In Memorium

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this blog and others like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Texas Falls to United States

President Obama announced on the flight deck of the USS Intrepid on the Hudson River "Mission Accomplished" as the Second Marine and 3rd Army divisions overran the Texas National Guard, Texas Rangers and hundreds of neighborhood militia groups to take the Lone Star State's capital in Austin. 

The Pentagon has rushed thousands of Spanish and Country speaking interpreters to deal with the civilian population in what is predicted to be a long occupation before the United Nations can install robotic brains in the inhabitants. White, heterosexual, Christian politicians, law enforcement officials and clergy are being executed in social media trials followed by firing squads using the accused's own firearms. 

All Texan children under the age of 10 are being rounded up and distributed to either gay or Muslim couples in the legal 49 States while minors 10 and over are being loaned out to nail salons across the country or to Mexico to pick crops . Former United States Senator and Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz was arrested for treason along with the rest of the Texas Congressional delegation.

As former Texas Governor Greg Abbott was lead out on the flight deck in chains, President Obama said above the roar of the crowd, "And maybe one day, perhaps even in our children's lifetime, the Stars and Stripes will fly over Delaware!"

Don Arrup

Satire1

NFL Rules Patriots Ball Deflation and Calls for Castration

Tom Brady's voice might change and affect his career in television commercials. 

Jim McNally, locker room attendant, and John Jastremski, equipment assistant, for the New England Patriots underwent acupuncture castration this morning under the treatment of Fu Manchu LAc. in the basement of Arthur's Steaks 8th Avenue in NYC. Super Bowl Most Valuable Player and quarterback for the Patriots Tom Brady will be "fixed" this afternoon.

The procedure was described by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as similar in effects to chemical castration used against rapists in Texas who elect the procedure rather than serve 20 year prison sentences. Mr. Brady and the two ball boys were offered no such choice and were alone found guilty of purposely deflating footballs during the Patriots 45 to 7 squeak past the Indianapolis Colts in the American League Conference Championships last season.

Dr. Fu Manchu, when not controlling world sex trafficking and opium trade, conducts acupuncture castration and herbal sex changes for celebrities and politicians across the globe. He explained: "Basically I'm doing to their balls what they did to the game balls in question. Sticking a pin in and letting out contents no pump will restore."

Commissioner Goodell believes Tom Brady chirping signals before the snap and sounding like Minnie Mouse at post game interviews will send a strong message to potential cheaters. "Hey, we've had no trouble scrambling brains for decades. What's the big deal with scrambling a few eggs?"

Don Arrup

Satire1

Chicago Sports Thugs Caused Baltimore Riots

Lost in the all the racial and class issue discussions concerning the recent riots in Baltimore, Maryland is who profits from the chaos. One look at the facts plainly points to Chicago who's struggling professional sports clubs were both playing the Baltimore Orioles in Baltimore while the NFL draft was snuck to the Windy City in order to swindle the Baltimore Ravens and New York's two professional football clubs.

Sportswriters for Chicago's top papers had been harping on strikes, fouls, errors and the stealing of bases and whatever else rioters could get their hands on while promoting their White Supremacist Socks as they faced the Black and Orange Baltimore club. 

The carefully orchestrated civil violence proved an astounding success in the complete denial of access to Baltimore fans to the game between the Orioles and White Sox. Pictures of Camden Yards empty while their home team won a 8 to 2 victory scored a significant psychological victory for the "other pinstripes."

Meanwhile, in the City of Big Shoulders sensitive and demure college football stars were subjected to shameless exploitation by the pornographic paparazzi and brain bruising grid iron slave owners in an orgy of big meat marketing flesh peddling frenzy that had lost any hint of the dignity and tradition of Rockefeller Center's NFL draft.

While in Kentucky, as troops and auxiliary police poured into Charm City from five other states, Post Capone knuckle crackers pulled the strings to another Derby. All this to deflect attention from the blatant fixing of the NBA Basketball and NHL Hockey playoffs through corrupt officiating. 

Reactions from fans throughout the country:

"If these Chicago thugs in their pinstripe suits and two tone shoes started swinging their bats at your balls- how would you react?"

"The Orioles colors are black and orange because half the black men in town have been in prison."

"Marching these young men- boys still really- up on stage and putting hats on them. Why don't they just put them in swimsuits and high heels if you want to exploit them?"

"I think this is all Chicago trying to get even with New York. They're trying to ice the Rangers and shoot the Brooklyn Nets through the hoop. The Crabtown riots are just a diversion cooked up by Second City agitators to distract the media during the greatest and widest sweeping sports swindle in history."

Don Arrup

Satire1