Fright Night 2016

FRIGHT NIGHT 2016

The real Fright Night 2016 is Tuesday, November 8 but in observance of Halloween and the horrors to come next week Fox News and MSNBC run their holiday specials.

Fox News

6pm     A Fistful of Hello

8pm     Return of the Regulator

10pm    The Devil Wears Pantsuits 

12am    Saving Private Equity

2am     Trumptanic 

MSNBC

6pm     The Trumpford Wives

8pm     Shadow of the Co Pay

10pm    The Server in the Cellar

12pm    Not Another Bimbo

2am      Not Another Weiner!

Don Arrup

Satire1

C Town Glory

For those of you who are not Major League Baseball or history buffs, a little primer to put tonight’s World Series opener between the two longest suffering franchises in professional sports in perspective. 

The Last Time The Cleveland Indians Won The World Series

--Native Americans (i.e. “Indians”) were the only people here to play baseball

--Umpires had just begun calling balls and strikes since language was just invented

--There were no home teams or home runs since the concepts of a settled domicile and private property had yet to be invented

--Fly outs and pop outs would today be considered indecent exposure

--A sacrifice bunt could not involve a minor or non consenting adult

--Hot dogs were free but you had to catch them

The Last Time The Chicago Cubs Won The World Series

--The ball had yet to be invented

--Both leagues were still integrated with Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon players

--The Detroit Tigers were actually Saber-toothed tigers 

--Games were not scheduled but spontaneous meetings of rival hunting parties who threw rocks at each other and swung their clubs to return thrown rocks  

--Hot dogs, yeah, but don’t ask

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Shrimpathon

The city of Las Vegas, Nevada consumes 60,000 pounds of shrimp daily almost on par with the total shrimp consumption in the rest of the United States combined. Since the Gulf of Nevada produces few shrimp (zero to be exact as there is no Gulf of Nevada) all of the shrimp is imported from other regions of the United States and abroad. 

Asians particularly love shrimp and the Chinese refer to shrimp (and lobsters and prawns) as “Sea Dragons” while the Sioupachejo tribe of Baldwin, Maryland refers to the delicacy as “Small Hands.” As fate and television ratings would have it, C (linton) Dragon debates Small Hands Trump in Las Vegas tonight. A veritable shrimpathon.

Moderating the debate (as if moderation on any level was even a remote possibility) will be Chris Wallace, estranged son of Mike Wallace, the famous 60 Minutes milquetoast. Chris was a 1951 All American Pre School Linebacker for the Northside Chicago Crib Crushers before playing Ninja and outside executioner for the elite Hotchkiss School in Lakeville, Connecticut.

Reporting and anchoring for three of the four major networks , Wallace has maintained his technique of Tasmanian Devil interviewing seeking the interviewee’s genitals even over the truth. “Fact checking is not the moderator’s job but the opposing candidate’s. I just go for the balls and see what rolls out.”

Critics from both parties claim that since it is fall and far into the race the opposing candidate will try to hide their nuts from squirrelly journalists even in front of the entire nation. Wallace promises more action and controversy than a Kardashian pajama party and to shed more blood than light in this dark campaign.

President Obama praised Wallace’s intentions. “I’ve been in this office for almost eight years and the one thing I have learned above all else is the American people don’t want to hear the truth. And I don’t blame them. The truth sucks. And if you think things are bad from what you see and read, let me tell you.”

“The economy isn’t bad. It’s over. Done. Our schools are doing a good job of preparing our children for 1955. They can get great jobs but they will probably have to move- back in time. And as far as international affairs, Israel will survive. We won’t. This is our last election before Shari Law replaces Donald Chump or Hellary Clinton with a Caliph and the Supreme Court with a bunch of beards.”

“And you don’t even want to know what will happen to my Cubs.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Monster Masher

It was on a plane at thirty thousand feet. Practically outer space. I noticed when I went to wash my small hands that there was an attractive young lady apparently alone, possibly lonely, maybe even a little frightened of being away from her mother for the first time- her real mother- the mother of us all- Mother Earth- she’s like a broad in Greek Mythology- I went to college. I FELT AN OBLIGATION to invite her out of her outer space isolation. I HEEDED A VOICE that said invite the young woman to the seat I always reserve for such emergencies- legs up to here only her hemline went higher- higher than the plane- the seat next to me.

I explained the crisis to the stewardess who promptly and discretely passed the “upgrade” to the lass. Yes, I arranged it. Yes, I was deceitful in a generous and sensitive way so as not to make the young lady feel in any way obligated. The stewardess, tall, blond, Dutch like I like them but too busy at the time, escorted the accuser in question to the open space on my love seat. We were at at least thirty thousand feet- maybe even forty- practically outer space- Earth rules don’t apply. I’m up there. I’m Captain Kirk with an attractive- well, all the broads on the Enterprise are knockouts. No fatties. No dogs. No dogs. No hogs.

I was talking to this woman and it was thirty years ago when people still got laid and thirty thousand feet- deep space- even the Moon was like a dot- and it’s Star Trek and I’m Captain Kirk and she was no Spock I can tell you and we hit an air pocket as we were leaving the Earth’s atmosphere and I could feel the air pressure plunge so I plunged my small hands into her lower orifices so her bowels and birthing apparatus wouldn’t be sucked out of her into the cabin by the violent vacuum. 

