Trump University Core Curriculum

Have a Rich Daddy 101

Have a Rich Daddy in Real Estate 201

Have a Rich Daddy in Real Estate with Powerful Friends 310

Introduction to Shamelessness 103

Advanced Shamelessness 410

Corporate Rockabilly Hair Styling (Elective)

New York City Charm & Etiquette

Pass the Buck Accounting

Fudge Contracts

Minute Print

Bankruptcy as Strategy

Buying Influence

Marriage as Strategy

Donaldocity

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trump Will Deport Irish Americans First

In a surprise announcement today on the Feast of Saint Patrick at the grandstand of the famous 5th Avenue Parade in Manhattan, Donald Trump announced that the first immigrants to go when he becomes president would be the “the bottom dregs of Euro Trash Irish and their illegal descendants.” 

The announcement drew a Bronx Cheer from the crowd which Trump invited to “kiss my Blarney Stones.” Trump went on to explain that New York City’s government had been hijacked by Tammany Hall pirates, the ISIS of the Nineteenth Century, to suck in the greenest scum of the Emerald Isle and that their Catholic Caliphate still controlled the Big Apple and much of Washington D.C.

“They’ve appointed two dictators over us in the last half century. One for each party!” referring to presidents Kennedy and Reagan. “Their wives of God were walking around hospitals and teaching schools in burqas for Christ’s sake.”

“A lot of my Republican rivals try to canonize Reagan even though he fought relentlessly to get your tax dollars to pay for these private madrasas named after poor people and criminals who died under torture. We’re Americans. We hate poor people. Poor people try to make everyone else poor.”

When reminded by a reporter that he was an ardent Notre Dame football fan Trump replied: “Of course if you live in godforsaken Indiana you’re going to hang out at a French broad’s school and drink beer and knock heads.”

Reporters pressed the Republican frontrunner to deny Irish American contributions to the country and Trump asked them when was the last time they ate in an Irish restaurant. “If you don’t drink whiskey or beer you’re down to potatoes and mutton.”

Since Americans claiming at least some Irish ancestry number over 33 million the deportation could take time. “And we’ll need to build a wall along the Atlantic Ocean and make England pay for it.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Up Your Kalamazoo

Outside the penthouse of the Mad Playwright of 95th Street on any given afternoon a half dozen black town cars are parked in front of the building. West 95th is the major uptown exit from the Henry Hudson Highway and astride the two entrances thus providing a quick strike base for these hit drivers. In the rear passenger windows of the cars stands a black card with the internet age’s equivalent of a skull and crossbones: The Strangling U of Uber.

As the Federal Bureau of Investigation begs Rotten Apple to open the poop shoot to its holier than thou godPhone, the sharing apps this soulless technology has spawned are destroying community based businesses and murdering low tech citizenry.

Jason Dalton, of the notorious Dalton Gang which merged with Uber Technology Inc, the black ops illegal organ harvesting and sex slaving mafia based in Sin Francisco, is currently being held without bail for eliminating six citizens who were destroying his business by walking. Though pedestrians are among the most despised of rebels by carbon combusting America, Dalton, under strict orders from the beehive, began “cleansing” Michigan’s streets of the wheelless bipeds only to be apprehended by the Kalamazoo Constabulary.

In a state literally built by the automobile industry, a respected criminal has become the scapegoat for our society’s voluntary blindness to the inevitable consequences of wireless connection, shameless sharing and addiction to motorized transportation. As America’s daughters open their beds to anyone with an Airbnb account and her sons grind children and seniors under the wheels of supposed progress and economic flexibility, the kangaroo court of Kalamazoo has drawn a line declaring that even the e-entrepreneur drivers of Uber can not murder a half dozen citizens in one shift.

“We understand and accept the collateral damage of globalization and cyber penetration, said Judge Hopper, who ruled that Dalton was to be held without bail. “But it is the jurisdiction of this court to see that garden variety homicide and the slaughter that is part of the price of doing business doesn’t spiral into genocide.”

