Zika Eureka

While the government of El Salvador pleads with its women to avoid pregnancy due to the mosquito borne virus Zika which has been shown to cause severe birth defects, new evidence has been emerging that the Big Bad Z might on rare occasions be transmitted through sex.

Satire1, ever vigilant in the face of hopeless disaster, has interviewed a wide variety of physicians (never a good sign when doctors are referred to as physicians), public health officials, professors and beer bellies with a lot of old tires in their backyards in order to better inform our readership. All the interviewees have requested to remain anonymous since no one actually knows or understands shit about what is going down.

“This most recent development in the research concerning sexual transmission of the fever through intercourse is most disturbing. As if there weren’t already enough reasons to say no.”

“Personally, as an expert and a human being, I prefer getting laid to being bitten by a mosquito.”

“I’d probably notice the mosquito biting me more than anything my husband’s done for the last ten years.”

“Did they have to say ‘on rare occasions?’ I only get laid on rare occasions.”

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Debate Deletes

South Carolina Republican Debate

Moderator 

For our first off the camera question we address all the candidates: What would you do as President of the United States to see that every tax paying American gets some reasonable amount of ass?

Jeb Bush

When I was Governor of Florida nookie was never a problem for Floridians. Half the country travels to our state just to take their pants off. We don’t build our churches on the beach and you can swing what you want on the greens.

Ted Cruz

I believe marriage is a sacred contract between a man and a woman and God. I believe that I was a master debater at Princeton because I was a masturbator. A minister guided masturbation program that respected the Second Amendment and placed no undo strain on Confederate widows or Canadian espionage.

Marco Rubio

They can make love so much cheaper in China that Americans can no longer expect to be employed as lovers. Our nookie is being outsourced to the Communists and Third World which by the way Cuba is both.

Donald Trump

I’d just like to say right now, I’ve fucked everyone on this stage.

Jed Bush

That’s outrageous.

Donald Trump

I thought you’d have a tight ass, Jeb.

Jeb Bush

You can’t just say anything you want without YouTube documentation.

Donald Trump

Humped up your piggyback on First Avenue, Hoboken surrounded by illegal aliens raping Muslims who were dancing to the fall of the WTC.  

Jeb Bush

That never happened.

Donald Trump

The towers did come down. Not as fast as your trousers, I’ll admit, Jeb, but pretty fast. And with my other Florida boy-

Marco Rubio

It was just a blow job.

Donald Trump

That’s right, Ruby, just nod and agree in my lap for ten minutes.

Chris Christie

I’m tired of you treating me like a doughnut shop.

Donald Trump

The point, CC.

Chris Christie

I’m a jelly doughnut, okay?

Donald Trump

You’re a jelly roll.

Chris Christie

That’s a hairdo.

Donald Trump

That’s my hairdo.

Jeb Bush

Let Chris be a jelly roll.

Ted Cruz

Let my people roll!

Marco Rubio

Are they serving doughnuts?

Donald Trump

To the nuts with all the dough.

South Carolina Democratic Debate

During the longest commercial break late in the debate. Hillary Clinton and Barry Sanders are bumping back and forth between their podiums in a lip and hip lock. Director’s voice over the intercom: We’re back in 3 minutes. Hillary breaks free.

Hillary Clinton

You kiss better than Dick Cheney.

Martin O'Malley

This is supposed to be a threesome.

Hillary Clinton

Looks like just you and your hand, Maryland.

Barry Sanders

Sex is socialism at its essence. You can’t have private ownership of the means of reproduction.

Hillary Clinton

Come here, Gov. Just don’t screw like you’re running for Vice President.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Sweet Sixteen

Predictions for the new year from Satire1

Before the ball drops again in Times Square, President elect Donald Trump and his gay marriage partner Bernie Sanders will join Vice President Elect Kim Kardashian and her husband whoever to host the New Year’s Eve edition of Saturday Night Live at Rockefeller Center. Bill Clinton and his New Democrat Combo will be musical guests and Hilary Clinton and Sara Palin will do parodies of 30 Rock and Parks and Recreation.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz will resign from the Senate and politics to premier his vacation/travel reality podcast of Cruz with Ted.

Senator Marco Rubio of Florida will enter Cuba illegally in a candy striped dingy and overthrow what is left of the Castro Regime and petition for statehood for the cigar island on the floor of the United States Senate while wearing a pink Panama hat with a polkadot band.

Former Governor of Maryland Martin O’Malley will be on the cover of every major magazine in the world after he confesses that he was drugged and raped by Bill Cosby in 1967.

Don Arrup

Satire1