Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Texas Chainsaw Love Story


Media favorite and heir to Verona’s second biggest family fortune Romeo Montague was arrested by the Veronese Prince’s men (VPM) last night for stalking the youngest daughter of rival dynasty Capulets. After breaking and entering the Capulet courtyard, Romeo proved to be a Peeping Tom on the nightie clad barely pubic Juliet as she was at her balcony talking to the inconstant Moon. 

More serious charges were dropped when the Prince discovered that Romeo had just become eligible to get his learner’s permit. He was severely reprimanded for pouncing on thus far undated too Deb to bed pre-Debutante JC right after being rejected by the town floozie Rosaline. 

Juliet’s cousin and gang banger bad ass Tybalt swore that if Romeo was not charged with attempted pedophilia he would take matters into his own hands.

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Paris’ Top Pop Rapper Cyrano DB has been accused of ghosting for buddy Christian tweets to the celebrated beauty Roxanne. As famous for his proboscis as his poetry, Sky Cy B is also Cardinal Richelieu’s best sword and unlikely to be accused to his schnoz of fake news. 

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Playboy pool bum Narcissus filed a complaint of sexual harassment against himself in the Los Angeles County Court yesterday. Only the four hundred and twenty second such lawsuit of its kind in LA since the early 1980’s, legal experts hope to use the case to clearly define leering and obscene gestures as harassment for a future federal case. 

Harry Preener, the Dean of UC Berkley’s Law School, said “We used to prosecute masturbation as self abuse and attempted genital strangulation but that was overreach. With the new Zero Tolerance policy on harassment we’re not letting these bullies and brutes push around anyone-including themselves.” 

Don Arrup
Satire1 

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