Junebug

So the guy I hired backs his truck into the porch and kitchen breaking his crankcase and spilling a truckload of oil into the back of our house. His gas fumes were thick as fog and I knew that anything could set the entire house ablaze. We were in a bomb just a spark away from- I immediately called my Congressman.

I got a recording that told me what times the computer was accepting messages and that every American should vote. Satisfied that the nation’s capital was secure I decided for the sake of the family’s survival I would trust local governance. I called 911,

I got a recording telling me what numbers to call for delinquent refuse removal, dead animals and school closings. There was something about budgetary cuts and it ended with: If you are in an emergency, get help. It repeated: If you are in an emergency, get help. And added: Good luck and thank you for calling your local 911 emergency response messaging system.

I called the operator. Worked my way through two computers and got a human voice and immediately decided to keep it short.

Fire!

The operator asked what station. I told her my address. She said give her a minute and I listened to Nursing Home music and she came back on and said there was no firehouse at that address I’ll need to call one.

I asked for the department-Super Fire Headquarters Command Central-the switchboard and no computer. We were all moving out of the house at this point and neighbors started coming over with baked goods and Bibles.

A lieutenant answered the phone. I explained the situation and she asked what make the truck was. I said I think it was a Ford. The Lieutenant said that since nothing had combusted yet it was not their responsibility. I suggested in a string of expletives that one spark could cause the house to explode. She suggested I turn on the garden hose and dilute the oil and gas and contact my home insurance company.

I told her this is New Orleans. Nobody has home insurance. No company will sell us insurance. The Lieutenant was quiet for a moment then asked where the hired man bought his gas. I had no idea so I just said BP.

The Lieutenant connected me to the Bureau of Immigration and Naturalization. A man named Agent Sam was asking me about the hired man, who, by the way, I had not seen since he went through our porch and kitchen. I told Agent Sam that he had worked for me before and I didn’t know his last name. Everybody speaks with some kind of accent down here and the topic of soccer never came up so I don’t know if he calls it football. Yes, he does have a mustache.

Thirty-six hours later Obama and the press show up where my backdoor used to be. The President has his jacket off, his tie loosened and his sleeves rolled up. He wanted to know where he could find this foreigner who put the BP on me. I told him Pepe stops by once in while on Saturday mornings and asks if I have any work for him. I don’t expect to hear from him soon especially since the license plates on the truck were pre-Katrina.

The next day Secretary Hilary stopped by but with less entourage. She wanted to know what foreign power had destroyed my American dream. I told her Iran to get her out of my hair. She told me somebody would be in contact with me.

The next day the Pro Israeli lobby showed up and asked me if I was Jewish. I told them my rabbi was and that I was a radical Zionist internationalist who was attacked by locals even though everyone knows Louisiana has always been part of Greater Judea.

That evening representatives of Hamas dropped by and promised hookers and pizza. I showed them the check from the Jewish lobby and they said I should have held out for more.

England sent the Earl of Oil; the Saudis sent two Princes and India a naked old man with a mop. I was waiting for the Chinese. I put the order in two hours ago and I hate cold rice.

The Department of Homeland Security has set up a tent in our backyard and the Red Cross attendant hands out juice, water and doughnuts. My wife is putting on a pound a day. The kids are disaster celebrities at their school. I get interviewed pretty much daily and none of my socks match. I know for a fact this isn’t my underwear.

But in a few days this will all end. The Gulf oil is about to arrive. It is about to engulf us. Many of my neighbors have fled but unless they’re moving to the Moon they will never be out of its reach. We hit the Earth’s jugular vein and the oceans will be black before it empties. The shifting plates of the surface of Ea compressed the prehistoric compost into oil and diamonds. We used the diamonds to drill into our mother to make her bleed. Bleed gasoline, kerosene, plastic and jelly.

Soon the tit will run dry. No surprise, the way we suck. In less than a generation the American and German transportation systems will resemble those in rural India and China and will still be envied worldwide.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Dear Won,

I looked at Article 1 Section 8 of the Constitution which defines the powers of Congress and saw nothing to support the Health Care Bill or other social programs that arose out of the Twentieth Century. The powers are very pretty specific for most part. Now, I'm not a strict constructionist which I think is an arrogant stance to assume that we can know what the writers of the Constitution intended other than what they wrote.The Federalist Papers which argued for its creation was written by only a handful and is not what was ratified. Like the Declaration of Independence they are historically valuable but not part of the structure of governance. The straight up of the Constitution of course includes slaves as partial human beings for the sake of the Census and so on. Since slavery and other blatant racism was solidly and unmistakably written in the Constitution that would have to be taken into consideration in the reading of any original intent. I doubt the Amendments later added amended the minds of the originators.

