April's Fools 19

Bored with the endless rehash of the same old scandals and controversies, Satire1 celebrates its eleventh year by jumping ahead ten years to 2029 to see where these stories are going.

PARLIAMENT MISSES PASSING BREXIT PLAN BY ONE VOTE

Theresa May and the two Prime Ministers of Great Britain who followed her in office (and in committing suicide) almost got what has turned into the Holy Grail of British political history: a plan for formally divorcing the former European Union. There is no indication from either China or Russia which have since divided and annexed the EU as to whether they will consider let alone accept the proposal. 

FULL MUELLER REPORT RELEASED TO PUBLIC

No evidence was found that former president Donald Trump or his successor and current president Donald Trump Jr. had any collusion with Judas Iscariot or Pontius Pilate in the death of Jesus Christ or that any of the Trump campaigns contributed to the rise of Adolph Hitler or Lady Gaga. 

JOE BIDEN CONSIDERING ANOTHER PRESIDENTIAL RUN

Uncle Joe from Scranton, now older than the Constitution he’d swear to uphold, is again considering a run for the Democratic ticket for president. Though his mind never seems to catch up with his busy hands, Joe has explained that he is suffering from a condition that causes him to give vertical massages to any younger female in reach. “My chronically dry hands just gravitate to the softest and most moist flesh,” the former Vice President explained. “And I’d like to apologize to Anita Hill who I should have sat on my lap for the hearings thirty years ago.”

FORMER QUEENS CONGRESSWOMAN ALEXANDRIA O-C REELECTED PRESIDENT OF COCAINIA

The realignment of South and Central America into two drug lorded socialist countries provided the perfect opportunity for AOC to concoct her socialist utopia offering tuition free college (soon as they get a college) and universal health care (soon as they can find a doctor or nurse). Her signature Mean Green Bill of Fights is in full implementation since not a single legitimate industry has survived her first term of office.

And that’s the good news.

Thank you readers.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Elite Colleges Still Soliciting Bribes

To quell the manic panic that has typhooned through America’s wealthiest neighborhoods and country clubs, Satire1 has surveyed the country’s top ranked schools as to who is still willing to do things the way they have always been done and admit it. 

Whatsamatta U.

Prominent graduates Larry Fine, Mo Howard and Curly Howard. Popular brown bag of cash or jewels (commensurate to compensate for stupidity of candidate) alumni wink eye. 

First University of College Knowledge aka FUCK U.

Orifice entrance examinations and heavy recruitment of sexual athletes has made FU the nation’s top ranked campus to get campussed. Good grades are for losers.

New York University aka Fuck Me

Pass and get ass with the imperial educational institution that divided up Manhattan with Columbia and the Catholic Church.

University of Baltimore

Enough said.

Dean Red Bean of Princeton College of Real World Knowledge explained:

“For an institute of higher learning to impose a reasonably fair process for admissions, scholarships, honors or employment is a crime against education and somewhere between a disservice and a shakedown for adolescents wishing to be students.”

“Colleges must reflect the real world and the real world is run by deception, manipulation, favoritism and bright neon yellow bullshit. Do you want colleges to prepare your daughters and sons for the real world? Then we have to be real world. It’s easy. Just exist and corruption like corrosion will seep in. It’s in the water. The air itself is corrupting.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Pelosi's Worst Nightmare

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi passed a resolution last week condemning Anti-Semitism and all forms of bigotry after a freshwoman representative from Minnesota suggested that support of Israel in our government is “all about the Benjamins.”

Satire1 has gone to the Capitol to question those who supposedly represent us on how they feel about this issue.

Rep. Rick Prick (R) of Oklahoma

“I don’t know why Minnesota gets to have legislators in our government. Are we really going to pretend it isn’t part of Greater South Canada?”

Rep. Bill Nasal (D) of Iowa

“Everybody’s asking me what happened at Pelosi’s closed door meeting with da dems. Well, there was some sex and there was some violence- after a reasonable introductory debate. Business as usual.”

Rep. Popeye Sailorman (R) of Maryland

“We shoulds build a wall round Israel while we’re buildin’ our wall gainst Mexico. Trump’s in da construction biznez. He shoulds be able to get us a twofer.”

Rep. Alfred Hitler (National Socialist) of Georgia

“Ilhan Omar is right. The Jews are gremlins destroying our precious aviation industry and why Franklin has a Jewish first name must be investigated!”

Senator Nebuchadnezzar (Independent) of Wyoming 

“In my time there was no corruption, lobbying or payola. I just took half of everything and everyone was happy.”

Rep. Patrick O’Blarney of  The Bronx

“My parents were active in Irish politics in the 70’s raising money here to send to the widows and orphans of IRA terrorists. How many of those widows and orphans were shot out of guns or exploded in baby carriages is anyone’s guess.”

Rep. Cleo Castro of Miami

“How anyone can justify influencing our government on behalf of another country is unconscionable. Especially when we need to invade Cuba immediately to recover my great grandfather’s cigar plantation.”

   

Senator Corey Hooker (D), former madame of Newark, New Jersey

“Representative Ilhan Omar wasn’t wrong. She was just too narrow. Everything in Washington and everything our politicians do is all about the Benjamins.”

Don Arrup

Satire1