Senator Barack Obama threatens to end the increasing democratization of presidential speech enjoyed under President George W. Bush by dragging the political discourse upward and over the heads of many Americans. Where as Bush stayed within an elementary school range Obama’s high school vocabulary will leave many citizens out of the debate wondering what all the fuss is about. Since his appeal in the primaries proved to be mostly among the more educated he has chosen to address them alone employing 10th grade words to describe the complexities of the problems the nation faces.
“The fact that he even has a vocabulary shows he’s not one of us,” noted Fred Flintstone of Bedrock. “He talks about our children’s futures but my kids can’t understand him. They’ve never had any trouble understanding President Bush and they’re older now”
“I hope he doesn’t plan to impress the terrorists with his fancy Harvard talk,” says Jethro Bodine of Beverly Hills. “All they learn in school is how to hate Jews and Americans and make atomic bombs. They don’t even know the Bible.”
“You know why his speeches are on You Tube? Its because everyone has to listen to them five times with a dictionary beside them to have any idea what he’s talking about,” said George of the Jungle. “I don’t see why he can’t draw pictures or better yet make cartoons to explain how diplomacy works.”
“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” said Tarzan. “Big White Yale Man I understand. We’re right. They’re wrong. We’re good. They’re bad. You’re either our slave or our enemy. Everybody in world understands him. No problem.”
“If diplomacy is going to have any chance of working you’ve got to keep the message clear and simple,” says Archie Bunker of Queens. “You can take most of George W’s speeches and act them out in a few gestures that foreigners can understand. A lot of these foreigners don’t even speak English you know. ”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Bush Calls for Eco-Sanctions on Iran
Due to the Iranian government’s continued refusal to comply with the Atomic Energy Commission’s inspections President Bush is calling on the Security Council of the United Nations to impose a sanction of the Earth’s atmosphere on Iran denying them both air and sunlight until measurable progress can be demonstrated. The sanction would in effect create a bio-dome over Persian territory for the unforeseeable future.
“Since economic sanctions haven’t worked its time we got crazy and start using ecological ones,” said President Bush in a special news conference held on the White House lawn Tuesday. “Our scientists assure me that the Sun has been producing solar power by nuclear fusion not sanctioned by the AEC so Iran has been in violation going back perhaps as much as a couple of hundred years.”
When asked how the United States and the international community planned to create this bio-dome the President smiled. “It won’t cost the American taxpayer a penny. All we have to do is allow China and India to keep doing what they’re doing and then encourage Iraq. Pakistan and Afghanistan to do the same. In a few years the pollution won’t allow a ray of sunshine or a breath of breathable air into the whole region.”
“This means more solar power will be available for our economy to harness since we won’t be sharing it with that part of the world,” the President continued. When a reporter suggested that the pollution was liable to disperse throughout the Earth’s atmosphere and poison us as well the President became annoyed. “There’s no hard evidence that that will happen. Just look at Los Angeles if you can see it; it has had no effect on the blue skies of Hawaii.”
As reporters continued to express doubt as to the safety of the proposal President Bush became belligerent. “I didn’t say there wouldn’t be any sacrifice to be made by the American people. My mother loves the rugs from that region but we’re going to have to choose between breathable air and national security. I think the last two elections proved where the American people come out on that question.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“Since economic sanctions haven’t worked its time we got crazy and start using ecological ones,” said President Bush in a special news conference held on the White House lawn Tuesday. “Our scientists assure me that the Sun has been producing solar power by nuclear fusion not sanctioned by the AEC so Iran has been in violation going back perhaps as much as a couple of hundred years.”
When asked how the United States and the international community planned to create this bio-dome the President smiled. “It won’t cost the American taxpayer a penny. All we have to do is allow China and India to keep doing what they’re doing and then encourage Iraq. Pakistan and Afghanistan to do the same. In a few years the pollution won’t allow a ray of sunshine or a breath of breathable air into the whole region.”
“This means more solar power will be available for our economy to harness since we won’t be sharing it with that part of the world,” the President continued. When a reporter suggested that the pollution was liable to disperse throughout the Earth’s atmosphere and poison us as well the President became annoyed. “There’s no hard evidence that that will happen. Just look at Los Angeles if you can see it; it has had no effect on the blue skies of Hawaii.”
As reporters continued to express doubt as to the safety of the proposal President Bush became belligerent. “I didn’t say there wouldn’t be any sacrifice to be made by the American people. My mother loves the rugs from that region but we’re going to have to choose between breathable air and national security. I think the last two elections proved where the American people come out on that question.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Obama Considers General for Vice President
North Dakota Sen. Kent Conrad told the Associated Press today that Sen. Obama’s VP vetting team was looking at retired generals as possible candidates to balance the ticket against war hero John McCain. Satire1 asked citizens on the street which retired general they thought might make a good running mate for Obama.
“Robert E, Lee would definitely make Obama competitive in the South,” said Buba Rockfella of Richmond. “General Grant was already president and probably wouldn’t be interested in the second spot and besides he’s a Republican.”
“I think Caesar or Alexander the Great would make terrific Vice Presidents,” said Celina Muff of New Jersey. “I know they weren’t born in the United States but since there wasn’t any United States when they were born I think it’s a historical and unconstitutional prejudice to over look their talents.”
“I think George C. Scott is the man for the job,” said Alfonso Geathers of Baltimore. “How many guys can say they won World War II and the Academy Award.”
