20 Second Handjob

Is there anything else in the news?

I live in New York City

Like a worm in the Apple

Isolated, alone

Digging through my day

Each night darker than before

How about a war?

Countries aren’t getting along somewhere

Or a good old terrorist attack?

You can never find a mass murderer

When you need to distract

You can get a seat on the subway

Only there’s nowhere to go

Except the end of the line

So set them up, Joe

Only the bars are closed

Sitcom reruns

Books I’ve already read twice

Porn that no longer inspires me

Neighbors given up on nice

Passing strangers colder than ice

Outside the grocery store

It’s a Lewis Carrol story

Stand on the yellow line

Six feet from purgatory

The Red Queen beckons

We’re just pawns in the Pandemic

Hosts to the newest pathogen

Coughing, sweating, fretting

Starting not to breath

Good nurse, ventilator please

Bitch while you scrub

Your workless infected mitts

Death’s bony digits

Will collect all your chits

And no mask can hide you

Don Arrup

Satire1

Exposed

Satire1 takes to the quiet streets of Manhattan on this uncelebrated Saint Patrick’s Day to interview (at a distance of six feet) New Yorkers and now rare tourists on how COVID19 or the Corona Virus is affecting their life.

Woman in a big hat

“I’m wearing a big hat because I’m afraid to get my hair done. I don’t even know if they’re open. My husband uses sex to burn off anxiety and, well, it works.”

Man with a big nose

“I can smell the fear coming out of every building. I can’t smell the virus but your sweat and whatever you let go of in your pants when somebody nearby coughs is plain enough.”

Barkeep

“There used to be nothing better than a midweek St. Pat’s and New Year’s Eve. Well, this Cobitch19 has done a better job than Carrie Nation at closing us all down.”

Teenage girl wearing lipstick

“Of course we spent the day together. We were on a date. And duh, we held hands and other second date stuff. And now all the adults are telling me he exposed me? If he ever had his thing out I can tell you I didn’t see it. Gross.”

Boy on his bike

“I love snow holidays but I wouldn’t call this a plague holiday. It’s all homework and no friends and even when I’m off everything is closed. And I can’t visit my grandma. My teacher told us we could be carrying the crown and even though it doesn’t bother us it can really harm and even kill grandma. Even if it’s only one grandma in twenty that would still be somebody in my class losing their grandma. And a grandpa.”

Safe Saint Patrick’s Day

Don Arrup

Satire1

Now That Elizabeth Warren Is Out Of The Race

Got in a spank taxi

Bone barreling to Serendipity

With my couple friends Anxious and Guilty

To a building darker than a grave

It’s all the rave to see what you’re eating

Vegetables soaked in oil golden

Tomatoes fired out of cannons

But the meat is all carrion 

Warmed only by recently lost life

Blood black in the dim fingers of light

Streaming down the chins of parallelograms

Preposterous pig Plutocrats

Who’ve eaten up the country

And deliver our meals on tin plates and drones

Sell us tomes and their TV

For our life’s story

Which they use to enslave us more

Children sign contracts for a popsicle

Their independence gone before themselves they own 

Financial freedom the myth of raisin bread and virtual circuses

Wall Street now just the Vegas Strip East

Home ownership a booby trap

College debt an albatross

As our souls evaporate into liquidity

Burn Bernie Burn

The impurity out of the Demagogic Party

To take on the Red State Reactionaries

And their Custer locked bully

Bide your time Biden

Let the others tweet and shout

Put the mock back into democracy

While passions burn out

Liz wasn’t too brainy

But Harvard didn’t help

And it wasn’t her genitalia

That doomed her

In the land of empty calories and morbid obesity

She’s so skinny she makes us feel guilty

And now that she’s gone the world is ending

And all we can do is wash our hands for twenty seconds

Don Arrup

Satire1

A (Partial) List Of Accomplishments Joe Biden Hasn't (Yet) Taken Credit For

The Invention of Fire

JB conceded this to the Greek god Prometheus during his first campaign for public office.

Cleansing the Sins of the World

Joe attributed this to Jesus early in his career but was recently quoted: “But hey, who was down there at the cross comforting his mother Mary and the ho he had hooked up with?”

Valley Forge

“Okay, that was mostly Washington. I admit it. But who do you think told him to go from my home state to the state I represented in Congress for two thousand years? And just try transporting hot coffee and blueberry hardtack all the way from Scranton on Christmas Eve.”

Victory at Gettysburg

“I had to turn that beard Meade around in Scranton and point him in the direction of the shoe factory General Lee was heading for.”

D Day

“I was a few decades late but I still ruined the best pair of deck shoes I ever owned on Omaha Beach. The price of freedom.”

