The IRS, FBI and Department of Homeland Security just released a report based on a thorough eight month coordinated investigation into the backgrounds of President Barack Obama and former Governor Mitt Romney showing that the current allegations against them are not only incorrect but switched.
The report offers clear evidence that President Obama had hidden millions of dollars in unreported royalties from his bestsellers in a mattress in his Chicago home. Hundreds of thousands of dollars from prior speaking engagements in small denominations are currently secured in a ceramic teddy bear shaped cookie jar in the White House and he has been receiving free haircuts from celebrity barbers on Air Force One.
The report also clearly proves that Mitt Romney was born in Kenya to a Kenyan woman seduced by the Watchtower Magazine into having intercourse with two young Mormon ministers in white shirts and ties. Since DNA evidence was not available in the 1940's the paternity of the boy was assumed by Romney's adopted father whose turn it was as an elder of the Church to cover such mishaps.
Retired Admiral Hogwash who commanded the joint investigative force stated that no criminal or civil charges will be brought in lieu of the investigations but it was hoped that some daylight on these issues might persuade some of the numb nuts to just shut the hell up.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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