Nikki Haley's Town Hall History Lessons

Local Voter

Are you an Indian?

NH

I am an American, born and raised, as proscribed in the Constitution. My parents came here from Punjab, India, which, like America, used to be a British colony. 

Cow Face

How can you be a Native American if your parents are from someplace else?

Small hat big head

India broke from England because their leader was a naked guy. Why did we break away from England? Washington always wore clothes and the British spoke English. 

NH

King George and the Parliament were taxing the American Colonists exactly like President Biden and the Democrats are taxing the American people today.

Pillow Butt

Didn’t we have a war on the southern border before the Civil War?

NH

Yes, it was the Mexican American War which for over a hundred and fifty years we thought we had won. Then under the direction of President Obama and more recently President Biden that conclusion we had made turned out to be just not true anymore.

High Cheekbones

How did we get mixed up in European War War Two?

NK

Japanese tourists trashed our then protectorate now 50th state Hawaii so bad one weekend that fires broke out and a large number of buildings, docks and ships were damaged or destroyed. 

High Cheeks

Hitler won’t Japanese.

NK

No, but he was friends with the Japanese. 

High C

How come Hitler hated Jewish people?

NK

He didn’t like their hats. 

HC

Nobody does. I don’t think even Jewish people don’t like their hats neither.

NH

Just one of the reasons it was never easy to be Jewish.

Razor Eyes

How did we get hooked into Korea? 

NH

We got involved in their civil war. 

RE

Why did we do that?

NH

We were fighting an idea.

RE

What idea?

NH

Communism.

RE

Is the Korean civil war over?

NH

Civil wars are never over. Just look at our own.

RE

How bout the idea? How about Communism? Putin’s a king. China’s more capitalist than we are. Nobody gives a shit about Vietnam or Cuba.

NH

Ideas are never over. You can burn books, close libraries, politicize education but once an idea gets out there it never really goes away. Bad ideas travel the fastest. Fear and Hate have their own fuel. Good ideas have to slug it out every goddamn inch of the way. And maybe some don’t make it. Maybe because they demand immediate pain or giving up something we never earned.

Flat Face

Like the right to own human beings?

NH

Good example. 

Flat Face

What caused our civil war?

NH

The south didn’t like the Lincoln’s hat.

Don Arrup

Satire1  

  

Kissing vs Coitus

In 2015, the University of Nevada and Indiana University concluded that less than half of our species kiss. Generally, in more developed countries oral oral sex (as opposed to oral genital sex) is equated with romance and the avenue to genital sex. Many less developed cultures (and most of humanity) find it distasteful to disgusting.

This year, a wife and husband professors couple in Denmark found evidence that kissing had been portrayed in sacred literature a thousand years earlier than suspected. The kiss was not part of the approach or foreplay to coitus but its postscript. 

Imagine if kissing, our first intimate step, were to move to the other end of sexual encounters and coitus considered the least intimate and opening step.

First dates might end in a good night boink (many do anyway). Elvis Priestly would have sung of Copulating Cousins. There would be the Tap of Death and instead of kissing someone off you bang them off.

Potential problems with some phrases might cause confusion:

Blowing a bone

Do you shag your mother with that mouth?

Bang it and make it better

Sealed with a screw

Steal a score

Make Whoopie and up

What the hell? It’s Valentine’s Day. So if you want to get down to a horizontal bango tango to ride the baloney pony as you mount bonk boff lay tumble your new hook up today’s your day! 

A word from the author on the word Coitus. Coitus is the proper term but only for the sexual intercourse of married or established couples. Coit- Us. The action that defines us as a couple and makes us us. The proper term for singles, wolves and hoes doing it is Coit- Is because the act meant nothing and just is.

Happy Valentine’s Day from

Don Arrup

Satire1

 

The Middle Beast

Everybody’s got to live somewhere. My grandparents came across the Atlantic to here. I never experienced the prejudice they did. The Red Monkey Irish like Italians and other Papists and even Jews slowly faded into the mass of  Protestants from Europe referred to generally as white people. 

Not that our tribalism disappeared. I knew the ethnic background and religion of every kid in my alley in my home town of Baltimore in the land of Mary, the former Catholic colony. My parents grew up in the city of Brotherly Love a hundred miles north founded by Quakers. The line between those two states was drawn in the greatest blood letting this nation has yet to experience. Don’t let anyone bullshit you, the only state’s right at issue was the freedom to own another human being.

We survived it- so far- and we’ve an election later this year. I hope every eligible citizen casts their ballot and we’ll get exactly what we voted for.

That’s what happened half way round the world. The Pals voted in Ham Ass which is dedicated to the destruction of their enveloping neighbor Is It Real. The Realists or Unrealists, depending on your point of view, met this move by voting in more aggressive leadership who empowered their (un)settlers to further encroach on the Pals land. 

Is it God’s fault or Allah’s? Both the Pals and IsRealists were promised the area by their Maker. Both peoples have been there for centuries. The Isrealists were chased away many times but never completely. The Pals mostly came up from the big peninsula spreading their religion by the sword. They should have known better. If the Romans couldn’t get rid of Isrealists, nobody could. 

So now there is once again a Holy War. Does it look holy to you? Holy Hell. It just looks like what it is: war. To argue who are the indigenous people on that patch of sand is insanity. It is and has been the most disputed sandbox in the history of our species.

The chosen leaders on both sides need each other. Both lead through fear and hatred. Without their extremism and that of their opponents they would wither into inconsequence. Perhaps there could have already been two states by now had not both sides murdered their own most effective peacemakers years ago.

To extremists, moderation and compromise are treason and apostasy.

There is no effective middle in the Middle East. The middles of both sides handed the reins over to their extremists and the Middle East has returned to being the Middle Beast with no end in sight.

Hope that doesn’t happen here.

Don Arrup

Satire1