Thursday, October 22, 2015

Ohhh Canada

Justin Trudeau, the leader of Canada’s Liberal Party and Christmas Baby of former Prime Minister Lucky Pierre Trudeau, won in a landslide Monday as the ruling Conservative Party lost 60 seats and its coalition bitch New Democratic Party’s meager gains couldn’t begin to make up the difference.

Current PM Stephan Harper and his Conservatives reigned terror and responsibility on our northern neighbors for nine years balancing budgets on the backs of operatic farm girls and underpaid Mounties while feeding the cream of Canadian entertainers into the jaws of Southern California. 

As American politicians deplore the invasion from the north of British and French immigrants who refuse to speak American and learn our lack of manners, Harper conspired to economically cooperate with Mexico and dissolve the borders of the United States until it becomes “a highway system between urban theme parks and historic malls” prompting President Obama to ask Congress to declare the two neighboring countries friendship “on hold.” 

As the Red Maple Leaf continues to ravage our bordering states and claim the Great Lakes as their own, incoming PM Trudeau promises along with Mexico to reduce its bigger brother to “the crack in North America’s ass.”

Analysts on both sides of the border agree that Harper and his party lost because most Canadians didn’t vote for them. The elections came just a week after the Canadian Thanksgiving Holiday (celebrated six weeks earlier to monopolize the fattest birds in the hemisphere) and marks the two hundred and third anniversary of the Canadian destruction of Detroit which is scheduled to be rebuilt right after New Orleans and Afghanistan. 

Minor corruption scandals like Senators accepting ice cream cones and hand jobs in the halls of power (“We keep it friendly here”) contributed to the Conservatives fall. Prime Minister Designate Trudeau was born on Christmas Day, 1971, three years after his father’s electoral sweep. He claims his election is a mandate to “take down the 48 that have been up our ass forever and make them the whoopee cushion for far western socialism.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

No comments: