Roseanne Barr was arrested by the border patrol today while she was accompanying fifteen hundred brotherhood monkeys attempting to cross into the United States from Canada. The comedienne and recent Tweety Bird casualty said she was starting a village in the Dakotas to build an audience for her next attempt to revive her Conner family sitcom in 2036.
In the presence of her lawyer, Roseanne admitted that her plan was a little far fetched but that religious minorities and simians of color do breed well in captivity. She blamed her sleep aid Ambien for the logistics.
“No pill helps you sleep,” said Barr. “Ambien just puts you in Canada for the night.”
New York mayor Bill something along with the NYC Chamber of Commerce, Disney, the New York Times, New York Newsday and the league of Broadway Producers have agreed to move Times Square to San Juan, Puerto Rico to save on electric bills. Though economists are predicting a fall off in sales and attendance of roughly 99% tourism is expected to increase in the next decade as the island crawls back into the mid twentieth century.
“It’s about time we stop pretending New York City and Puerto Rico are two different places,” said some tall DeBlasio guy. “Haven’t you people seen Hamilton?”
Russian journalist Arkady Babchenko emerged from the grave yesterday to explain to his fellow journalist that his death was all part of a sting operation. Unfortunately, the widely publicized resurrection led to a tidal wave of fake murder victims returning to the limelight.
Former President John Kennedy who just celebrated his one hundred and first birthday on Wednesday wheeled out of The Old Presidents Never Die Nursing Home in Gettysburg, PA. Kennedy said he actually survived the two head shots but needed fifty years to grow his hair back. He regrets telling Jackie to marry some Eurotrashaire if she still wanted to party.
Former Teamsters Mob Boss Jimmy Hoffa (105) married aviator Amelia Earhart (131) thirty years ago when he came across her on a deserted island in the middle of the city of Los Angeles. They’ve lived relatively quiet lives avoiding social media and flatulent neighbors.
President Trump’s tariffs on goods manufactured in New Jersey begins tonight. Tomatoes, corn and straw hats will be slapped with a 25% tariff to protect pizzerias and aging Cuban Americans in New York City and Connecticut.
Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller is being sued by The People’s Republic of China for completely ignoring their interference in the 2016 elections. “It’ll go down as the greatest injustice of the new millennium,” said China’s president Xi Jing Ping Pong. “The last elections were fueled by rice and fireworks.”
Samantha Bee Goode of Full Frontal apologized yesterday for referring to the First Daughter as a “feckless c#nt.” The comedienne explained, “That’s just how we Canadians refer to all rich American princesses.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
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