Thursday, June 18, 2015

Blaze Lee Starr

Forensic scientists in both United States and Great Britain have concluded that despite all appearances and consequences, DNA analysis of the two corpses proves that British Horror star Christopher Lee and world famous Baltimore stripper Blaze Starr were not the same person. Though family members, booking agents and fans across the globe threaten law suits and riots, Scotland Yard and the FBI stand by their claim that they were separate and individual human beings who probably never even met.

"You can't tell me that wasn't Chris with the leopard on his shoulder while wearing the cat spotted bikini at the 2 O'Clock Club," said Birgit Kroncke, Lee's wife of over fifty years. "I'd know his bosom anywhere."

"Christopher and I had no secrets from each other and he told me all about his affair with Louisiana Governor Long and Paul Newman when he was performing in New Orleans," she continued. "I think he was exaggerating about Jack Kennedy but even if he wasn't JFK was only a Senator at the time anyway."

"What happens in Baltimore stays in Baltimore is the motto," the widow concluded. "I loved Christopher Lee when he was Chris and when he was Blaze. Gender is just biology. We never let science come between us."

Fannie Belle Fleming aka Blaze Starr's relatives in West Virginia disagreed. "Fannie played all those monster roles in England. She was the greatest Dracula of the screen and how could a man play a Mummy?" asked sister Judy Fleming. "You could see that was Blaze under all those bandages in Curse of Frankenstein and the Mummy. You couldn't hide Blaze's curves under a circus tent."

President Obama weighed in on the controversy after his morning brief. "When celebrities die within a week of each other obviously they were the same person. Everybody understands that. Now I'm not sure about this DNA testing or the other molecular Voodoo our intelligence agencies have been trying to fool us with but let me say this: I honor Ms. Starr's service in the Special Forces of the Royal Air Force in World War 2 at the age of ten and no one on this Earth looked better wearing nothing but a rose than Christopher Lee."


P.S.
As a native Baltimorean I assure you that the only thing bigger than Blaze Starr's bosom was her heart. She led tiny neighborhood and church parades when invited and brought disabled veterans to her nightclub for special performances at her expense. She was not only the Queen of Burlesque, she was the Queen of Baltimore.

Don Arrup
Satire1

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