Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Definitions


Legal Rape
Forcing a woman to continue with a pregnancy that is the result of a rape. Also known as double rape or compound rape. 

Legitimate Rape
The unwelcome and forceful penetration of Representative Todd Aikin.

Illegitimate Rape
The unwelcome and forceful penetration of anyone who is not Todd Aikin or a convicted rapist.

Financial Rape
The last three decades in the United States economy.

Political Rape
K Street. 

Cultural Rape
Reality TV.

Student Rape
Tuition at American higher education institutions.

Sanity Rape
The 2012 political campaign.

Don Arrup
Satire1




Sunday, August 19, 2012

Ham On Rye


Representative Paul Ryan of Won'tconson has called for an overhaul to the voluminous tax code by ending most write offs and reducing the tax brackets to two: 10% and 25%. Though he has been a little vague on which write offs he would end he has assured us they would apply to both individuals and corporations (which the Supreme Court has ruled are also individuals).

When asked if he would adopt his Vice Presidential pick's plan, Governor Romney said it was neat and he would pass something similar only he would have a 10% and a 20% bracket fearing that poor people couldn't afford a one quarter hit on their income.

Paul Ryan is pro life. Mitt Romney was free what, then pro huh and now anti death.

Representative Ryan proposes ending the federal guarantee of medicare and medicaid and would replace it with block grants to states who would offer vouchers for private insurance or their own med/med plans. Governor Romney likes seniors. 

Though just a sampling, we can see that Mr. Ryan takes strong stands on controversial issues, has bold plans to deal with our intractable fiscal problems and continuously strives to communicate and defend his positions while Mr. Romney believes in America. 

Question: Which one has spent the last eighteen years in Washington?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Switch Bitch


The IRS, FBI and Department of Homeland Security just released a report based on a thorough eight month coordinated investigation into the backgrounds of President Barack Obama and former Governor Mitt Romney showing that the current allegations against them are not only incorrect but switched.

The report offers clear evidence that President Obama had hidden millions of dollars in unreported royalties from his bestsellers in a mattress in his Chicago home. Hundreds of thousands of dollars from prior speaking engagements in small denominations are currently secured in a ceramic teddy bear shaped cookie jar in the White House and he has been receiving free haircuts from celebrity barbers on Air Force One. 

The report also clearly proves that Mitt Romney was born in Kenya to a Kenyan woman seduced by the Watchtower Magazine into having intercourse with two young Mormon ministers in white shirts and ties. Since DNA evidence was not available in the 1940's the paternity of the boy was assumed by Romney's adopted father whose turn it was as an elder of the Church to cover such mishaps.

Retired Admiral Hogwash who commanded the joint investigative force stated that no criminal or civil charges will be brought in lieu of the investigations but it was hoped that some daylight on these issues might persuade some of the numb nuts to just shut the hell up.

Don Arrup
Satire1 

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Good News Paper


No Major Earthquakes In July

Two Weeks Without A Mass Killing In U.S.

Fewer Than A Hundred Thousand Evictions Last Week

Europe Still Afloat

Some Syrian Revolutionaries Still Alive

Obama On Vacation

Romney Finishes Tour

Congress Promises To Go Home

No Olympic Summer Humiliation For Another Four Years

My Ass Itches From The Heat But I Can Scratch It

Don Arrup
Satire1