All Of High School Is A Stage

Recent accusations on the internet and social media suggested that some of the Stony Douglas High School protestors are paid actors. An army of top notch investigative reporters, some who had actually attended high school, working furiously from their basements and attics in the remote western plains have uncovered proof that all of the so called “student” protestors were being wholly supported by their hysterically bereaved liberal parents.

“You can call it an allowance, use of the car, room and board but all of these actors are being supported- in effect paid- by their progenitors to perform like circus monkeys in front of our incorruptible, selfless legislators,” said Harmon Charmin of the Evidence is for Pussies news blog. 

“The only thing anyone learns in high school is how to get laid or that you are never going to get laid,” expounded chef Priscilla Popeye on her cable access cooking show, If You Can’t Shoot It, Don’t Eat It. 

“This fantasy people entertain that teenagers are somehow capable of rational thought is a kind of necessary fiction in order to have teen shows and movies but just talk to a teen- if you can pry their eyes off their phone for a minute- I think you’ll find that they can navigate the whole world wide web better than they can find the bathrooms in their own homes.”

“All this talk about how dangerous guns are overlooks their very real healthy side,” said Cyrus Mumphs, promoter of gun shows across the southeast. “Every gun sold at our shows is totally organic, has no chemical additives, are GMO and Gluten Free and was manufactured without cruelty to animals. But I’m not saying animals are going to like what customers do with the guns they buy from us.”

“Adolescence is a time of life when young people are trying to forge an identity for themselves. All this technology, the crushing costs of higher education, slim prospects for future employment and the mountainous mortgage we’ve dumped on them raises only one question,” posed teen psychologist Libia Schlobhobknockers. “When are these sick boys going to wise up and start shooting their elected officials?”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Texas Chainsaw Love Story

Media favorite and heir to Verona’s second biggest family fortune Romeo Montague was arrested by the Veronese Prince’s men (VPM) last night for stalking the youngest daughter of rival dynasty Capulets. After breaking and entering the Capulet courtyard, Romeo proved to be a Peeping Tom on the nightie clad barely pubic Juliet as she was at her balcony talking to the inconstant Moon. 

More serious charges were dropped when the Prince discovered that Romeo had just become eligible to get his learner’s permit. He was severely reprimanded for pouncing on thus far undated too Deb to bed pre-Debutante JC right after being rejected by the town floozie Rosaline. 

Juliet’s cousin and gang banger bad ass Tybalt swore that if Romeo was not charged with attempted pedophilia he would take matters into his own hands.

*

Paris’ Top Pop Rapper Cyrano DB has been accused of ghosting for buddy Christian tweets to the celebrated beauty Roxanne. As famous for his proboscis as his poetry, Sky Cy B is also Cardinal Richelieu’s best sword and unlikely to be accused to his schnoz of fake news. 

*

Playboy pool bum Narcissus filed a complaint of sexual harassment against himself in the Los Angeles County Court yesterday. Only the four hundred and twenty second such lawsuit of its kind in LA since the early 1980’s, legal experts hope to use the case to clearly define leering and obscene gestures as harassment for a future federal case. 

Harry Preener, the Dean of UC Berkley’s Law School, said “We used to prosecute masturbation as self abuse and attempted genital strangulation but that was overreach. With the new Zero Tolerance policy on harassment we’re not letting these bullies and brutes push around anyone-including themselves.” 

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Haircut

Trump on the blower

I don’t want the Secretary of the Interior. My bowels are moving fine. Regular as rain. I want the Secretary of the Exterior...

What do you mean there’s no Secretary of the Exterior?

 How can you have a Secretary of the Interior if you don’t have one for the Exterior?

The Secretary of State? Does the ex-Exxon Don cut hair?

Does Rex T cut hair?

I need a haircut and the CIA Chief just explained to me that the White House barber is not Italian.

Yes, he has got to be Italian.

His first name’s Luigi and even he couldn’t pronounce his last name. What was I to think?

It had lots of vowels.

Slapbackastan? Callacabull? I don’t know. Not Italy.

No, no Greeks.

I would consider a woman for the position.

The First Lady makes that call.

If I run again I’m keeping Pence but Ivanka and Medusa are history.

You heard correctly. Michelle might come back. Misses the stationary.

I could marry Hillary and have her cover State and First Bird.

What Bill? Since he gave up the Big Macs and nookie he looks like something scarecrows insult each other with.

No, I didn’t know that.

You’re right. You never see a bunch of scarecrows talking together except in the Senate.

No, no, I know. Farm scarecrows might not talk like you and I but they do communicate.

Morse code with their arms. Like sailors with their flags.

Nobody talks to each other in the Senate anymore anyway.

Enough about the team that’s going to be running this country. Who’s cutting my hair?

No, no Greeks. Half of them live on islands.

Does the stars when they’re in New York?

I would prefer a Hollywood stylist.

No Greeks.

If there’s a pop or an is in their name that’s Greek to me.

Who does Wolverine’s hair?

I want him.

Not for First Lady.

I thought he just combed and brushed. I didn’t know he cuts.

What appointment? He lives here on call.

Needs two neck brooms. Three! One for me and the other for everybody else.

And another for me.

The chef is Greek!

The White House chef?

We need a McDonald’s in the White House. The tourists and your president demand a McDonald’s.

Who cuts Bubba’s hair? He’s going to need a job.

Bill’s going to be Second Bitch when I marry Hill for my second term.

It’s not bigamy. It’s politics.

The guy who used to do Elvis’ hair- did he have any kids?

Don Arrup

Satire1

There's Real Confidence To Be Found In Humility and Why You Never Wear Your Spouse's Genitals

While President Donald Trump attended the Fat Cat International to seal deals and eat meals, Special Counsel Robert Mueller took his Star Chamber to the White House lawn and set up a picnic to nick pick what the crooks he's after this time are washing on. 

Satire1 went to the corner of Main and Bank Streets in Horn Hill, Alabama the day after the State of the Union speech to collect quips and observations from the pundits of the streets.

Crimson Tide Fan

“While he was director, Mueller wasted all his time on Mexican Drug lords, Chinese industrial spies and Muslim terrorists. As if we didn’t have the best criminals and murderers money could buy right here running and ruining our country.”

Woman in red hat

“Isn’t Trump’s daughter Russian? Ivanka? What kind of name is that? I voted for Trump but I think Ivanka is Putin’s daughter.”

Crimson Tide Denier

“Look, Mr. Trump wanted a bigger office than he had in New York so he ran for the biggest office and he’s so rich he didn’t even have to spend his own money. If Putin swung him a couple of states that’s just one hand jerking the other guy off.”

Popeye the Sailor Man

“Most bizznizz deals tycoons makes is widt the devil so what’s the fuztd?”

Beauregard Calhoun 

“Expecting a man of big business to remember every lie he told to close a deal is like putting a fact checker on every guy proposing marriage to a gal. Sir, you would be ending the species.”

Scarlet O’Hara

“Rhett had all kinds of shady business dealings- with our former colonial tyrants, hostile Indians and even the Yankees and he didn’t give a damn either.”

Colonel Sanders

“The Russians came to me to start selling my buckets in Moscow but they wanted a cut so big I wouldn’t have been left with anything but the feathers.”

Tennessee Tuxedo

“It’s not easy for a penguin in these parts and when I asked the President for a post in Moscow he said the State Department was going franchise.”

Don Arrup

Satire1