Just Admissions

With the Supreme Court about to pontificate on the fate of race based Affirmative Action college admission offices throughout the nation are scrambling to redefine their missions and recalibrate their selection processes.

Satire1 has been interviewing the admission offices of colleges and universities both public and private, prestigious and obscure, unaffordable and fuhgaddaboutit on the recent adjustments to their admission criteria. 

Harvard

“One of the reasons we have the best faculty privilege and extortion can buy is that professors want their children or grandchildren to come here. Between that and legacy applicants we pretty much keep it in the family.”

Yale

“Every prospective student who applies here has straight A’s and some aren’t even Asian. Rival Harvard is in the chic suburb of New England’s cultural center while we’re stuck in New Haven which isn’t new and was never a haven. That’s why our students walk around with a big Y on their chests.”

Johns Hopkins

“Honestly, anybody can be a doctor. Hippocrates didn’t even know how to play golf. But if we have to admit that to a Senate Sub Committee in front of the whole nation physicians aren’t going to be able to charge as much.”

New York University

“The hipsters complain that we’ve turned Greenwich Village into a colony of China but we have never discriminated against anyone whose check clears.”

Duke

“If you need financial aid we show no favoritism or prejudice. But you might consider getting your head out of a book and into the lap of one of the deans.”

U of Miami, Ohio 

“If you can find us and pay up you’re in.”

MIT

“We only show undergrads how to take things apart. If you want to know how to put something together we do have a world class doctoral program.”

Georgia Tech

“We stopped looking at grades, SATs, references and giving interviews after Covid. For matriculation we put you in a room with just your phone, a toaster and an erector set and ask you to build us a robot that can give good back rubs.”

Princeton 

“Lisa Kudrow, you know, the bubble headed masseuse on Friends went here. She can come back if she wants. We don’t want anyone else.”

University of Chicago

“We had another valedictorian march in here and declare she wanted to study linguistics. So I asked her is blow job one word or two. She didn’t know the answer but nodded long enough to get herself in and me off.”

Oberlin College

“We are a nondiscriminatory, progressive, woke, broke and toke institution. Anyone who can speak and read English at a fourth grade level and signs over half their future life earnings is welcome.

Reed College

“We object to Oberlin’s racist, sexist, ageist, classist, elitist policy. We categorically reject any prospective student who can speak or read any language as all forms of literacy are the very foundation of inequality.”

Standford

“What she said.” 

U of Las Vegas

“The only fair and equitable admission procedure is by blind lottery. Two hundred bucks and two nights paperwork. A separate lottery for scholarships and dorm assignments- but you can’t afford those.”

University of Baltimore

“Huh?”

Don Arrup

Satire1