President Obama addressed the nation from the White House lawn yesterday:
“As you all know, the country has endured the hottest June on record and July is on course to continue the hell. Americans electrical bills are going through the roof whether you have central air conditioning or are getting by with just a fan. There are brown outs across the country. The unregulated unupdated electrical grid is on the brink of collapse threatening to jettison most of the country back into the Nineteenth Century.”
“No one disputes this. There is no debate. Just go outside. I hope it is not a symptom of global warming because if it is its too late. So I have asked Congress to pass legislation that will turn the passive and reactive National Weather Service into a proactive and formidable force that will not just predict and record the weather but shape it and regulate it to benefit all Americans.”
“Just think of the crops our farmers could grow secure in the knowledge that their federal government guarantees minimum weekly rainfall. Or of the summer jobs resorts would create knowing that vacationers know it will only rain, hail and hurricane in the early a.m. hours.”
“Television and movies could pursue more location shooting. Concerts and sporting events would never be cancelled. Every bride will be provided a sunny day for her special day. If my proposal is adopted and passed by Congress no American ever again will have to save for a rainy day. There will be no more rainy days.”
“And what do we hear from the Republicans? Can’t be done. Weather is up to God. Weather is a local issue. Who’s going to pay for it? To which I say it can be done. Weather used to be up to God but now it’s gone to the Devil. Both the heat waves and the electrical grid are not only multi-state but also multi-regional. And most importantly, the new National Weather Making Service will pay for itself within eighteen years of our initial investment of four trillion dollars.”
“So as the citizens suffer under oppressive heat, grandma can’t leave her house during the day and construction workers, athletes and children collapse of heat exhaustion and stroke the Republicans are chirping can’t be done and costs too much.”
“There are over four hundred thousand weather making and controlling devices on file at the Patent Office just waiting for investment. Native American tribes have over two hundred rain dances that could be performed on the scale of the Beijing Olympics opening ceremony wherever the country is suffering drought.”
“Can’t be done. That’s why they’re tying up the legislation. Because transforming the National Weather Service to fit the needs of American people is somehow an intrusion of government and a threat to our liberty.”
“They said man would never fly. Man will never set foot on the Moon. A Black man will never host the Tonight Show. We have seen what is possible when the American people put their minds and pocketbooks to work and I am telling you and the obstructionist Republicans and Blue Dog Democrats that mankind has suffered under the tyranny of Nature long enough.”
“I urge all Americans to write, email or call their Congressperson and tell them that you’re hot and you won’t take it anymore. “
Don Arrup
Satire1
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