Even though it appears that Barack Obama has secured the Democratic nomination Satire1 has learned that the super agenda committee of the National Democratic Party has decided to hold secret primaries in China and Israel to replace the delegates from Michigan and Florida. We have contacted some of our friends in the two countries to see what they think of this development.
“Florida hasn’t been part of the United States since Disney World.” said Shem Euroberg of Tel Aviv. “The peninsula has been a politically shared colony of Cuba and Israel where we live in tolerant co-existence with the Cubans controlling sports and we Jews the real estate. I belong to Israeli Floridian cooperation group that seeks to cement cultural ties between the two areas offering scholarships for students of both locations to study or party in their cousin lands. The Supreme Court of the United States never had jurisdiction over Florida and the people’s votes are never really counted anyway. Since George W’s brother was the Colonial Governor I guess he just made a few calls. “
“Michigan has always been a part of China,” says Wu Wu Wha of Beijing. “The native Chinese who you misnamed Indians had been living there since before the Yellow Emperor when they introduced potatoes, tomatoes and corn to the otherwise barren hemisphere. Nothing grew on the recently formed rock you call the Americas and there were no animals. The first Chinese there had to spread themselves too thin to create a functioning ecosystem and exhausted themselves digging the rivers, bays and gulfs necessary to support life throughout the lands. This led to a cultural breakdown and historical amnesia that still plagues our brethren today. We Chinese invented gamboling and those pots really are ours. This is just one more injustice which will be addressed after our successful Olympic Games when the People’s Liberation Army can carry the Olympic spirit to the four corners of rightful Chinese lands.”
“I don’t like the shikseh or the shvartz,” said Telob Achhem of Hebron, “I want to vote for Bloomberg or the muscleman who runs California. I don’t know why the United Nations allows Americans to elect their leader. They’re all car crazy and they can’t even make a funny sitcom anymore. They’ve got a lot of smart people over there that know business. Who do they elect? Cowboys, clowns, actors, bubbas and peanut people. The whole place is really China anyway.”
“America is just a big mall. I don’t care who the store manager is,” says Me No Shat of Kwoon Dune, “Elections are a waste. This pair of shoes or that. These primaries are just Ivy League school version of Survivor. There’s not even a fat guy.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
