Yuletide Tales 16

--Grandpaw Straw, who was this Amahl and what were these Night Visitors who visited him?

Well, Little Billy, Amahl was a little cripple boy whose widowed mother’s health insurance didn’t cover his previous condition. The Night Visitors were Senators from the swamp between Maryland and Virginia who were following the radio star Limbaugh’s directions to a tower in New York City bearing gifts to the baby Donald.

--What happened to Amahl?

Amal and his mother were beaten to death with Amal’s crutch by the Senators because they were not lobbyists.

--And who’s this Scrooge fellow I’m always hearing about this time of year?

Hillary Scrooge was a former Senator who ran a gigantic foundation that sucked the life’s blood out of every charitable heart it fooled. 

--I heard Hillary was the cheapest skate that every lived.

With her own money true but no one could spend the people’s money like Hillary Scrooge. There was not a black hole in the country or the entire solar system she would not sink the Treasury into and claim as part of her sainthood.

--Didn’t ghosts come after her when she was trying to sleep?

Her old partner Bill spooked her first and told of the three to follow. The Ghost of Floozies Past, Bernie Sanders Claus and the Ghost of Continuing Investigations made for a long Eve.

--Did Tim’s dad at least get a raise?

Bob Cratchit’s bookkeeping job was lost to Microsoft Office and an online accounting service out of Ireland.

--And Tiny Tim? Did he ever walk again?

Not before he was trampled to death in Times Square under the heels of a He’s Not My President rally.

--How about Rudolph? Will he lead Santa’s sleigh team tonight?

I’m afraid not, Billy. Even though his red nose is due to a genetic abnormality Santa simply doesn’t have the time on Christmas Eve to be pulled over for sobriety tests in every burg he rolls through.

--You mean the police don’t trust Santa Claus?

Santa moves a lot of goods and services without taxation and violates sacred trade deals. Obama pledged to end the magic and miracle economy and to his credit he has had some success putting that genii back into the bottle.

--But Grandpaw Straw, it sounds like Christmas will never be the same.

Christmas never was the same, Billy. The best thing about the past is it’s over. You can trim, hang, send, wrap and sing and still you have to wait for Christmas to just bite you in the ass. Hanukkah and Kwanzaa too.  

--But Grandpaw, what about New Year’s?

What’s new about it?

Don Arrup

Satire1

Russian Prez Elect Trump Denies CIA Helped Him

After discussing plans to minefield their border against immigration from the former Soviet satellite countries, Demetri Trump dismissed reports in the capitalist press that Russian intelligence has evidence of American Central Intelligence tampering with his election.

“Hey, we fix our own elections here, thank you,” Trump said. “The Americans can’t even manage an honest election let alone a fixed one.”

Russian Enterprise Institute experts Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale agreed.

“We don’t have any of this secret ballot and shameful booth. Our elections are most open and free,” said Badenov. 

“The table, pen and ballot box is right out in the open in front of the firing squad where everybody can see.” Ms. Fatale added.  

“In America, everything is rigged- elections, courts, Wall Street, junior proms. It’s all the big fix,” said Trumpov. “In Russia, the will of the people is supreme and they want me to make all the decisions so I bow to the will of the people.”

Both Boris and Natasha used to work for the former Red House occupants Clintoffs (who they refer to as Moose and Squirrel) but switched allegiances when their new Fearless Leader emerged. “Trumposki will make Mother Russia great again,” boasted Boris. “We have an army of spies and soldiers and plenty of nukes. Diplomacy is for losers.”

“That is why Fearless Pompadour has appointed Russia’s top pump jockey to be Foreign Minister,” Natasha snarled, referring to black market energy mobster and Godfather of X-ON, Rox Tillev. “All he needs now is some backwater clown to be Energy Minister. The Red Army and KGBeen will take care of everything else.”

Don Arrup

Satire1