eye on the rakish equine. 

By the early 90's, the talking horse was aggressively recruited by both right and left wing talk  radio stations but chose to keep his political views to himself. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Grinch Guide To Holiday Cards

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah and Kwanza. Whatever gets you Muslims and Buddhists through the winter- go for it. I want everyone to enjoy the end of the year but if you are contemplating sending me any greetings in the snail mail or e understand that:

-- I love snow and find even cartoon representations of it tolerable. 

-- I hate snowmen. They're just a couple of big snowballs piled up with a Smiley face done in dried fruit. They're stupid, useless and they melt. If there is a snowman on the card white it out. No questions asked.

-- All religious themes are acceptable but fit young women in bikinis preferred.

-- Archaic toys (tin soldiers, hobby horses, etc.) were never part of my childhood except on ugly holiday cards. The blood bath ends here.

-- Guess where you can stick your candy canes.

-- Never ridden in a sleigh. Never want to.

-- Angels acceptable but still prefer fit young women in bikinis.

-- I hate your kids. I really hate your dog and I can barely stand you. No family pictures. Give me a chance to forget.

Holiday Greetings- pending

Don Arrup

Satire1

Senate Decides Torture Hurts

Senator Pilfort

"I thought water boarding was just the summer equivalent of snow boarding."

Senator Whacker

"Months of sleep deprivation interspersed with random outbursts of blaring screams and lights that never turn off. Hell, throw in no nookie and you'd have my first year of raising each of our six kids."

Senator Cyclone

"Isn't Guantanamo on the Carnival Cruise Lines?"

Senator Duster

"Being coerced into sitting through the State of the Union address ought to be illegal."

Don Arrup

Satire1