Invention of Television

“I have witnesses. My cousin Ruthie remembers the day. The whole family was seated listening to Bob Hope on the radio and I said ‘Hey, everybody’s facing it. They should add picture to the sound like the movies do.’ TV was totally my idea.”

Moon Landing

“They wanted me to go on that one but my mother in law was getting a hip replacement that summer.”

Invention of Internet

“Gore kept claiming he created the internet. Bellowing it in every interview like a typical VP wannabe. When years before he had even heard of computers I was writing emails almost daily to fellow legislators, constituents and the press. I’ve got them all on floppy disks I keep in shoe boxes in my garage. I just didn’t have any way to send them. I mean, I was internetting everyday. Where the hell were all the engineers?”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Love's Army

The Headquarters of the B.B.I.A. Giant cave auditorium in a hidden mountain in Brooklyn. To the standing microphone comes native son Senator Bernard Sanders currently representing Vermont. 

SANDERS

Men of Brooklyn.

(Deafening cheers)

Men of Brooklyn and the ethernetaverse

(Beyond deafening cheers and hoots)

We have gathered here together- in secret- not to celebrate our tremendous progress- Don’t thank me. We all did this together. We’ve gathered to clarify where we are as the game is on and we’ve got the ball. Voters are voting. Voters are voting and many of them- more than for any other candidate- are voting for our cause. 

Only they don’t know what our real cause is.

Universal Ass.

(jubilant uproar for a few minutes)

That’s right. That’s right. An orifice for every erection. An erection for those desiring penetration. A tongue for the lips that do speak. Nothing for the decidedly celibate. Everyone gets what they want and what they need. Why have universal health care if you’re not getting any? Why get better if there’s no ass on your horizon? 

It’s like you don’t get a birthday. You just get older. You don’t have a Valentine’s Day. You’re Charlie Brown. Your dog mounts every bitch in heat to the country limits. And you can’t get a hand job from a cartoon.

Why should only the 2% of guys who can actually pull enough of their tongue back into their mouth to talk to a woman- women don’t care what they look like— believe me, they don’t- these guys use their eyes too but mostly they penetrate women through their ears- why should those rare Romeos and Don Juans and the guys who are too good looking and have enough sense to keep their mouths shut get all the ass there is while the rest of us have to live off of little parties we throw on our laps? That, or, god forbid, commit.

(male mayhem)

And while we’re on the subject: Why should lesbians get all the lesbians? How is that fair?

Only Socialism can save sex. People are going to protest. They’ll scream marriage. They’ll scream family. And that’s supposed to stop us? I know, you can just look at the pants I’m wearing and tell, and I’ll be around after my speech for the beer and pizza and strippers. You can check out my pants. I’m married. I love my wife, what’s her name, but it’s wrong. Marriage is wrong. It’s genital monopoly. Exclusive ownership of the means of reproduction. Sexual Capitalism. We’re not for that. And my administration will end it.

The free market system of sex has failed us because marriage doesn’t work anymore. Maybe it never did- there was just no way out. Half of the gay marriages have broken up, same as the straight ones. Families are posses now. All for themselves even though they hate each other they hate their neighbors and friends more. This is what monogamy and so called romance comes to: universal frustration, pornography, vibrators and dating apps.

It’s not a rom com, guys. It’s a horror movie that never ends until next January.

Now, you want to know how we are going to equitably distribute the ass after we take office. Know this upfront. No surprises because I’ll face enough resistance and opposition from parents of teenagers and people who think they made commitments that somehow override their obligations to the herd. All of you will be called on to screw your fare share of less than attractive women and men. 

You can stand within your preference, everything for everybody is strictly consensual, but you must be ready to satisfy partners that don’t inspire you. And we have pills for that. I don’t like to assign names according to physical attributes but you are all- and I include myself- are going to have to poke some pie wagons if you expect to get your share of the more desired ass. 

This goes for anyone if they wish to copulate, cunnilinguate, blow or bunghole another citizen. Visitors from other countries and planets will need to get a special red card to participate. Prostitution will still be practiced by politicians but for those who wish to sell their bodies know that doing so does not reduce your sexual debt to society. Everybody’s body is in the pool, the lottery, the draft however you wish to characterize it.

We haven’t figured how often citizens will be drafted for ass but every citizen will get some ass on their birthday, the week of two of their favorite holidays and we’ll get it as close as we can after April 15th when everybody feels fucked.

And don’t worry. There’ll be plenty of time to get other commie shit done once everybody gets laid.

