Schools in Sight

The National Rifle Association reached deep into its firearm manufacturers funding to hire the Bloods and the Crips to provide security in cash strapped and overcooked Los Angeles County public schools. Originally wooing Mexican Drug Lords to provide manpower to keep LA children safe from terrorists, the NRA withdrew the offer in the face of criticism that many native drug gang soldiers were un or under employed. 

These hit men and women are well armed enough to case the halls and man the entrances of surviving pre and elementary schools in the greater Los Angeles area. Middle and secondary schools that are already enjoying a healthy proportion of gang members in their student populations have been deemed safe by their communities for everyone except the LAPD.

Dripping Ax, leader of a South LA Blood gang, explained the convergence of interests. "We Bloods won't have any white nut jobs coming into our hood and cutting into our franchise. We do the killing around here. But taking soldiers off the streets when they could be pushing the bag and rolling tourists cuts into our bottom line. So the Big White Gun Gang is providing us with ammo to take care of the community's business and our own."

Smoke Corpse, a high ranking member of a Central LA Crips gang agrees. "Kids in little school are too corn to be in gangs and should be left alone. We tried giving biscuits to our baby bangers who used to just hold them for us. Problem is they bawl after smokin somebody. Can't have that in our colors."

Don Arrup

Satire1  

Blame Pizza and Mars

Critics of the Trump Administration have now accused the President of rolling back environmental regulation of methane gas emissions which are believed to be second only to carbon dioxide in destroying the atmosphere. President Trump took to his tweeter. 

“I have only gently eased the draconian oppression of our saintly, profit adverse energy industry who for decades has been blamed for the growing percentage of methane in our atmosphere when it has been clearly demonstrated by the usually lying scientists that most of the perpetrators of this methane madness are children, teenagers, pregnant women and the elderly. I think cows have been getting back at us too for taking their milk and eating them.”

The President has directed the FBI and Homeland Security to interview and, if necessary, interrogate teachers, school and nursing home dietitians and ranchers to try to discover what has caused such an uptick in deadly flatulence. 

“These kids are going to have to learn- and learn quick- that they are going to have to live in this world and that the gas that they pass from their ass has mass and that mass adds up to an unbreathable future,” the President tweeted. “Astronomers have noted that our nearest neighbor planet, Mars, has been emitting methane into its atmosphere and some of that has bled into the greater solar system.”

“I have to admit that I was unaware before I became president of the threat that the planet Mars, known throughout the entire universe as the Mexico of the Milky Way, poses to our future. I asked the usually lying astronomers could the illegal immigration of gasses from Mars prove an even greater threat to the security of the United States than what we face from the influx of our flatulent food loving southern neighbors.” 

Don Arrup

Satire1