I was applying First Aid!

Look, doctors and nurses are going to deny this. They lie because no woman would take a plane again if this got out and there is no pill they can sell you to stop it so with no buck for them or anybody why blow the airline industry’s racket? 

I’m talking about Tunnel Rectum and Puckered Pussy. Very real dangers for women. You can forget your creams. Forget your essential oils, special diets, yoga. Nothing is going to protect you, ladies. Especially your doctors. And the reason your doctors and nurses and therapists can’t help you is that they deny Tunnel Rectum and Puckered Pussy exist. Tens of thousands of cases documented every year and they’ll tell you it’s all in your head. No, Dumbbell, it’s in my ass not my head. Bill me when you get your head out of yours. 

The doctors and the nurses and the airlines. Cahoots. The difference between a nurse and a stewardess? The uniform. Their own mothers couldn’t tell them apart. On the first Thursday of every month, the doctors fly the planes and pilots put on white robes and hit the hospitals and operating rooms. This has been going on for years. Since Monica Clinton and Bill Lewinsky.

And the real question is- who’s the victim here? A young woman now an old broad, unbeknownst to her, is invited to an upgrade from steerage to first class on the Starship Enterprise and gets to sit next to the Captain. The Star Fleet Captain since military school. Soon to be Star Fleet Commander in Chief. And we hit a bump and everything changes and the air changes and she just consumed my small hands with her vagina and anus. Taking advantage of them as though they were little children. 

And I really wouldn’t go there if it wasn’t for the flagrant violation. Being accused of giving first aid to a young woman with so much of her femininity just hanging out of her no dress and now I’m supposed to be the bad guy? I saved her life. She was able to walk all the way back to steerage. No problem. Able to walk right through the rest of her hurtful, bitter life.

Saved her from an in flight air pressure hysterectomy and this is how she thanks me. 

The broad in my tower was all over me. There’s no question. I kept trying to bob and weave between her relentless frontal attacks on my lips, my face. I can’t even mention what my small hands were trying to protect down there. It wasn’t my wallet, I can tell you. And she gets frustrated and then dizzy and before you know it I’m performing CPR on her to keep her on her feet. Probably the only guy beside her brother who ever did that. CPR, ladies and gentlemen. It was mouth to mouth. I don’t sing show tunes. And now, still alive after I saved her, she’s accusing me of what? kissing her? Give me a break.

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Supreme Diversity

Sixty years ago, Ruth Bader Ginsberg attended Harvard Law School as one of seven women in a freshman class of five hundred and became a member of the school’s prestigious law review. Her husband’s promotion to New York City brought Brooklyn born Ruth back to finish her law degree at Columbia. Later, she would be initiated into the super secret robed society of the The Supremes which is the enforcing arm of the Universal Cahoots Council of Catholics and Jews which clandestinely controls our species and planet.

Justice Ginsberg, a born a then Jew, was hoping to be joined by another member of her tribe, Merrick Garland, whom President Obama chose to replace recently deceased Roman Catholic Anthony Scalia. But Republicans in the Senate balked at the prospect of a robe from the Mid West. Senator Babel Belt “The Senate has preserved a careful coastal monopoly in the court that can not be sullied by a “tweener” from Illinois. We appreciate that Judge Garland is named after a storied American rifle and is a descendant of Israel but Justice Scalia’s preservation of the secret Constitution will not be undone by one of Obama’s fellow Chicago hoods.”

Concerns across the political spectrum that the Two Law Schools, Two Religions, Two Coasts Court was corrupted by Ginsberg’s migratory judicial education are being stated for the first time in the media by the ruling Oligarchs. “Let the Protestants and Mormons and even Minorities be President and legislators. Nothing they do lasts anyway. But when it comes to the Supremes you’re talking appointments for life.”

“As long as we can keep the Protestants and agnostics battling over blowjobs and bathrooms the Elders of Zion and the Holy See can continue to run the world,” Ginsberg explained. “Rabbi Xi Jinping and Cardinal Putin have provided wonderful distraction on the international front. All the fuss in the Middle East is just jockeying on the part of Muslims to get a better deal for the sand traps. You don’t see the Buddhists making trouble. They know Tibet is for tourists.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Blow Matthew Blow

Hurry hurry hurry Hurricane Matthew

Forty six years ago today Janis Joplin died

For love of Matthew who never bought her albums

Attended her concerts

Or stared at her poster on his wall

The Baltimore Orioles go to Canada today

To face the godless bats of the northern barbarians

Bring Baseball’s best to Baltimore

Where they can reclaim the land as theirs

During the seventh inning stretch

Second Bananas Debate tonight

As if they mattered

Trump and Clinton are too mean to die

Bullets bounce off them

Only the truth stings and the country bleeds

The real president of the United States Kim Kardashian

Was robbed of boobs and booty in a Paris Hotel

Terrorists blew up her celebrity

Toppled her pedestal

Stole the Mercedes Benz the Lord gave her instead of JJ

Russia and the United States aren’t kissing

Columbia kicks its rebels out of bed

Uber has yet another competitor

And the media sells this to us

Calling it news

Don Arrup

Satire1