Happy Merry Happy

With President Donald Trump declaring the traditional Christian holiday greeting of Merry Christmas legal again Satire1 set out in the streets of downtown Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee to interview anonymous shoppers, workers, streetwalkers and flaneurs on their thoughts on the controversy.

Guy with a big dog

“No guy should have a birthday party and a lot of women too because the birther and not the born should be celebrated. I mean, the mothers do all the work. Labor. Your birthday was Labor Day for your mother and you don’t even give her a balloon.”

Girl with hogtails

“We don’t believe in religion. Only the Bible. And my daddy told us that you shouldn’t say Merry Christmas to anybody except on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Anybody says it to you earlier or later than that is just trying to stick his hand in your pocket.”

Man wearing a hat

“I was raised in a strict Orthodox home and Jews don’t worship other Jews. But I did hear about the animals talking on the eve of his birthday. It’s incredibly weird but I can imagine myself liking it.”

Man with no hat

“We always partied in the barn when I was growing up and I never heard any of the animals talk but I did hear that a girl could put out on Christmas Eve and still be a virgin after the holidays if she didn’t get knocked up.”

Not Isadora Ducan

“The Man with no hat that you were just interviewing is correct. I was immaculate three times in high school and it can lock down a good boyfriend.”

Beard

“Chanukah is the festival of the lights and if the Christians want to put up lights everywhere for a Jew who had his own ideas I’m not offended. Hanukkah is eight days and Christmas is one or twelve depending on the song. Jews go by the lunar calendar because we are looney. Christians by the solar calendar because they get all worked up about the Son or Sun. I don’t know.”

White Guy with glasses

“Chanukah and Hanukkah are the two Jewish Christmas holidays and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are Christian Christmas holidays and then Kwanzaa begins which has a kinara with seven candles not a menorah which has nine. Christians have a tree and it depends how big and flammable it is.”  

Woman looking like lipstick

“Thank god, I am so sick and disgusted with these diluted civilities. Every time you say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas you’re just crucifying him all over again.”

Don Arrup

Satire1