Headlines During The UN Assembly

Health Care Debate Caused National Bullet Shortage
Unload your Constitutional Rights into your neighbor’s car. Rumors of Death Panels roaming the Midwest.

SUVS Protected By The Second Amendment
They kill more people than guns.

Sex Responsible For Overpopulation
Childless couples and singles celebrated the world over “I was careful and lucky and today I’m free” Day with masturbation and ice cream.

Marie Antoinette Gave Head
Is that what that huge wig was all about?

God No Longer Wants To Be Called Lord
Wants to be called “G” now.

Israelis To Be Called Palestinians Since They Live In Palestine

Diabetes Is The New AIDS
Obese is the new sexy.

James Cagney Put Something In His Hair

Record High Unemployment Among Six-Year-Olds
Experts blame aging Rock stars trying to stay relevant.

Sweatshops To Install Fans

Popeye Put Something In His Pipe

Asthma Linked To Breathing

Second Hand Cell Phone The New Smoke

Women Look Good

Obama Put Something In His Hair And Now He Doesn’t

Emmys Are A Commercial
Television makes itself an advertisement for television.

Monica Lewinsky Put Something In Her Mouth

Beer Tastes Good

Don Arrup
Satire1

Smoking Banned In Public Imagination

Nico Nazis of the NYC Dept. of Health have proposed banning smoking in public parks, beaches and imagination. A spokesperson for the agency suggested that the Sun was allergic to cigarette smoke and has brought the record rainfall of the summer in order to combat the second hand smoke of those relaxing in the parks and beaches. The spokesperson said that along with seeking the ban in open-air public spaces that they would seek a ban on smoking in the public imagination. This would include banning any movie or book that portrays smoking or characters who smoke. Casablanca, The Magnificent Seven and Star Wars would be among the casualties.

Nora Coffy, chairwoman of the Committee to Castrate All Smokers, praised the proposals. “My thirty-sixth floor apartment overlooks Riverside Park and I can’t open the windows to smell the Henry Hudson Parkway in spring because there is always some smoker violating a public bench with their murderous addiction. Sometimes it’s a cigar smoker!”

Don Arrup
Satire1

The Uncivil War

So once again South Carolina fired its volley at the Federal summit provoking uncivil war in a time of conflict. A white man insulting a black man in public is nothing new of course only this time the black man was the President of the United States addressing the nation. A perfunctory apology was strong-armed out of accuser by his party’s leadership. The President’s enemies mailed him checks.

The last time South Carolina protested a President it was Abraham Lincoln, the first Republican to hold that office, and the protest was cannon balls and rockets fired on Fort Sumter. The rebels won the day and lost the war. Some, obviously, never got over it.

Was the accusation correct? Was the President lying when he said that the Health Care Reform he was advocating would not cover illegal immigrants? In New York City where Satire1 resides most hospitals and clinics do not ask about a patient’s resident status. Whose fault is that? The Republicans did nothing to reform immigration when they were in power so the mess spills over into Health Care and Education issues. Congress could empower the President to cut off all federal health care dollars to states that don’t comply with the small print of whatever bill passes but South Carolina might see that as an intrusion on state’s rights.

I agree that the President pronouncing that illegal immigrants will not be covered strains credulity in practice. Some clinics and hospitals will probably find a way to cover abortion as well with the reform but is it a lie of the magnitude that the enemies of reform have spread? Death panels? Canadian socialism?

One politician calling another politician a liar is like a ram calling a bull horny.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Labor Day Rag

We don’t call it Workers’ Day because that sounds communist. We do recognize that many of us keep the world livable in dirty, often-dangerous underpaid jobs that are just as important as any other real job. If Presidents, moms, dads, groundhogs, veterans, secretaries and trees have their day so should those who feed, clean, sew, repair, build and dispose.

Except for President’s Day there is no Boss’s Day. You might say every workday is Boss’s Day unless you have been one. Its not Employees Day but if you’re unemployed its not your day- you don’t get a day off or to celebrate or be celebrated and you damn well know it.

We have these holidays and we usually forget what most of them mean or chose not to think about it. Memorial Day is back to the beach weekend rather than a remembrance of the price paid and being paid for our freedom. Labor Day is the last chance to go to the beach weekend.

Satire1 again chooses to suspend its wit this post in honor of those who do not receive bonuses when they screw up the entire world; grab international attention when they get drunk and forget their panties; gain viewers and listeners by playing to our basest instincts; sell books by sleeping with thieves and charlatans; and all other exploitive parasitic elements who take too much of this nation’s bounty.

To those of you who labor hard for little money and keep our world operating I thank you. We could not live without you.

Don Arrup
Satire1