J “Death Driver” Dalton had been pimping, kidnapping, raping, mutilating, murdering and turning without signaling for months under the flag of the Strangling U. A common thug before falling into the wormhole of godPhone apps, J DD Dalton quickly morphed into a cyber villain tweeting, poking, liking and choking every ghost that crossed his path in the ethernet.

Sneaking from one Airbnb to another from Baghdad by the Bay to the Celery City, Dalton strangled avatars and had nonconsensual sex with emojis. Leaving a trail of blood in comments sections across the web, he pledged to neutralize fitness walkers, mommy joggers, metro-cyclists and anyone else who was “banishing humanity back into caves” by foregoing internal combustion. 

Detective Dichard of Kalamazoo zoo zoo zoo explained, “Uber only stole the kidneys and virginity of the iFools who actually called and crawled into their deathtraps. Then pedestrians who made no such summons were being killed. Before, Uber was like Bluebeard. You had to marry him to be murdered. Now, you just have to be around.”

The detective added, “If we hung everyone responsible for this the world would run out of rope.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Is It True Blonds Have More Guns?

Now that the United States averages about one mass shooting a day matchmakers have taken note of the new trend of couples gunning down strangers en masse in order to deepen their relationships and blow off steam. As the internet replaces schools, neighborhoods and even the workplace as the place to find a date new websites are offering dating services that takes the individual’s preferences in armaments into consideration.

“If a man only has one bulge in his pants he ain’t for me.”

“You should have seen the bazookas the last gal I met on Aim For The Heart match site had.”

“All my life I’ve had a Colt between my fingers and between my legs. And now some town slicker wants me handling his Smith and Wesson on our first date?”

“Cupid ain’t taking down no Wyoming man with arrows. That red baby’s got to pack some real heat.”

“I don’t want a man with a lot of guns. I want a man with one big gun and who knows how to use it.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Secret Loves

Who knows what secrets lurk in the hearts of candidates? Satire1 knows:

Hillary Clinton

I love Bernie Sanders and his pants down Socialism. Give us this day our daily bread tickets, deliver us from debt and turn banks into penny arcades. There are enough houses and apartments that are empty investment instruments to house the homeless. Who cares? Half are owned by the Chinese anyway.

Bernie Sanders

I’ve got to pull Hill down into my rumpled tweed valley and do something-anything! with her hair.  

Jeb Bush

Why doesn’t Donald love me? I’m rich. I dress well. I’m powerful. Have great eyebrows. At first I thought he was playing hard to get and I liked it but now I fear Texas Ted is cruising in on my man! Trumped of Trump by Texas Ted!

Ben Carson

I need to operate on my rivals heads. These fools think they have a chance with Donald. They’re deluded to the point of lobotomy. Donald needs a quiet man.

Ted Cruz

Don thinks he’s had me but he’s never had a Cuban Canadian Texas cigar. I’ve been rolling myself for years just to be puffed on by DT.

Marco Rubio

I’m the pretty one. I’m the young one. I look young enough to be raped by a priest. And they think that Donald is going to choose them over me. The convention is already over. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You’re Texas. You’re Bush. Go home now.

Donald Trump

They’re all in love with me. Why else would they run and make fools of themselves? Just to be near me. On stage with me. Just so I’ll notice them.They think that the squirming and sweating I put them through in front of the entire world somehow constitutes a sexual act. Like I defiled them or deflowered them when in reality I just spat on them and dismissed them. I’m not their dominatrix. I don’t wear hip high spike heeled black paten leather boots even though I would look great in them.

Happy Righteous Valentine’s Day

Don Arrup

Satire1 

A Jew, a Hispanic, a Billionaire and a Woman Walk into a Caucus...

And the bartender asks: So where's the Mormon and the black guy?

Vote

Don Arrup
Satire1

Zika Eureka

While the government of El Salvador pleads with its women to avoid pregnancy due to the mosquito borne virus Zika which has been shown to cause severe birth defects, new evidence has been emerging that the Big Bad Z might on rare occasions be transmitted through sex.

Satire1, ever vigilant in the face of hopeless disaster, has interviewed a wide variety of physicians (never a good sign when doctors are referred to as physicians), public health officials, professors and beer bellies with a lot of old tires in their backyards in order to better inform our readership. All the interviewees have requested to remain anonymous since no one actually knows or understands shit about what is going down.

