After surviving the nuclear missile attack on our 50th state Saturday Governor David Ige called an emergency session of the legislature and demanded a declaration of war on Kim Jong-un’s regime. Commandeering the United States Navy’s Seventh Fleet at Honolulu, Ige sent off a tweet to President Trump apologizing for borrowing the flotilla on such short notice and localizing the force without permission.
President Trump tweeted back that he fully supports Hawaii’s actions and will petition Congress to legalize any action the Aloha State takes to protect itself from annihilation and to extend the option of war to every state on the west coast within Rocket Man’s reach.
Rear Admiral End released a statement to his sailors and the press stating that they weren’t doing much anyway other than tracking typhoons and not catching pirates. “This fleet needs a war to get some of the rust off our buckets.”
Former Secretary of State Hilary Clinton pointed out that since the missiles never actually materialized we may never know where they didn’t come from while former Vice President Joe Biden said that Hawaii was former President Obama’s home state and that fake war news should be met by real consequences. “Somebody is trying to bomb Obama!”
House Speaker Paul Ryan called a last minute press conference on the steps of IHOP on Michigan Avenue. “Though the attack apparently was not on the continental United States but on the Japanese colony that we pretend to be a part of our country there are iron clad obligations that we have made to protect our NATO partners. I consider it my highest priority to protect our citizens, our allies and our interests from whatever imaginary threat that comes out of nowhere.”
Speaker Ryan continued, “I could care less if a foreign power messes with our elections which are a mess anyway but to strike at us when our democracy is at its most vulnerable- at the beginning of our divisional NFL playoffs- is a provocation of war.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
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