Halloween TV Schedule 2015

Fox 

12pm   Paul Ryan in Screamer of the House

3pm     Donald Trump in The Mouth That Wouldn’t Die

6pm     Ben Carson in Prescription for Chaos

9pm     Carly Fiorina in The Incredible Shrinking Woman

12am    Jeb Bush in Ghost of the Front Runner

MSNBC

 12pm   Bernie Sanders in There is a Specter haunting Europe

3pm      Martin O’Malley in Was He Ever Even There?

6pm      Hilary Clinton in Return of the Wronged Woman

9pm      Joe Biden in Joe Biden

12am    Review of Obama Years (Not suitable for taxpayers under 1040)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Don Arrup

Satire1

Ohhh Canada

Justin Trudeau, the leader of Canada’s Liberal Party and Christmas Baby of former Prime Minister Lucky Pierre Trudeau, won in a landslide Monday as the ruling Conservative Party lost 60 seats and its coalition bitch New Democratic Party’s meager gains couldn’t begin to make up the difference.

Current PM Stephan Harper and his Conservatives reigned terror and responsibility on our northern neighbors for nine years balancing budgets on the backs of operatic farm girls and underpaid Mounties while feeding the cream of Canadian entertainers into the jaws of Southern California. 

As American politicians deplore the invasion from the north of British and French immigrants who refuse to speak American and learn our lack of manners, Harper conspired to economically cooperate with Mexico and dissolve the borders of the United States until it becomes “a highway system between urban theme parks and historic malls” prompting President Obama to ask Congress to declare the two neighboring countries friendship “on hold.” 

As the Red Maple Leaf continues to ravage our bordering states and claim the Great Lakes as their own, incoming PM Trudeau promises along with Mexico to reduce its bigger brother to “the crack in North America’s ass.”

Analysts on both sides of the border agree that Harper and his party lost because most Canadians didn’t vote for them. The elections came just a week after the Canadian Thanksgiving Holiday (celebrated six weeks earlier to monopolize the fattest birds in the hemisphere) and marks the two hundred and third anniversary of the Canadian destruction of Detroit which is scheduled to be rebuilt right after New Orleans and Afghanistan. 

Minor corruption scandals like Senators accepting ice cream cones and hand jobs in the halls of power (“We keep it friendly here”) contributed to the Conservatives fall. Prime Minister Designate Trudeau was born on Christmas Day, 1971, three years after his father’s electoral sweep. He claims his election is a mandate to “take down the 48 that have been up our ass forever and make them the whoopee cushion for far western socialism.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Over the Din

The Constitution of the United States states “The House of Representatives shall chuse (their spelling not mine) their Speaker and other Officers; and shall have the sole power of Impeachment.” This line ends Section 2 of Article 1 which describes the powers, election of and functions of the House. There is no reference to any of the powers of this “Speaker” or who might hold the office or even if it need be a member of the House. 

Though House Democrats have always automatically voted in their party leader, the Republicans have not. This opens the door to a far wider range of candidates which only Satire1 will share with you.

Donald Trump

Has said that he would be happy to run the House while he campaigns for the Presidency and plans to retain the position if elected President. Since the Constitution doesn’t prohibit it, Trump says that he would be the perfect two for one candidate. 

Lady GaGa

Claims to have both the voice to be heard over the chaos and the legs to kick reps in line. “I won’t need the House whip,” the chantreuse exclaimed. “I’m bringing in my mentor, Madonna, to crack the leather and put the brass back into the brassiere.”

Bill Cosby

“I’d talk to the women of the House first and the wives of some of these clowns. I just need some one on one time alone and I think we can really get down to it.”

Bill Clinton

“I have no hard feelings for those who impeached me. It was a different time and I think with me as their Speaker I could represent them well at the breakfast table when my wife’s elected.”

Stephen Colbert

“The Constitution doesn’t require that the Speaker be anywhere near Washington or even be alive or a human being. I could run this House of Representatives from my Late Show desk and address them in my monologues.”

Bill Belichick

“If I let all the hot air out of this Congress it would be more than enough to provide an atmosphere for Mars.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Church Vs Pizza

Explaining that since pizza is not mentioned in the Bible and God, apparently, doesn’t approve of the tomato and cheese corrupted flat bread, Pope Trump (he tired of the United States Presidency after two years and twelve wars) has declared that the eating of pizza or similar perversions of the same ingredients (stromboli, calzone, pizza bagels and bites) will be considered a mortal sin beginning the Monday after the Super Bowl. “Even Jesus might have a slice if his Saints make it in again,” the pontiff exclaimed.

The newly appointed Jewish Pope or “Rad Rabbi” spoke from the Super Synagogue in True Israel, Florida declaring that if the pig was circumcised before puberty it could be smoked into Kosher ham. The Futures Market exploded in orders of pork bellies as delicatessens from Manhattan’s Lower East Side to the Jewish strongholds in Montana and Mississippi broke out in bacon wars fought with firearms.

Now that ISIS controls all of the Middle East and Europe, England is the new Israel in isolation. Scotland, which was always secretly Muslim, broke out in Scotch plaid burkhas and the red beard boys had to drop the hem on their kilts to Saudi Sand Sweeps. Thames telly premieres the new Brit-Com about the life of the Prophet Mohammed called “Work for your Wife” to rave reviews and suicide bombers. 

The Supreme Court of the United States found that the different denominations of Protestant Christianity are not religious organizations since they failed to abuse and sexually exploit their children. Catholic, Muslim and Jewish clergy testified to the continuing hypocrisy of Protestants following their creed. “They’re just trying to make us look bad in front of God.”

Four National Football League defensive linemen were given the death penalty for touching a quarterback Monday. They will be decapitated during halftime of the Sunday Night Football game. Lawsuits continue to be filed against the league by former players claiming chronic helmet hair and inability to dance without scoring a touchdown.

Don Arrup

Satire1