State of Grandstand

Biden squints like he forgot his glasses. Fears they make him look older? He looks like an unwrapped mummy. He’s not the white mummy. He’s the silver mummy. Everybody was there. Everybody except Golden Boy. The big Florida Orange from Queens, NYC.

The President was explaining to the American electorate what idiots they are not to see how great they have it.  “The poorest farmer in Appalachia today has a better television set than George Washington, our first president and the richest man in the country in his day. And today’s soda jerk has better health care than George Washington, our first president with wooden teeth, bled to death on his death bed to death. George Washington.”

“He was in Washington before me. In fact, I suspect, it’s called Washington because of George. If it isn’t it should be. I mean that.”

“I’m old. Old. Got that, man. And the other asshole is like ten minutes not as old as I am. I won’t say he’s younger because there’s nothing young about him- or me. Usually the American people are choosing between Daddies or a Mommy and a Daddy. This year the American people are choosing between Grandpas. 

“When I first came to this chamber there was no internet- so I got Al Gore to invent one. My Republican colleagues told me it couldn’t be done. Even some Democrats. They said we had about as much of a chance to connect computers over phone lines as there was putting a man on the moon. And in my next term I’ll put a woman on the moon- with a phone!”  

“Soon, we’ll be talking about making the Moon the 51st state!”

“Why not? This is America. You disagree with that? The Republicans think the Moon is just another federal government overreach instead of the greatest opportunity this nation has had since the Louisiana Purchase.”

“And it won’t hardly cost us a thing. Private companies and billionaires are going there. They can pay their own way and do. NASA will sherif the whole enterprise. Soon, you can promise your fiancé the Moon and then give her a piece of it. And everybody wants a piece. Come on. Who are you trying to kid?

“You don’t want a piece? Then what do you want? Oh, that’s right. You want Trump. He was a rabbit in a previous life. You know that. It’s all over his face. Especially between the eyes and nose. Father Pope Francis Catholic Priest explained the whole situation to me when I made a state visit to Disneyland. I loved the Sistine Chapel ride.”

“I’m old. Got that, guy? And the other asshole is like ten minutes. I won’t say he’s younger because there’s nothing about him and me. Choosing between Daddies or a Mommy and a Daddy. This year the American people are choosing between Grandpas. And you don’t like it. And I don’t like it and neither does the other Grandpa. Vladimir and Xi and Ayatollah what’s his beard are coming for your ass. Wake up!”

Don Arrup

Satire1