“This most recent development in the research concerning sexual transmission of the fever through intercourse is most disturbing. As if there weren’t already enough reasons to say no.”

“Personally, as an expert and a human being, I prefer getting laid to being bitten by a mosquito.”

“I’d probably notice the mosquito biting me more than anything my husband’s done for the last ten years.”

“Did they have to say ‘on rare occasions?’ I only get laid on rare occasions.”

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Debate Deletes

South Carolina Republican Debate

Moderator 

For our first off the camera question we address all the candidates: What would you do as President of the United States to see that every tax paying American gets some reasonable amount of ass?

Jeb Bush

When I was Governor of Florida nookie was never a problem for Floridians. Half the country travels to our state just to take their pants off. We don’t build our churches on the beach and you can swing what you want on the greens.

Ted Cruz

I believe marriage is a sacred contract between a man and a woman and God. I believe that I was a master debater at Princeton because I was a masturbator. A minister guided masturbation program that respected the Second Amendment and placed no undo strain on Confederate widows or Canadian espionage.

Marco Rubio

They can make love so much cheaper in China that Americans can no longer expect to be employed as lovers. Our nookie is being outsourced to the Communists and Third World which by the way Cuba is both.

Donald Trump

I’d just like to say right now, I’ve fucked everyone on this stage.

Jed Bush

That’s outrageous.

Donald Trump

I thought you’d have a tight ass, Jeb.

Jeb Bush

You can’t just say anything you want without YouTube documentation.

Donald Trump

Humped up your piggyback on First Avenue, Hoboken surrounded by illegal aliens raping Muslims who were dancing to the fall of the WTC.  

Jeb Bush

That never happened.

Donald Trump

The towers did come down. Not as fast as your trousers, I’ll admit, Jeb, but pretty fast. And with my other Florida boy-

Marco Rubio

It was just a blow job.

Donald Trump

That’s right, Ruby, just nod and agree in my lap for ten minutes.

Chris Christie

I’m tired of you treating me like a doughnut shop.

Donald Trump

The point, CC.

Chris Christie

I’m a jelly doughnut, okay?

Donald Trump

You’re a jelly roll.

Chris Christie

That’s a hairdo.

Donald Trump

That’s my hairdo.

Jeb Bush

Let Chris be a jelly roll.

Ted Cruz

Let my people roll!

Marco Rubio

Are they serving doughnuts?

Donald Trump

To the nuts with all the dough.

South Carolina Democratic Debate

During the longest commercial break late in the debate. Hillary Clinton and Barry Sanders are bumping back and forth between their podiums in a lip and hip lock. Director’s voice over the intercom: We’re back in 3 minutes. Hillary breaks free.

Hillary Clinton

You kiss better than Dick Cheney.

Martin O'Malley

This is supposed to be a threesome.

Hillary Clinton

Looks like just you and your hand, Maryland.

Barry Sanders

Sex is socialism at its essence. You can’t have private ownership of the means of reproduction.

Hillary Clinton

Come here, Gov. Just don’t screw like you’re running for Vice President.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Sweet Sixteen

Predictions for the new year from Satire1

Before the ball drops again in Times Square, President elect Donald Trump and his gay marriage partner Bernie Sanders will join Vice President Elect Kim Kardashian and her husband whoever to host the New Year’s Eve edition of Saturday Night Live at Rockefeller Center. Bill Clinton and his New Democrat Combo will be musical guests and Hilary Clinton and Sara Palin will do parodies of 30 Rock and Parks and Recreation.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz will resign from the Senate and politics to premier his vacation/travel reality podcast of Cruz with Ted.

Senator Marco Rubio of Florida will enter Cuba illegally in a candy striped dingy and overthrow what is left of the Castro Regime and petition for statehood for the cigar island on the floor of the United States Senate while wearing a pink Panama hat with a polkadot band.

Former Governor of Maryland Martin O’Malley will be on the cover of every major magazine in the world after he confesses that he was drugged and raped by Bill Cosby in 1967.

Don Arrup

Satire1