Mueller Testimony

Robert Mueller at the House Stupidity Committee hearing. He taps the mike. 

Mule

Is this on? For my opening statement I would just like to curse the United States House of Representatives Committee on Intelligence for subpoenaing me to testify and answer questions about a job I couldn’t be more done with. And in response to every question you intend to ask me I have one answer which is correct to the best of my knowledge and that answer is Eat Me. So, in closing, before I go the F home I have nothing more to say and I’m not coming back.

Representative Alfonso Gaethers (D-NY)

Mr. Mueller, when you were still special, did you have any doubt that President Donald Trump was using his office to promote himself, his career, his business, his family and his ego?

Mule

You have just defined the office of the presidency in how it actually functions better than the Constitution ever could.

Rep Gaethers

So you had no doubt that he was using the office strictly for self aggrandizement?

Mule

Eat me.

RG

No further questions.

Rep Amanda Whipsnatch (R-NH)

Former Special Mueller, did you come across any evidence that Donald Trump participated in the massacre at Tiananmen Square thirty years ago?

Mule

Not direct evidence but many witnesses, business associates and reporters had seen him frequenting Chinese restaurants and at times even ordering in Chinese food while the students were in peril.

RAW

Was ordering in Chinese takeout legal in the state of New York at that time?

Mule

1989? Yes. This was, of course, before Mr. Trump placed tariffs on Chinese takeout.

RAW

How would you describe President Trump’s relationship with Xi Jing Ping?

Mule

XJP is literal about President Trump but not serious. President Trump is serious about Mr. Ping but not literal.

RAW

So it’s kind of like a second or third date with them?

Mule

Eat me.

Representative Amelia Pony-Exeter (D-CA)

When you were still Special did you find any evidence that the president grabbed Vladimir Putin’s crotch?

Mule

No, but the President did grab mine.

RAPE

Did you interpret it as sexual harassment or obstruction of justice?

Mule

Eat me.

Representative Phineas Probe (R-MO)

How much did your investigation cost the American taxpayer?

Mule

With the fines, acquisitions and forfeitures we might have broken even.

RPP

Would you care to elaborate on that?

Mule

Certainly, Congressman. I checked with our liaison with the Justice Department’s accountancy department last week and he said Eat me.

Representative Olivia Semen Egress (D-MD)

Mr. Mueller, I have a long list of questions which I hope will clarify to the American people just what sorcery and Voodoo has been used on them for the past two years.

Mule

Well, I hope you find me delicious, Congresswoman.

ROSE

Oh, I do.

eat me

Don Arrup

Satire1