Another Covid wave, children from the forgotten Americas amassed on our doorstep, Asian lives matter too, Xi Je Ping in bed with Putin and the stock of suburban homes with swimming pools depleted Congress can’t agree on what day of the week it is let alone what month of the year.
“We just passed the most bipartisan piece of legislation in years,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Twelve genuine red as blood state Republican Representatives voted along with my minions to declare last Saturday, March 20th the Vernal Equinox and first day of spring.”
“Now the sun can come out. Daffodils bloom. Cherry trees blossom. And we can take our spring break to refresh our rhetoric, hold fundraisers, keep the rage up against our opponents, hold more fundraisers and get back here to get as much nothing done as we have in the past twenty years. All we need is for the Senate to sign off on it.”
The United States Senate, the world’s foremost deliberative body, couldn’t pass gas on a diet of broccoli and beans so Satire1 spoke to legislators and their staff on the possibility that the nation will actually experience the warmer seasons this year.
Senator Eyebrows
“The people don’t want spring. They’re tired of change. Same old merry go round of seasons. It’s all just to sell us more clothes than we need. We can’t legislate ten pounds off your thighs. Grow up or vote for somebody who gives a damn.”
Pencil Mustache
“It’s always winter somewhere. Who does Pelosi and Schumer think they’re fooling? We had March last year. What did it get us? Covid. So we said okay. We gave March thirty one days and declared April Fools. What did that get us? More Covid. Don’t talk to me about Autumn. It’s only Autumn if your party wins. Otherwise it’s the Fall.”
Wrong Shoes
“I’m with Nancy all the way on this one. We had winter: holidays, snowfalls, the Super Bore, overpriced limp roses and way too much TV. We’ve got to spring out of this funk. It’s too deep to crawl out of. Forget spring. Declare this season Catapult.”
Not That Hat!
“It’s gotten to the point where the Dems are just bullying us with scientists. Doctors, ecologists, geologists, epidemiologists and now astronomers? Reagan and his Nancy would only listen to an astrologist and the country thrived.”
Flat Top
“Mother Nature has been exhausted by the virus and climate massacre. She can’t pull spring off this year. She needs a stimulus. Congress must act or Mother Nature will just take her course.”
Ham Hands
“The donkeys actually think this is spring? Give me a break. They’re just trying to make voters feel guilty for not cleaning out the foxholes we all live in now.”
Over Half of the Interviewed Legislators from both Parties
“I just listen to my constituents. Whatever they say is the truth.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
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