The Republicans have a legitimate argument. I think with my very limited knowledge that the expansion of federal powers is more a matter of precedent. The New Deal created a federal bureaucracy that was later able to mobilize the country to arm the Allies to defeat the Axis and then rebuild Europe and fight the Cold War. The Second World War and its aftermath cemented a lot of the socialist programs across the industrialized world.

Libertarians say that the Fed should only be concerned with the common defense and a few other issues but I'm afraid the nature of international relations and especially America's role in the world has created such a huge military that it necessitated broader intrusion into the powers of the states and individuals lives. I don't know what would happen if American taxpayers weren't guaranteeing world stability.

So many programs started under different demographics. Social Security usually lasted for only a few years when most people died before 70. Welfare was literally called Widows and Orphans relief. Medicare like SS usually covered just a few years. I think the average was three in the first decade of its existence. In other words they were affordable programs when created. Our longevity has made them perhaps impossible to sustain. Even without all the expensive drugs and technologies the fact that our retirement years are seven times longer than when these programs were created pretty much dooms them and the country.

I like Kagan and hope that she is approved for the Supreme Court. I think she was wise to say little despite her comment years ago that nominees should just tell the Judiciary Committee what they really think. Though she is another southerner (she grew up more than twenty blocks south of center of the universe here at 95th Street) I will forgive her regional prejudices and hope that she is able to use the humor and deal cutting abilities she showed running Harvard Law.

I think that the New York Times like Fox News and Wall Street Journal argues from a very ideological position. When I was studying journalism in college the Times was considered more middle of the road than it is today. The country was more liberal then. Our exploding senior population and changing demographics necessitate fundamental changes in the relations between the government and individuals and businesses. I don't have the answers but I do believe that we can not continue on our present course.

This is nothing new. I am amused that history shifts the lines on us. With Social Security and Welfare near eighty years old it is actually conservative to defend these socialist programs. The Republican Party was founded on Abolition and Civil Rights. They were the radical liberals that literally tore the country apart with their election. Mind you, the country was hardly together in any way other than geographically before.

As a satirist I really just look at the rhetoric. I can barely make out if at all any of the reality that lies behind these debates. You can look at the facts but there are so many and which do you give weight to? Certainly many people are struggling but many of those live irresponsibly and deserve their lives. People who have worked hard from school to business create wealth for all and deserve to keep a large portion of it.

I do believe this. Our children are not born into equal circumstances. The government can not make up all the difference in what families provide. But we will decline as a country if we do not have some avenues for those of little means to develop and sell their talents in a free and fair marketplace. Is free and fair together possible? Only relatively.

The Preamble of the Constitution establishes Justice (a very big word even without the capital J) and promotes the general Welfare of the people along with Tranquility, Defense and Liberty as the goals of the country and government. These ideals are just that: ideals. We must accept them as such and not act like we have the "right" interpretation of what is really just a bare though brilliant outline of governance.

All Democracies are loud and contentious. That is how they operate. Issues change. The lines shift with time. Sound bites are just the latest form of sloganeering. Nobody likes paying taxes and everybody wants more. My most intense training in economics and politics was teaching Pre School. I often didn't have the answers then either but I did begin to learn how to listen. My family and friends cover the political spectrum including those wise souls who chose to ignore politics altogether. I respect them all and hope that I have pissed them all off one time or another with my satires. Almost all of my satires piss me off. I write them not only out of a sense of ego and patriotism but to ease my digestion and sooth my liver.

Politics quiets down a little this time of year as even politicians take vacations. The country remains both physically and emotionally hot while the economy stays anxiously cool. Take a break if you can. Go to a friend's daughter's wedding or just get away. The whole mess will be there waiting on your doorstep or your homepage when you return.

Stay Cool.

Don Arrup
Satire1

The Only Thing Worse Than The Economy Is The Weather

President Obama addressed the nation from the White House lawn yesterday:

“As you all know, the country has endured the hottest June on record and July is on course to continue the hell. Americans electrical bills are going through the roof whether you have central air conditioning or are getting by with just a fan. There are brown outs across the country. The unregulated unupdated electrical grid is on the brink of collapse threatening to jettison most of the country back into the Nineteenth Century.”

