New York City Mayor Bill De Something Brooklyn announced today that his administration would stop trying to limit the growth of the Axis Powers App Uber which operates under the cover of an internet car service. Rather than lose more police officers in shoot outs with the outlaw black ops cars, DeBlazio purposes using negotiations and armored vehicles to steer Uber drivers into the more socially acceptable sidelines of drug dealing and gun running.
Complaints from NYC taxi medallion owners grew as the unregulated Uber drivers began taking over unauthorized organ harvesting and the kidnapping of white babies to sell to China. “I’ve gotten rides at the height of rush hour when it is impossible to get a yellow cab in Manhattan,” said Bernice Bloblot, “but I’m down both kidneys and a lung at this point.”
“My account wasn’t charged a penny on the ride where they took my baby,” said Pookie Whigurl, “in fact, the man on the phone saw to it that I got extra credit and was guaranteed a free ride to the hospital next time I break water.”
“Internal organs theft and the redistribution of white babies has always been a carefully regulated pillar in the New York City economy through the taxi medallion system,” said the mayor. “Though some of the west coast cities have chosen incarceration or even extermination as the preferred method of dealing with the cancerous growth of internet enabled vehicular outlaws, New York City is riding the new wave. We’d arrest you if you didn’t have so many lawyers; lock you up if our jails weren’t so overcrowded; kill you if we didn’t need the ride.”
Uber Technologies Inc. was founded as an American International transportation network company by two cyber thugs in 2009 to run sex slaves and stolen babies around San Francisco. Quickly expanding across major U.S. cities, Uber soon was offering its service anywhere on the globe where depravity and inhuman appetites had funding.
Widely criticized for offenses to every cultural norm, Uber defends its record of blackmail, kidnapping, murder and gossip. “When you used to get a ride from your parents didn’t they own you? Control you body and soul? Take you where they approved whether you did or not? asked Lawyer General Whackoff Wycoff, Esq. “All under the auspices of that nefarious fantasy of the dark analog ages called Love.”
“At Uber we will not lie to you. We have no interest in your confidence, satisfaction or loyalty. We want your money, your body, your organs and your babies.”
Uber has suggested that it might consider compromise with uber market NYC. Offers to kidnap babies of all colors and boys and transexuals along with young women could bring the mayor and City Council on board. Religious minorities have requested that internal organs not be taken on high holy days and during the World Series in the two participating cities. “We just want to prevent a double tragedy for fans who could lose the World Series and a kidney on the same day.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
