Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this and other blogs like it possible.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Guide To End Of Days
For those of you new to the end of the world and Universe Satire1 has provided a handy guide to dealing with the Biblical Apocalypse that began today May 21, 2011.
How to recognize the Apocalypse
The first sign of the Apocalypse is the great powers (currently the United States and European Union) will find themselves in frightening financial straits perhaps even owing money to recent enemies. This is already well underway.
The second sign of the Apocalypse is that the greatest power on Earth will find and destroy the devil of this Millennium and discover that none of their problems have gone away. This happened earlier this month.
The third sign of the Apocalypse is a revolt of the downtrodden masses around the Holy Land succeeding by returning to the original Universal language used by humans before being dispersed at the Tower of Babel. Tweeting or the Language of Thumbs took over this (Arab) spring.
What you can do to deal with the Apocalypse
Well, actually there is nothing you can do but Satire1 provides you with some complete wastes of time and money that might delude you into feeling safer until the earthquakes finally begin to tear the surface of the Earth apart.
Buy a bigger house than you can afford.
Since most of us will be buried under our own roof why not get a big one to run under when the rain of fire begins. Interest rates are at record low levels and no one pays off their mortgages anymore anyway.
Buy a too big vehicle.
Following the logic of the too big house purchase, why be buried in a small car? The rain of fire might catch you on the road and you will have seconds to feel superior and protected watching Smart cars cinderize before you perish in your Military Transport.
Enroll in a college you can’t afford.
That would be any college by the way including State schools. Since there will be no jobs even if the Earth is saved by Divine Intervention you would be a fool not to accrue massive debt and the full spectrum of sexually transmitted diseases. When visiting prospective campuses forget the library. Check out the pool.
Bear children you have no intention of raising.
Since spanking is prosecuted as murder and even gentle guidance can get you arrested for verbal abuse let your wild offspring run roughshod over your neighbors property and enjoy what little time they have. No one reaches maturity anymore no matter how much time they have so what the hell? We’re all going there anyway. Why not get used to it here?
Don Arrup
Satire1
How to recognize the Apocalypse
The first sign of the Apocalypse is the great powers (currently the United States and European Union) will find themselves in frightening financial straits perhaps even owing money to recent enemies. This is already well underway.
The second sign of the Apocalypse is that the greatest power on Earth will find and destroy the devil of this Millennium and discover that none of their problems have gone away. This happened earlier this month.
The third sign of the Apocalypse is a revolt of the downtrodden masses around the Holy Land succeeding by returning to the original Universal language used by humans before being dispersed at the Tower of Babel. Tweeting or the Language of Thumbs took over this (Arab) spring.
What you can do to deal with the Apocalypse
Well, actually there is nothing you can do but Satire1 provides you with some complete wastes of time and money that might delude you into feeling safer until the earthquakes finally begin to tear the surface of the Earth apart.
Buy a bigger house than you can afford.
Since most of us will be buried under our own roof why not get a big one to run under when the rain of fire begins. Interest rates are at record low levels and no one pays off their mortgages anymore anyway.
Buy a too big vehicle.
Following the logic of the too big house purchase, why be buried in a small car? The rain of fire might catch you on the road and you will have seconds to feel superior and protected watching Smart cars cinderize before you perish in your Military Transport.
Enroll in a college you can’t afford.
That would be any college by the way including State schools. Since there will be no jobs even if the Earth is saved by Divine Intervention you would be a fool not to accrue massive debt and the full spectrum of sexually transmitted diseases. When visiting prospective campuses forget the library. Check out the pool.
Bear children you have no intention of raising.
Since spanking is prosecuted as murder and even gentle guidance can get you arrested for verbal abuse let your wild offspring run roughshod over your neighbors property and enjoy what little time they have. No one reaches maturity anymore no matter how much time they have so what the hell? We’re all going there anyway. Why not get used to it here?
Don Arrup
Satire1
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Who Knew?
The accusation that Osama Bin Laden only vacationed in Pakistan but lived and worked in Washington D.C. as valet to the current and former presidents has been confirmed by the White House.
Imp Erp has run security at the White House since 2006
“I couldn’t recognize him without the hat. I guess technically it’s a turban but it reminds me of the Alka-Seltzer kid’s hat. That kid’s name is Speedy. We know where he is. But no, I didn’t know he was the world’s most wanted man. Not with the trim beard and a tie.”