“No one disputes this. There is no debate. Just go outside. I hope it is not a symptom of global warming because if it is its too late. So I have asked Congress to pass legislation that will turn the passive and reactive National Weather Service into a proactive and formidable force that will not just predict and record the weather but shape it and regulate it to benefit all Americans.”

“Just think of the crops our farmers could grow secure in the knowledge that their federal government guarantees minimum weekly rainfall. Or of the summer jobs resorts would create knowing that vacationers know it will only rain, hail and hurricane in the early a.m. hours.”

“Television and movies could pursue more location shooting. Concerts and sporting events would never be cancelled. Every bride will be provided a sunny day for her special day. If my proposal is adopted and passed by Congress no American ever again will have to save for a rainy day. There will be no more rainy days.”

“And what do we hear from the Republicans? Can’t be done. Weather is up to God. Weather is a local issue. Who’s going to pay for it? To which I say it can be done. Weather used to be up to God but now it’s gone to the Devil. Both the heat waves and the electrical grid are not only multi-state but also multi-regional. And most importantly, the new National Weather Making Service will pay for itself within eighteen years of our initial investment of four trillion dollars.”

“So as the citizens suffer under oppressive heat, grandma can’t leave her house during the day and construction workers, athletes and children collapse of heat exhaustion and stroke the Republicans are chirping can’t be done and costs too much.”

“There are over four hundred thousand weather making and controlling devices on file at the Patent Office just waiting for investment. Native American tribes have over two hundred rain dances that could be performed on the scale of the Beijing Olympics opening ceremony wherever the country is suffering drought.”

“Can’t be done. That’s why they’re tying up the legislation. Because transforming the National Weather Service to fit the needs of American people is somehow an intrusion of government and a threat to our liberty.”

“They said man would never fly. Man will never set foot on the Moon. A Black man will never host the Tonight Show. We have seen what is possible when the American people put their minds and pocketbooks to work and I am telling you and the obstructionist Republicans and Blue Dog Democrats that mankind has suffered under the tyranny of Nature long enough.”

“I urge all Americans to write, email or call their Congressperson and tell them that you’re hot and you won’t take it anymore. “

Don Arrup
Satire1

Pink Thrill

The search for a female Viagra or Pink Viagra is sparking debate in the headlines again. Can a pill give the girls a thrill? Probably not. Certainly the pharmaceutical companies can increase blood flow to the pelvic area even concentrating it on the clitoris but that was never the problem.

In the pharmacopeias of Traditional Chinese Medicine male desire and performance has dozens of herbs to assist: deer horn, centipede, animal testes, horny goat weed and lamb to mention just a few. The sole female enhancer is Tibetan Saffron of which no one seems to bother to make extract vials or capsules you can buy at a convenience store. The number of Chinese alone testifies to their knowledge of sex.

So right now credit cards remain the most potent female aphrodisiac. Indeed, as a bald economist I speculate that the entire economy of the developed world would collapse if seduction could be concentrated into a pill. The only restaurants remaining would be fast food. Who would need a Porsche or a Cadillac? The gem trade would disappear. Movies would have to find real stories and most music would be patriotic. Chocolate would be for kids and fashion would conform to human comfort and functionality.

No one wants to live in a world like that. So for those with money splurge. For those with few bucks I’m afraid expenditures in consideration, patience and caring will have to continue into the fuckable future.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Dependence Day

President Obama addressed the nation in his weekly radio spot.

“Today, July 3rd 2010, marks another celebration of our dependence on the foreign governments and investors to keep afloat our unsustainable way of life as Americans. From the under priced goods from Asia’s sweatshops to the blind lending of the Chinese and Japanese governments our bounty is assured.”

“Tomorrow, we will celebrate Independence Day and indeed for a century or two we were independent but that is long gone now. Still, it is fitting to remember that Americans were at one time willing to buy goods made by Americans- even cars. American companies exploited our resources rather than British Petroleum. Hollywood movies weren’t made in Canada. And almost no one played soccer.”

"We should also remember that we once harvested our own food, mowed our own lawns, built our own homes and raised our own children. Now, with new immigration legislation in sight we can seal the borders, deport millions and decimate half our industries."

“Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln would have been proud of us in 1966. Now we remember Chairman Mao and Tojo as our forefathers. We had won World War Two for decades and the Cold War for over ten years but we sold those victories to cover our debts. Long live the People’s Republic of America in the Greater Global Co-Prosperity Sphere.”

Don Arrup
Satire1