Who Knew?

The accusation that Osama Bin Laden only vacationed in Pakistan but lived and worked in Washington D.C. as valet to the current and former presidents has been confirmed by the White House.

Imp Erp has run security at the White House since 2006

“I couldn’t recognize him without the hat. I guess technically it’s a turban but it reminds me of the Alka-Seltzer kid’s hat. That kid’s name is Speedy. We know where he is. But no, I didn’t know he was the world’s most wanted man. Not with the trim beard and a tie.”

Justin Blow, FBI Liaison

“He passed the security check. His resume stated that his name was Osama Bin Laden. Listed Al Qaeda and the Mujahideen as former employers. We thoroughly investigated his background and it all checked out. How were we to know that he was the Osama Bin Laden?”

Dick Cheney, former Vice President of the United States

“President Bush was never informed that his valet was the most notorious terrorist in history. Osama gave a great shave and haircut. Knew how to use an iron and could slip a cowboy boot on a kangaroo. And don’t forget the propaganda value. He was our most valuable ally in selling two wars.”

Eman Iman, State Department Liaison

“I couldn’t figure out whether he was tall or gay.”

X, National Security Advisor since 2009

“He and President Obama hung out a lot and even prayed together. Surprisingly they’re both closet Jews.”

Secretary of State Hilary Clinton

I can say for a fact that he was tall. But I have no personal knowledge of his sexual preference. He did like to make videos of himself and at his age…”

General Umph Sucocski
“I can’t tell you how relived I was to learn that he was a terrorist and that he was dead. I thought he was a lobbyist.”

Wax Awf, White House Shop Stewart
“Of course I knew he was the terrorist but he was always up on his dues. Threw a couple bucks to every drive and campaign we had. No absenteeism. All the armies and lawyers in the world couldn’t have taken him out if he just showed up for work everyday. This is America, not Wisconsin.”

Felicia Spread, Tour Guide since 2003
“Did I know Sámi? I was like only one of his wives for like three weeks, mostly in War Room, but I got tired of hearing about his other wives and he wanted me to go to his compound on the weekends but it was like seventeen hours by plane.”

Joe Biden, Current Vice President of the United States
“I’m going to miss his haircuts. And I need a trim. But most of all I’m going to miss Osama because terrorism needs a face. Who are we going to throw darts at? Paint on the bottom of our urinals? The reason we struggled in Korea and Vietnam was we didn’t have an individual who personified the enemy. And Atmydinnerjob and Kim Ill whatever. They’re just clowns.”

Don Arrup
Satire1