President Trump expanded his invasion of the West Coast today to end the class warfare that broke out after the recent protests petered out and unleashed dark forces that were playing underneath the veneer of American civilization.
“Right now in a number of liberal, Democratically controlled failed cities rioters portraying themselves as protestors have been eating their fellow citizens and justifying it as nutritional equality and super civil disobedience,” said President Trump this morning on the Too White House lawn. “In Portland O, undocumented aliens from other planets and students without campuses have been consuming innocent taxpayers under the umbrella army Eat the Rich U Bitch.”
Critics of the President concede that the Portland riots had spilled over into cannibalism in the last week but complain that the conflict is being put into strictly class warfare terms when they contend that it is a generational conflict as well.
President Trump responded to the criticism immediately. “I have never disputed that the greedy, unpatriotic, selfish members of my generation- excluding myself- live too long and control too many assets. But I remedied that by denying the severity of the Corona virus until most of the nursing homes and assisted care living facilities were emptied by the plague. Now, Social Security and Medicare might now even make it to the end of my second term.”
Reporters then peppered the President with questions about San Francisco where he has yet to send troops and the situation is the reverse. “I didn’t send federal troops to San Fran after hearing of the recent uptick in cannibalism there because for the newly rich nerds and landlords eating the poor is just how their economy works. And there are still plenty of homeless and working class people to feed the whole Fake Boob Valley.”
Presumptive Democratic Presidential Candidate Joe Something spoke under the kitchen door from his basement praising London Bridge, San Francisco’s special election dictator, for cutting a deal with Covid and airlining her city’s positives to New York.
“Now, I know Andy Cuomo- I introduced his parents- Mario and ahh, her. So I gave him his parents. Andy wasn’t going to go on television when the pandemic hit but I told him DeBlasio’s an idiot, I don’t even want his vote. The mayor doesn’t even wear socks half the year, for god’s sake. And he was running against me in the primaries? New Yorkers needed someone in proper under attire to tell them what’s going on. New Yorkers can take it. You can tell them they’re in a horror movie and it ain’t going to be over in two hours. Try two years.”
“I told London Bridge Andy would be coming for her soon as they got the schools running. But will they get the schools running?
“And can single people? Can they? I can’t stress this enough. Not just single adults or teens or tweens in jeans and the divorced and the forced- but all those in need of another’s flesh and can hope for nothing more than a lonely lap with no one to party with except internet porn or Facebook scorn or I know a lot of daughters who have gizmos. I’m talking to you. You can’t excite batteries. Once you deplete them- even the so called rechargables- they’re dead. They’re dead and you’re alone. There is nothing sadder than a spent vibrator.”
“It’s time for the federal government to subsidize masturbation. Tens of millions of Americans are alone with their genitals not just since the pandemic started but for numerous election cycles. The distribution of ass in the United States is almost as unequal as the distribution of wealth.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