Justin Blow, FBI Liaison
“He passed the security check. His resume stated that his name was Osama Bin Laden. Listed Al Qaeda and the Mujahideen as former employers. We thoroughly investigated his background and it all checked out. How were we to know that he was the Osama Bin Laden?”
Dick Cheney, former Vice President of the United States
“President Bush was never informed that his valet was the most notorious terrorist in history. Osama gave a great shave and haircut. Knew how to use an iron and could slip a cowboy boot on a kangaroo. And don’t forget the propaganda value. He was our most valuable ally in selling two wars.”
Eman Iman, State Department Liaison
“I couldn’t figure out whether he was tall or gay.”
X, National Security Advisor since 2009
“He and President Obama hung out a lot and even prayed together. Surprisingly they’re both closet Jews.”
Secretary of State Hilary Clinton
I can say for a fact that he was tall. But I have no personal knowledge of his sexual preference. He did like to make videos of himself and at his age…”
General Umph Sucocski
“I can’t tell you how relived I was to learn that he was a terrorist and that he was dead. I thought he was a lobbyist.”
Wax Awf, White House Shop Stewart
“Of course I knew he was the terrorist but he was always up on his dues. Threw a couple bucks to every drive and campaign we had. No absenteeism. All the armies and lawyers in the world couldn’t have taken him out if he just showed up for work everyday. This is America, not Wisconsin.”
Felicia Spread, Tour Guide since 2003
“Did I know Sámi? I was like only one of his wives for like three weeks, mostly in War Room, but I got tired of hearing about his other wives and he wanted me to go to his compound on the weekends but it was like seventeen hours by plane.”
Joe Biden, Current Vice President of the United States
“I’m going to miss his haircuts. And I need a trim. But most of all I’m going to miss Osama because terrorism needs a face. Who are we going to throw darts at? Paint on the bottom of our urinals? The reason we struggled in Korea and Vietnam was we didn’t have an individual who personified the enemy. And Atmydinnerjob and Kim Ill whatever. They’re just clowns.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Imp Erp has run security at the White House since 2006
“I couldn’t recognize him without the hat. I guess technically it’s a turban but it reminds me of the Alka-Seltzer kid’s hat. That kid’s name is Speedy. We know where he is. But no, I didn’t know he was the world’s most wanted man. Not with the trim beard and a tie.”
Justin Blow, FBI Liaison
“He passed the security check. His resume stated that his name was Osama Bin Laden. Listed Al Qaeda and the Mujahideen as former employers. We thoroughly investigated his background and it all checked out. How were we to know that he was the Osama Bin Laden?”
Dick Cheney, former Vice President of the United States
“President Bush was never informed that his valet was the most notorious terrorist in history. Osama gave a great shave and haircut. Knew how to use an iron and could slip a cowboy boot on a kangaroo. And don’t forget the propaganda value. He was our most valuable ally in selling two wars.”
Eman Iman, State Department Liaison
“I couldn’t figure out whether he was tall or gay.”
X, National Security Advisor since 2009
“He and President Obama hung out a lot and even prayed together. Surprisingly they’re both closet Jews.”
Secretary of State Hilary Clinton
I can say for a fact that he was tall. But I have no personal knowledge of his sexual preference. He did like to make videos of himself and at his age…”
General Umph Sucocski
“I can’t tell you how relived I was to learn that he was a terrorist and that he was dead. I thought he was a lobbyist.”
Wax Awf, White House Shop Stewart
“Of course I knew he was the terrorist but he was always up on his dues. Threw a couple bucks to every drive and campaign we had. No absenteeism. All the armies and lawyers in the world couldn’t have taken him out if he just showed up for work everyday. This is America, not Wisconsin.”
Felicia Spread, Tour Guide since 2003
“Did I know Sámi? I was like only one of his wives for like three weeks, mostly in War Room, but I got tired of hearing about his other wives and he wanted me to go to his compound on the weekends but it was like seventeen hours by plane.”
Joe Biden, Current Vice President of the United States
“I’m going to miss his haircuts. And I need a trim. But most of all I’m going to miss Osama because terrorism needs a face. Who are we going to throw darts at? Paint on the bottom of our urinals? The reason we struggled in Korea and Vietnam was we didn’t have an individual who personified the enemy. And Atmydinnerjob and Kim Ill whatever. They’re just clowns.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
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