Deflate Gate In Perspective

*Part One of Super Bowl Confidential

With the National Football League's Super Bowl, the most watched sporting event and broadcast in the world, just days away, the investigation into the New England Patriots responsibility and perhaps even conspiracy to deflate balls used in their playoff games refuses to go away.

Satire1 in the spirit of good sportsmanship and fair play has interviewed leading historical figures on the controversy.

Al Capone

"Hey, I don't mind the Patriot's tight end going up the river for running his own Murder Incorporated but deflating the game balls is just out of line."

Captain Morgan

"I can understand Ray Rice punching his fiance and OJ murdering his ex and Vick drowning his dogs because that was family and should stay in the home but come game day you've got to show a little respect for the rules."

Dutch Schultz

"So what if the Saints coaches were paying off defensive players for injuring key opponents? That's just healthy competition. But dealing out dead balls in big games is Un-American."

Ted Kaczynski (The Unabomber)

"Squashing reports that your league's players are scrambling their brains in every game is just sound marketing but letting the air out of the rock is serious  business."

John Gotti

"The problem is that the players are taking all the drugs when it's the coaches that need them. I know what it's like to run a criminal organization."

John Wilkes Booth

"Look, Favre's phallic selfies, the Vikings Whoe Boat, drugs, DWIs, domestic violence, murders and Bountygate are fine but Belichick already had Spygate. Somebody ought to let the air out of his balls."

Don Arrup

Satire1

State of Diunion

President Obama addressed Congress on the State of the Union for the sixth time Tuesday night. 

My fellow Americans,

The country is once again in a state of undeniable turmoil. The exceptional film Selma was not nominated for Academy Awards in directing, writing or acting. So Michelle and I invited the creator Ava DuVemay and David Oyelowo who sort of looks like Dr. King to the White House as a consolation prize.

As their limousine took them from the airport to the White House the driver thought he would swing our guests past some of the capital's sights including the Washington Monument. Mr. Oyelowo, a British citizen, thought the monument was a giant Klansman and forced the driver to smash the limo into the entrance of the obelisk. Fortunately, no one was hurt but Mr. Oyelowo was arrested for talking funny and overemphasizing his consonants. During his arraignment officers of the Metropolitan D.C. Police Department suspected Mr. Oyelowo of hiding an organ of generation in his trousers and restrained and de-pants him.

Prime Minister Cameron of the United Kingdom then exploited this misunderstanding to accuse its former colony and recent ally of impressing British actors to our shores in order to gain a competitive advantage in our entertainment industry and Public Television fund raising commercials. These accusations were made publicly on the floor of the Parliament where Mr. Cameron like all Members of Parliament enjoys immunity from Britain's strict defamation laws.

I have formally requested from Congress authorization to wage war against our former oppressor. Prime Minister Cameron's country has stolen our language, corrupted our community colleges, held down our minimum wage, scared us off from a single payer health care system, tried to ram a Canadian pipeline down our throats and flooded us with schmaltzy, sentimental soup operas that pass for intelligent programing. 

Through bad example and propaganda Great Britain relentlessly attempts to distort us into its own image. Wall Street, despite near wrecking the entire world's economy just seven years ago, continues to press Congress to deregulate our markets into the lawless pirate island London has been for years. Our regressive tax policy assures today's top earners will become the new American aristocracy while the majority of Americans slide deeper into stagnant wage serfdom. 

They even call soccer football! Have they no shame at all?

We can take these limeys. Our CIA has already aligned with several of the most powerful Irish and Scottish separatists and if we act now- we can turn this nagging mother country and her neighbors into the New Middle East. 

Now, I know you're saying who needs a new Middle East? We do. We can't do anything about the old Middle East. Nobody can and no one ever could. The Greeks, the Romans, Turks and then the English. All any of them ever did was make it worse.

So you're sitting at home, Mr. and Mrs. America and you're asking yourselves, 

what are you. Mr. President, going to do about the old Middle East? And I say this: We lied. We died. We tried. Now we are getting out of there. 

My Republican colleagues will say that leaving the Middle East in the midst of sectarian strife and civil war is a mistake but when have we ever done anything in the Middle East that wasn't a mistake? The Camp David Accords? Maybe. And even if that wasn't a mistake then we used up the one exception.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Say As Do I

President Francois Hollande of France

How can these extremists possibly justify their violent tactics against their fellow countrymen just because they don't like what they draw? France is a democracy and we welcome people from our former colonies to become full French citizens but they must respect other's religion and culture.

Can't they see that when their daughter goes to school with a scarf on her head that she is oppressing me? She is urinating on my parents and grand parents graves going back generations- all the way back to our glorious revolution when the people- all the people- could for the first time express themselves freely and all disagreements were settled peacefully and amicably by the guillotine. 

The nun, the Catholic nun teaching in Catholic schools, might wear a habit and this covers her head- but she is married to God. I- we- the French people can't tell God's wife how she can dress. Even God won't go there. God likes to live in Heaven but if he starts telling all his wives what to wear they will raise Hell so where is God going to hang out?

This Muslim French girl in school with a scarf on her head. I can't concentrate. I can not run the country. I feel every time her head moves. Right, left, up, down. It does not matter. It is like her head becomes an eraser and she is erasing France. Wiping us off the map. Out of history. Out of our very memory. It is like Caesar did not stop long enough to take a piss between Spain and the British Isles.

We don't shoot the Muslim French girl. That would barbaric. That would not be French. We cut off her head. Leave the scarf on. It does not offend us if the head is off because the head off is French. This is patriotism. This is the French way. If her head could still talk it would say Je Suis Charlie Hebdo.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Agent Double "0" Popeye's 2015 Predictions- Congress and Obama

The Senate's new Majority Leader Republican Mitch "The Bitch" McConnell will be caught making out with President Barack Obama in the President's former Senate Office just minutes before the State Of The Union Address.

This surprise will only slightly offset the scandalous interracial extra marital lesbian affair between current First Lady Michelle Obama and former First Lady Hillary Clinton who were secretly videotaped and YouTubed changing the weather under the other's skirt. Their dual tongue storms will blow viral not only on Earth but throughout the Universe as the speed of light fails to keep up with the scandal.

Representatives in the House will hold their first full scale Republican Revival Meeting and Supply Side Salvation Party as the Democrats clean out the hand out hand job union brothel they ran in the Senate during their tenure.

Bipartisan gender optional Capitol Hill square dances will be held every weekend through March heavily attended by legislators from both parties.

The Republican Congress and President Obama work together to pass a bill to reduce corporate taxes by more than half. All three of the American corporations that actually pay the tax applaud the bipartisanship while the Cayman Islands and Republic of Ireland declare it a ploy to steal their tax base.

Don Arrup

Satire1