Happy Valentine’s Weekend

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trump Wins Iowa Democratic Caucuses

As “electability” became the only recognized virtue among a majority of Democratic voters in Iowa one name kept coming up as the caucuses neared: Donald Trump. The more the other candidates claimed to be able to beat him the less convincing they became.

The Iowa Democratic Party attempted to delay the results of the caucuses last night as it became more and more apparent that all the declared candidates numbers didn’t tally up to the “step in” votes for the current president and supposed rival Donald Trump. 

“He has tweeted a number of times that he might join the Democratic race if the impeachment trial got boring which it had been since day one,” said Elizabeth Warren, currently running fourth in the polls the did not offer the president as a possible Democratic candidate.

“I have to agree with Donald on this one,” said last millennium’s front runner Joe Biden. “He and I are the only candidates that could beat Republican Trump in November.”

“Best case scenario would be the president being impeached tomorrow so that he could run clean against Pence in the fall,” the former Vice President added. “I’ve been a Vice President. You’re afraid to take your pants off at night and find nothing there.”

“I think Donald Trump is the only other candidate that my supporters would support if I somehow don’t win the nomination,” quote Bernie Sanders. “They hate Trump but it’s practically love compared to how they feel about Warren and Senator Pixie Cut and the gay mayor.”

“If he wins our party’s nomination I’d accept being his Vice,” said Pete Buttigieg. “Pence is too old for him and wears too much blue.”

“He can be my VP since I’m the Unity Candidate,” said Senator Klobucher. “I’d make him carry me on his shoulders so I can wave to my fans while an orange wave breaks on my lap.”

“I don’t know where Donald gets off jumping parties like an Oscar winning haircut on awards night,” said Mike Bloomberg. “I thought only I could do that or only someone as rich as myself could.”

“What if there’s a tie in the Electoral College- a very real mathematical possibility especially is Trump runs against himself?” asked Andrew Yang. “Then Pelosi is going to have to decide who looks better in red- Donald or herself.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

England Takes Her Language Back In Next Phase of Super Brexit

President Trump today tweeted that not only was Great Briton withdrawing from the European Union today but it was pulling its signature language, English, from the Internet, North America and India in the next phase of its withdraw from the Earth and human race.

“We’ll have to go back to speaking American,” tweeted the president this morning. “We’re still allies with GB and if they want their language back I’ll see to it that they get it.”

Francophiles in Canada’s Quebec Province rejoiced as our northern neighbor will return to being a primarily former French Colony that speaks only French.

“English is impossible. Nobody can speak it,” says Lucky Pierre of Montreal. “Cough should be pronounced cow but nobody wants to have a cow anymore. Even I Love Lucy Ball.”

A bastard language at best, English is mostly German with a heavy dose of French along with some Danish sprinkled in. The ugly offspring of a lingual menage a trois has a grammatical structure at war with itself that only professional academics and editors pretend to understand.

There are no rules of spelling and pronunciation that stand up to even a four year old’s vocabulary. 

China, who manufactures everything in your life save the gas you pass, quickly changed all brand names, instructions, labels and books to Mandarin making it the default language of the Internet and business virtually and physically overnight. 

“Italian certainly has the most colorful obscene gestures,” said Tawhua Babel, chief editor of the Oxford Standard Dictionary, “but you can’t beat old English for telling you where to go or what to do to yourself.”

“So, while it’s still available outside our borders be sure to tell everyone you know fuck you.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

2020 Vision

As the Year of the Pig ends all I read about is Donald Trump. 

As the Year of the Rat approaches all I read about are the Democratic presidential candidates.

Am I the only one that gets it?

They’re looking for a rat to beat a pig? 

And which rat will it be?

One of the lady rats? The gay rat? One of the old rats?

Warren ratted on Sanders. Hillary too but she was a Monkey year candidate.

Sanders had his rats rat on Warren.

Meanwhile, the pig is on trial for trying to get the Ukrainian president to rat on Biden.

Have I got this straight? I’m not Chinese and I’m not an astrologer.

The internet tells me rats are the beginning of a whole new twelve animal cycle.

Sounds like an election year in the Divided States of  America.

Happy New Year of the White Rat?

Don Arrup

Satire1

They Said She Said He Saia

(Scene: Elizabeth Warren’s apartment bedroom in December 2018. Strange bedfellows Bernie Sanders wearing only a tie and Warren wearing only her glasses are in bed together discussing how to defeat Donald Trump.)

Scenario 1

Liz

Do you think a woman can win the White House?

Bern

Doesn’t matter. I’m on top of the next ticket.

Liz

Get off of me.

Bern

I’m on top this time. 

Liz

This is my apartment. I’m always on top here.