“General Motors is the best general this country ever had,” says Francis Connie, who retired as a private after a lifetime of service. “I mean General Electric and General Foods did a great job running the Navy but if Obama wants to pick up Michigan and Wall Street Gee Moe’s the man.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“Robert E, Lee would definitely make Obama competitive in the South,” said Buba Rockfella of Richmond. “General Grant was already president and probably wouldn’t be interested in the second spot and besides he’s a Republican.”
“I think Caesar or Alexander the Great would make terrific Vice Presidents,” said Celina Muff of New Jersey. “I know they weren’t born in the United States but since there wasn’t any United States when they were born I think it’s a historical and unconstitutional prejudice to over look their talents.”
“I think George C. Scott is the man for the job,” said Alfonso Geathers of Baltimore. “How many guys can say they won World War II and the Academy Award.”
“General Motors is the best general this country ever had,” says Francis Connie, who retired as a private after a lifetime of service. “I mean General Electric and General Foods did a great job running the Navy but if Obama wants to pick up Michigan and Wall Street Gee Moe’s the man.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
China and Israel to replace Michigan and Florida Primaries
Even though it appears that Barack Obama has secured the Democratic nomination Satire1 has learned that the super agenda committee of the National Democratic Party has decided to hold secret primaries in China and Israel to replace the delegates from Michigan and Florida. We have contacted some of our friends in the two countries to see what they think of this development.
“Florida hasn’t been part of the United States since Disney World.” said Shem Euroberg of Tel Aviv. “The peninsula has been a politically shared colony of Cuba and Israel where we live in tolerant co-existence with the Cubans controlling sports and we Jews the real estate. I belong to Israeli Floridian cooperation group that seeks to cement cultural ties between the two areas offering scholarships for students of both locations to study or party in their cousin lands. The Supreme Court of the United States never had jurisdiction over Florida and the people’s votes are never really counted anyway. Since George W’s brother was the Colonial Governor I guess he just made a few calls. “
“Michigan has always been a part of China,” says Wu Wu Wha of Beijing. “The native Chinese who you misnamed Indians had been living there since before the Yellow Emperor when they introduced potatoes, tomatoes and corn to the otherwise barren hemisphere. Nothing grew on the recently formed rock you call the Americas and there were no animals. The first Chinese there had to spread themselves too thin to create a functioning ecosystem and exhausted themselves digging the rivers, bays and gulfs necessary to support life throughout the lands. This led to a cultural breakdown and historical amnesia that still plagues our brethren today. We Chinese invented gamboling and those pots really are ours. This is just one more injustice which will be addressed after our successful Olympic Games when the People’s Liberation Army can carry the Olympic spirit to the four corners of rightful Chinese lands.”
“I don’t like the shikseh or the shvartz,” said Telob Achhem of Hebron, “I want to vote for Bloomberg or the muscleman who runs California. I don’t know why the United Nations allows Americans to elect their leader. They’re all car crazy and they can’t even make a funny sitcom anymore. They’ve got a lot of smart people over there that know business. Who do they elect? Cowboys, clowns, actors, bubbas and peanut people. The whole place is really China anyway.”
“America is just a big mall. I don’t care who the store manager is,” says Me No Shat of Kwoon Dune, “Elections are a waste. This pair of shoes or that. These primaries are just Ivy League school version of Survivor. There’s not even a fat guy.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“Florida hasn’t been part of the United States since Disney World.” said Shem Euroberg of Tel Aviv. “The peninsula has been a politically shared colony of Cuba and Israel where we live in tolerant co-existence with the Cubans controlling sports and we Jews the real estate. I belong to Israeli Floridian cooperation group that seeks to cement cultural ties between the two areas offering scholarships for students of both locations to study or party in their cousin lands. The Supreme Court of the United States never had jurisdiction over Florida and the people’s votes are never really counted anyway. Since George W’s brother was the Colonial Governor I guess he just made a few calls. “
“Michigan has always been a part of China,” says Wu Wu Wha of Beijing. “The native Chinese who you misnamed Indians had been living there since before the Yellow Emperor when they introduced potatoes, tomatoes and corn to the otherwise barren hemisphere. Nothing grew on the recently formed rock you call the Americas and there were no animals. The first Chinese there had to spread themselves too thin to create a functioning ecosystem and exhausted themselves digging the rivers, bays and gulfs necessary to support life throughout the lands. This led to a cultural breakdown and historical amnesia that still plagues our brethren today. We Chinese invented gamboling and those pots really are ours. This is just one more injustice which will be addressed after our successful Olympic Games when the People’s Liberation Army can carry the Olympic spirit to the four corners of rightful Chinese lands.”
“I don’t like the shikseh or the shvartz,” said Telob Achhem of Hebron, “I want to vote for Bloomberg or the muscleman who runs California. I don’t know why the United Nations allows Americans to elect their leader. They’re all car crazy and they can’t even make a funny sitcom anymore. They’ve got a lot of smart people over there that know business. Who do they elect? Cowboys, clowns, actors, bubbas and peanut people. The whole place is really China anyway.”
“America is just a big mall. I don’t care who the store manager is,” says Me No Shat of Kwoon Dune, “Elections are a waste. This pair of shoes or that. These primaries are just Ivy League school version of Survivor. There’s not even a fat guy.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
