Senate Says War With Iran Is Better Stimulus

A growing number of Senators are expressing doubts that anything short of a major war will save the economy. “This is the worst economic recession since 9/11 and the Great Depression.” Said Sen. X. “And both of those economic disruptions were only resolved by war. Afghanistan was too legal and hopeless. Nobody governs that place or ever will. Iraq was almost the perfect size and we weren’t going to use him again after Kuwait. Now Iran is the money. They attacked and occupied United States soil in 1978 by taking the embassy. Then they stuck their hand up the ass of Hezbollah to murder 246 Marines in Lebanon. They armed the radical Shiite clerics. Half the population of Baghdad is their spies and they’re twice the size of Iraq which let’s face it is past its prime as a military adventure. Where we mess up is hanging around. I’m not talking about occupying Iran. I don’t know any Senator who is. I’m talking about a quick roll through- three to six months tops- and if we don’t take too many casualties we go straight through to North Korea. It’s going to be tough on our boys defending South Korea but it’s about time they earned their pay. We won’t stay there either. South Korea can take care of that mess. Israel can have Iran. I’m sure that there's some passage in the Bible that gives it to them. After we stimulate the economy I see no reason for unnecessary violence on our part. Bring the boys and girls home and maybe we can find some nurses.”

“The Iranians attacked Greece, a NATO ally, without provocation just twenty-five hundred years ago and we did nothing,” said Sen. Y. “We’ve allowed ourselves to be distracted by the Franks, Germanic tribes, Redcoats and Reds for too long. Persia was always the enemy. These mullahs are just Xerces with a prayer rug.”

“Our automobile industry is suffering because Washington hasn’t provided it with a big enough war,” Y continued. “Detroit does fine with half the world on fire. You can’t ask American car companies to compete with the former Axis powers in selling cars to the public. Everyone wants a car from the guys who killed their uncle. Look, we would be doing the Iranians a favor in the long run. Their economy is a mess too. They need this war more than us. And in a decade or two they can outsell our cars here too.”

“I don’t like cats,” said Senator Z. “They all come from Iran and Vietnam. We took on half the cat problem in the sixties and lost because we didn’t do anything about Iran. Now we’re still stuck with cats and those beards are just laughing and scratching at us. I say war and if it gives three squares and some new boots to Americans who would otherwise be unemployed then all the better.”

Go stimulus!

Don Arrup
Satire1