Bern

Okay, you’re too strong for me. When you asked me over I assumed you wanted to be under.

Liz

You don’t think I can win, do you?

Bern

Don’t put words in my mouth. Anything else you got is fine. Especially your neck.

Liz

You don’t think a woman can be president, do you?

Bern

Fine. Okay. Whatever you say. Just don’t bounce too high and slip off. If I’m out I’m down.

Scenario 2

B

Do you think a Jew can beat Donald Trump?

E

By a Jew do you mean you?

B

Who better?

E

Well, me, for one.

B

Since when are you Jewish?

E

Well, I’m smart, a former professor, liberal and a woman. Practically the same thing. 

B

You’re not a Jew unless your mother’s a Jew. 

E

Are you saying I’m not Jewish?

B

I’m saying that.

E

Are you saying I can’t be a Jew because I’m from the Oklahoma and raised Methodist?

B

I didn’t say that.

E

Are you saying I’m not a Jew because my mother wasn’t Jewish?

B

I’m saying that.

E

I am my own Jewish person. Don’t involve my mother in this.

B

Believe me, if you were Jewish you’d know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your mother is involved in everything in your life. 

E

Are you saying a woman can’t be a Jew?

B

I didn’t say that. My mother was a Jew. Her mother was a Jew. Before that I don’t know exactly. 

E

If we’re progressives why are we laying naked in bed and talking about who’s Jewish? 

B

Trump.

Scenario 3

Sand

You’re right. I’m right. 

War

No, we’re both left.

Sand

We’re all that’s left of the Democratic Party.

War

You’re a Democratic Socialist.

Sand

And you’re a Republican.

War

Don’t say that too loud.

Sand

Okay, I’ll put it in the vault.

War

So what are we right- I mean correct about?

Sand

What this country needs.

War

Which is..?

Sand

Universal welfare.

War

You mean nobody works? There will be no employment?

Sand

We won’t have to pass a law against work. We’ll just tax wages and profits into oblivion.

War

It all goes to the top anyway.

Sand 

Soon, nothing will go to the top.

War

I’ve got to be a part of this.

Sand

Teddy Roosevelt gave us the Square Deal. His nephew the New Deal. This will be the Big Deal.

War

I hate it already.

Sand

What’s you idea?

War

I say we open up the fifteen billion acres of federal park land and preserved habitats to biosphere pioneers.

Sand

So families could settle the land and gain deed as long as they didn’t spoil their environment?

War

I want to open the Moon up to immigration.

Sand

You’re making me hard here.

War

Burn Bernie burn!

Sand 

What else you got?

War

Move the terminally ill out of expensive hospitals and into community flower gardens.

Sand 

That’ll heal them. What about prescription drugs?

War

They kill more people than street drugs. Let people just buy their drugs on the street. Nothing hurts if you’re high enough.

Sand

Like Canada. How about schools?

War

Close them. They don’t work. Total waste of funds. 

Sand

What are you going to do with the kids?

War

Dress them in tech pants and parachute t shirts. Give them an iPad, a protein bar and a Bowie knife.

Sand

And then what?

War

Just set them free. 

Sand

Like they are human beings. I love it. I had to masturbate when I was a teenager. That’s when I told God to beat it.

War

Why? You were already beating it.

Sand

That’s true. My hands aren’t small but they are delicate. 

War

And expressive.

Sand

I just flick my fingers like this and thousands of Korean girls in black dresses play violins. 

War

I have plans for the underfed, the undereducated, the untreated and the unemployed but nothing for the underfucked.

Sand

How can you say that? What were we just doing?

War

But I won’t have time when I’m president. 

Sand

I’ve been proposing a sex draft for decades. 

War

I don’t know if America is ready for Socialized Sex.

Sand

So you don’t think a woman can win the presidency?

War

I don’t think ahh duhh woman can win the presidency but I think I can. 

Sand

Maybe you’re right. I mean left.

War

Right.

Sand

Left.

War

Right.

Sand

You had a good home when you left

War

You’re right

Sand

Your baby was home when you left.

War

You’re right.

Sand 

Your mother was home when you left.

War

You’re right.

Sand 

Sound off

War

One two

Sand

Jerk off

War

Three four

Sand

Cadence count

Both

One two three four. One two- three four.

Sand 

Your baby was lonely as lonely can be.

War

No woman can win the presidency.

Sand

Ain’t it great to get to hump.

War

I’m fucking for Jesus and Donald Trump.

(They slide under the covers.)

Sand

My balls

War

One two

Sand 

Eyeballs

War

Three four

Sand 

Vote count

Both 

One two three four. One two- three four!

Don Arrup

Satire1