Thursday, December 13, 2012

Right Brain Left Hand


President Obama addressed the nation on national radio.

My fellow Americans, as we are all aware a sizable portion of our neighbors are still struggling and those who always struggle are in desperate straights. We here in Washington, both Republicans and Democrats, are trying our best to deal with the country’s wars and crises and we are not getting the job done.

The first thing that both parties have to do now is throw away the masks and own up to our true political natures. Only then with all the cards on the table can we have a true political dialog and begin to address the nation’s problems.

Democrats are not socialists. Democrats are communists. Not totalitarian communists but democratic communists. There is certainly not a dictatorship of the proletariat but a dictatorship of special interests and lobbyists. We are elected and if the majority of voters are unhappy with us we surrender our office and return home to meddle in our communities.

The Republicans are the socialists. National Socialists. They allow industries to write their own regulations, are devoted to the military industrial complex and promote the idea that every household is a militia.

We godless hippie tree huggers would rather destroy the entire economy of the Pacific Northwest than endanger an owl even PBS can’t get a picture of while the Bible thumping politically correct racists want the government out of our pockets but checking our genitals if we wish to marry.

These are legitimate political differences that accurately reflect the views of the American people. There is no easy solution but America doesn’t quit when the going gets tough. America gets violent.

I have spoken to Senator Reid and Ex-Speaker Pelosi and together we have invited the Republican leaders to a closed-door session to see if we can find an equitable division of sovereignty between the parties. For instance, the Republicans will control legislation concerning firearms which means there will be no gun control while the Democrats will be free to completely nationalize the health care system.

Republicans can eliminate income, capital gains and death taxes while Democrats raise Social Security and Medicare contributions to the roof. Corporations can continue to regulate themselves while poor people continue to fend for themselves. Our armed services will begin collecting protection funds directly from the American people through their federalized National Guard units. Customs, DEA, FBI, CIA and the federal courts will operate off of confiscations. Air Traffic Control will be eliminated and I doubt anyone will notice.

National Parks will of course have to raise fees to become self sufficient and the States will have to buy disaster area insurance from the private sector. Good luck to Florida and Louisiana. The State Department will become the nation’s sole travel agency and passports will have to be renewed with each trip.

With these changes your entire federal government within ten years time could be running as smoothly and efficiently as Amtrak, the Post Office, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

We are currently in negotiations to sell Alaska back to Russia at a handsome profit and China is considering relieving a sizable portion of our debt in exchange for Hawaii. Neither of these territories ever truly became part of the union as evidenced in their lack of professional ball clubs. They were mistakenly given statehood at the height of Cold War hysteria and with the Berlin Wall long gone it is time to dump these welfare states. And I am a son of Hawaii.

This may sound crazy to the columnists and talking heads but right now we are not willing to do what is necessary to either stimulate the economy or control the debt. Both our economy and war efforts are on life support and we’re compromising every treatment down to an aspirin tablet. Our inaction is turning the America we hand over to our children into a Chinese debtor’s prison. This is not what our Founding Fathers, Marx and Hitler, intended.

Don Arrup
Satire1


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