Happy Merry Happy

With President Donald Trump declaring the traditional Christian holiday greeting of Merry Christmas legal again Satire1 set out in the streets of downtown Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee to interview anonymous shoppers, workers, streetwalkers and flaneurs on their thoughts on the controversy.

Guy with a big dog

“No guy should have a birthday party and a lot of women too because the birther and not the born should be celebrated. I mean, the mothers do all the work. Labor. Your birthday was Labor Day for your mother and you don’t even give her a balloon.”

Girl with hogtails

“We don’t believe in religion. Only the Bible. And my daddy told us that you shouldn’t say Merry Christmas to anybody except on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Anybody says it to you earlier or later than that is just trying to stick his hand in your pocket.”

Man wearing a hat

“I was raised in a strict Orthodox home and Jews don’t worship other Jews. But I did hear about the animals talking on the eve of his birthday. It’s incredibly weird but I can imagine myself liking it.”

Man with no hat

“We always partied in the barn when I was growing up and I never heard any of the animals talk but I did hear that a girl could put out on Christmas Eve and still be a virgin after the holidays if she didn’t get knocked up.”

Not Isadora Ducan

“The Man with no hat that you were just interviewing is correct. I was immaculate three times in high school and it can lock down a good boyfriend.”

Beard

“Chanukah is the festival of the lights and if the Christians want to put up lights everywhere for a Jew who had his own ideas I’m not offended. Hanukkah is eight days and Christmas is one or twelve depending on the song. Jews go by the lunar calendar because we are looney. Christians by the solar calendar because they get all worked up about the Son or Sun. I don’t know.”

White Guy with glasses

“Chanukah and Hanukkah are the two Jewish Christmas holidays and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are Christian Christmas holidays and then Kwanzaa begins which has a kinara with seven candles not a menorah which has nine. Christians have a tree and it depends how big and flammable it is.”  

Woman looking like lipstick

“Thank god, I am so sick and disgusted with these diluted civilities. Every time you say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas you’re just crucifying him all over again.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

The Weinstein Defense

My first woman was my mother. I was inside her. That was our early relationship. But I got too big and she pushed me out. Then the nightmare began. Being born was still an affront to the medical profession which slapped me on arrival. On the buttocks. I was spanked for being born. Held up naked for anyone who chose to view. Handed around like a B girl at a below decks sailor orgy. 

I was naked. Not just with no clothes on. Pre clothes to be exact. Born naked. Kept naked. Swaddled. A fat man’s handkerchief and two bobby pins. It would be years of inexpressible exposure, manipulation, violation and penetration before I would experience the dignity of pants. 

And I am not alone. 

I didn’t ask for the nipple. I was crying for shame. Not hunger. Not sex. I was smaller then. The boob was to me bigger than a house. And the Cyclops eye of the breast swelled faster not toward me as much as inside me. Now we’re even. I was inside you and now you are inside me. The only orifice that mattered then. I didn’t even use it to breath with when I was inside mom. 

I don’t know how nurses can sleep at night. They treat you like you’re just part of the crib. Roll you over- out of the way- to keep the crib straight. On other floors they were pushing around big people they wouldn’t give their clothes back to. And they’ve got needles. Big as the doctors. So what’s the circus about the clitoris?

Women today are complaining because I grabbed and kissed them? I’m only twice their size. I had aunts and neighbor women ten times my size picking me up by the ass and brining in lips as big as hams and wet as oceans. Sogging, slobbering, fussing, mussing lipskicked red hams waxing my cheeks- half my face- with petroleum based red dye number die mouth markers god damn.

Women are rapists. Mothers are rejectionists. Expellers, like the Pharaoh in Egypt. And the Red Sea closed her legs on him. But not them. They call their rape affection. They call their rape nurturing and caring and sharing and loving and then shove a box of cheap shit chain pharmacy chocolates up your ass because your mouth is taken. Conquered. By the Nipple Bitch. Nipple Bitch Rapist. Here, open your mouth. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

I Guess Puerto Rico Didn't Know It Was On The Apprentice

President Donald Trump called an emergency meeting of the White House National Security Team and the Cabinet members to discuss the possibility that the relentless bombardment of business as usual could continue into next week and leave the government no choice but to clean up the countless disasters nature, Washington and Wall Street have rendered. 

Satire1 interviewed countless White House staffers and relatives (same thing) on the prospects of actually running the country.

Great Aunt

We were just getting good at The New Apprentice, Natural and National Disasters Edition when suddenly the wind stops blowing, the terrorists run out of ammo and there aren’t any new floods to draw attention away from the last headline. This is going to hurt our ratings.

Poor Relation

I don’t know. I belong to some agency around here and they’re talking about going to Puerto Rico which they say is so flooded the people there don’t have water.

Dutch Uncle

They can send me anywhere in the world where they have their own NFL team. Well, not Arizona. I told everybody near the border the wall would be up before Christmas.

Kissing Cousin

The mayor of San Juan kept addressing the President like he was her husband. I’ve never seen that work on a husband and I doubt it works on presidents.

Half Brother of a Half Brother

After Texas flooded I had calls from every Lt Governor in the the fifty states and protectorates and I said the exact same thing to everyone of them. FEMA has got more than enough funds for half a disaster. Don’t have a second half to your disaster and god help you if you aren’t the first one. 

Don Arrup

Satire1