President Trump announced at the G20 meeting in Meatneeva that he was throwing his hat in the ring for the nomination for President of the United States of the Democratic Party. Citing poor and unrealistic rhetoric dominating both nights of the Democratic candidate debates, President Trump decided that the American people deserved a real choice rather than a straw (wo)man candidate to draw donations for the failed party’s coffers.
“The Russians could put up a better candidate to spar with me. Even the North Koreans could find a Mexican Muslim mother of ten who was born on another planet like Hawaii or Massachusetts- which really is just a suburb of Canada, it really is. I’ve been there. You can buy a family’s first born for a hot dog there. I’m not exaggerating.”
“I watched the first night of the donkey debates because basketball is over and the Yankees win all the time so I thought what the hell. Maybe some of these donkeys will have an idea. I’ll consider any good idea. Even a good idea that comes from a donkey. But it was the same old same old old old old. They didn’t even dress it up with any new terms. Like progressive instead of liberal. Or Socialist instead of Communist.”
“Pocahontas said she has ideas. She has policies. Plans to fix things that don’t need to be fixed. She looked like she couldn’t dress herself but I liked the purple. Balls to the Stonewall. I think Elizabeth Warren is a man. I think we’re being sold a bill of goods. She’s kind of cute. I never said she wasn’t cute. And she is free to dress like a woman if she wants. It’s a free country. At least as long as I’m president. The United States of American is great again. And free.”
Is Poco Ho Ho married? Trans benders can get married too. I have nothing against ho marriage. It’s a free country. Take all my money and spend it on whoever can cross the river with a baby. Take my doctor. Take my job. Take my life. The welcome mat is down. Come here and we’ll put you in the front of the line for livers and lungs and hearts. Ahead of hard working Americans who paid into the dream all their life. Just come one and all and take our future. Every donkey raised their hoof. Just get here and we’ll take care of you.”
“Just break into my house and I’ll make you family.”
“Nobody is going to vote for these people. I’ll have nobody to run against. The donkeys will be crying for the next four years that the big bad Democratic machine put up another sure loser and they were robbed of choice. But I’m going to give Democrats a choice. I used to be a Democrat and I can be one again if I win as a Democrat.”
“I don’t care what party I represent. I always represent myself. I am always Donald Trump. You hated me for the last three years? Now your enemies can hate me for the next four. Think of the time and money and money and money we could save if the best president in the history of this country just ran against himself. Billions. Maybe even trillions over the now endless campaign cycle.”
“It’s not the donkeys fault they can’t find anyone to run against me. Nobody ever could beat me and nobody ever will. Death, the Grim Reaper herself, came to Margo A Go Go last time I was there. I was sharing a Cuban sandwich and Diet Coke with a new bikini and Reapie brought down her scythe right between my shoulder blades- ruined a perfectly tailored silk dress shirt I’d only worn twice- and through my heart.”
“Skipped a beat. I don’t skip breakfast. I don’t skip dessert ever except during the occasional Fifth Avenue famine. But my heart skipped a beat. It was torn clean in half. I turned to the Reaper and told her she was an illegal alien. I told her to get out of here. Go back to the Rio Styx or Grande wherever she was holed up. You have no business here.”
“And the donkeys want to get rid of ICE! That’s assassination by association, you know. Treason. They are trying to get rid of the American people’s and Putin’s and Xi Jinping’s and Zuckerboard’s choice for President.”
“I gave my physician a ring. Before the donkeys draft him to the border to take care of all the un-Americans. Took two aspirins like he told me and I’m fine. Never felt better.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
