Guide To End Of Days

For those of you new to the end of the world and Universe Satire1 has provided a handy guide to dealing with the Biblical Apocalypse that began today May 21, 2011.

How to recognize the Apocalypse
The first sign of the Apocalypse is the great powers (currently the United States and European Union) will find themselves in frightening financial straits perhaps even owing money to recent enemies. This is already well underway.

The second sign of the Apocalypse is that the greatest power on Earth will find and destroy the devil of this Millennium and discover that none of their problems have gone away. This happened earlier this month.

The third sign of the Apocalypse is a revolt of the downtrodden masses around the Holy Land succeeding by returning to the original Universal language used by humans before being dispersed at the Tower of Babel. Tweeting or the Language of Thumbs took over this (Arab) spring.

What you can do to deal with the Apocalypse
Well, actually there is nothing you can do but Satire1 provides you with some complete wastes of time and money that might delude you into feeling safer until the earthquakes finally begin to tear the surface of the Earth apart.

Buy a bigger house than you can afford.
Since most of us will be buried under our own roof why not get a big one to run under when the rain of fire begins. Interest rates are at record low levels and no one pays off their mortgages anymore anyway.

Buy a too big vehicle.
Following the logic of the too big house purchase, why be buried in a small car? The rain of fire might catch you on the road and you will have seconds to feel superior and protected watching Smart cars cinderize before you perish in your Military Transport.

Enroll in a college you can’t afford.
That would be any college by the way including State schools. Since there will be no jobs even if the Earth is saved by Divine Intervention you would be a fool not to accrue massive debt and the full spectrum of sexually transmitted diseases. When visiting prospective campuses forget the library. Check out the pool.

Bear children you have no intention of raising.
Since spanking is prosecuted as murder and even gentle guidance can get you arrested for verbal abuse let your wild offspring run roughshod over your neighbors property and enjoy what little time they have. No one reaches maturity anymore no matter how much time they have so what the hell? We’re all going there anyway. Why not get used to it here?

Don Arrup
Satire1