Sunday, November 29, 2015

Turkey Bowl

Putin’s Panthers vs Obama Lay Backs
PP’s aerial attack was overwhelming OL until an offsides penalty stalls drive. PP continues to protest the call but Turkey refs have turned a deaf ear.

Trump Thunder Tongues vs Texas Ted’s Cruisers
Big Apple attitude offense drowned out Ten Gallon Hat D but with his volume at its highest Trump’s running game may not have anywhere to go. 

Califate Cowboys vs NATO Yoyos
CC squanders early gains in ground game with long pass into opponent’s territory stiffening resolve in NY’s defense.

Hillary’s Hillbillies vs Sander’s Socialists
HH continues to draw flags while moving ball closer to goal but can’t keep Sanders from hanging around.

Don Arrup
Satire1







Thursday, November 19, 2015

Reign of Error

The House of Representatives passed the America Safe Act today which requires any emigre from Syria or Iraq to sit on the lap of the Director of the FBI or Homeland Security before being given a lollipop.

President Francois Hollande of France called for changes to their Constitution to allow unreasonable searches and seizures and for blanket authority to detain suspects in house arrest.
Maximilien Robespierre and Louis Antoine de Saint-Just have been resurrected out of retirement to form a New Millennium Committee of Public Safety.

“Why should the French people suffer this foreign terror when we were the ones who invented terror?” President Hollande asks. “Those disgruntled with our way of life are free to complain to Madame Guillotine.”

While on the campaign trail:

“Syria is just far eastern Mexico,” Donald Trump explained. “To the south they’re all drug dealers and to the east they’re all religious fanatics. Same brown people. Same hot sand.”

“America has made a promise. Okay, the black Harvard guy did,” said Obama. “But let me ask the American people this: do we want to be murdered by recent Middle Eastern emigres or do we want to be slaughtered by homegrown maniacs with access to arsenals?”

“Americans have the right to kill Americans and to be killed by Americans,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “American terrorists should have first crack at the American people. This rushing in Middle East thugs while the pickings are still good infuriates me. What did we buy all these guns for if not to shoot each other?”

“The French consume way too much dairy products,” said First Lady Michelle Obama. “Squeezing a pound of butter into every croissant is just madness. And croissant is just French for crescent and the crescent moon and a star is the symbol of Islam. If the moon is made of cheese the symbol of Islam is telling you to cut down. And the French wouldn’t do that so they cut the French down.”

“This is a nation of immigrants and if we truly are the land of opportunity and equality than I say anyone who comes here legally has an equal right to kill us.” said former governor Jeb Bush. “Only I would as a Christian prefer to be murdered by a fellow Christian.”

“Infallible YouTube predicts Manhattan is the next Paris but ISIS can’t murder us anymore dead than Al Qaeda did," said former this and that Hilary Clinton. "So what’s the big deal?”

Don Arrup 
Satire1



Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Appsland Uber Alles

New York City Mayor Bill De Something Brooklyn announced today that his administration would stop trying to limit the growth of the Axis Powers App Uber which operates under the cover of an internet car service. Rather than lose more police officers in shoot outs with the outlaw black ops cars, DeBlazio purposes using negotiations and armored vehicles to steer Uber drivers into the more socially acceptable sidelines of drug dealing and gun running.

Complaints from NYC taxi medallion owners grew as the unregulated Uber drivers began taking over unauthorized organ harvesting and the kidnapping of white babies to sell to China. “I’ve gotten rides at the height of rush hour when it is impossible to get a yellow cab in Manhattan,” said Bernice Bloblot, “but I’m down both kidneys and a lung at this point.”

“My account wasn’t charged a penny on the ride where they took my baby,” said Pookie Whigurl, “in fact, the man on the phone saw to it that I got extra credit and was guaranteed a free ride to the hospital next time I break water.”

“Internal organs theft and the redistribution of white babies has always been a carefully regulated pillar in the New York City economy through the taxi medallion system,” said the mayor. “Though some of the west coast cities have chosen incarceration or even extermination as the preferred method of dealing with the cancerous growth of internet enabled vehicular outlaws, New York City is riding the new wave. We’d arrest you if you didn’t have so many lawyers; lock you up if our jails weren’t so overcrowded; kill you if we didn’t need the ride.”

Uber Technologies Inc. was founded as an American International transportation network company by two cyber thugs in 2009 to run sex slaves and stolen babies around San Francisco. Quickly expanding across major U.S. cities, Uber soon was offering its service anywhere on the globe where depravity and inhuman appetites had funding. 

Widely criticized for offenses to every cultural norm, Uber defends its record of blackmail, kidnapping, murder and gossip. “When you used to get a ride from your parents didn’t they own you? Control you body and soul? Take you where they approved whether you did or not? asked Lawyer General Whackoff Wycoff, Esq. “All under the auspices of that nefarious fantasy of the dark analog ages called Love.”

“At Uber we will not lie to you. We have no interest in your confidence, satisfaction or loyalty. We want your money, your body, your organs and your babies.”

Uber has suggested that it might consider compromise with uber market NYC. Offers to kidnap babies of all colors and boys and transexuals along with young women could bring the mayor and City Council on board. Religious minorities have requested that internal organs not be taken on high holy days and during the World Series in the two participating cities. “We just want to prevent a double tragedy for fans who could lose the World Series and a kidney on the same day.”

Don Arrup
Satire1