President Obama addressed the nation on
national radio.
My fellow Americans, as we are all
aware a sizable portion of our neighbors are still struggling and
those who always struggle are in desperate straights. We here in
Washington, both Republicans and Democrats, are trying our best to
deal with the country’s wars and crises and we are not getting the
job done.
The first thing that both parties have
to do now is throw away the masks and own up to our true political
natures. Only then with all the cards on the table can we have a true
political dialog and begin to address the nation’s problems.
Democrats are not socialists.
Democrats are communists. Not totalitarian communists but democratic
communists. There is certainly not a dictatorship of the proletariat
but a dictatorship of special interests and lobbyists. We are elected
and if the majority of voters are unhappy with us we surrender our
office and return home to meddle in our communities.
The Republicans are the socialists.
National Socialists. They allow industries to write their own
regulations, are devoted to the military industrial complex and
promote the idea that every household is a militia.
We godless hippie tree huggers would
rather destroy the entire economy of the Pacific Northwest than
endanger an owl even PBS can’t get a picture of while the Bible
thumping politically correct racists want the government out of our
pockets but checking our genitals if we wish to marry.
These are legitimate political
differences that accurately reflect the views of the American people.
There is no easy solution but America doesn’t quit when the going
gets tough. America gets violent.
I have spoken to Senator Reid and
Ex-Speaker Pelosi and together we have invited the Republican leaders
to a closed-door session to see if we can find an equitable division
of sovereignty between the parties. For instance, the Republicans
will control legislation concerning firearms which means there will
be no gun control while the Democrats will be free to completely
nationalize the health care system.
Republicans can eliminate income,
capital gains and death taxes while Democrats raise Social Security
and Medicare contributions to the roof. Corporations can continue to
regulate themselves while poor people continue to fend for
themselves. Our armed services will begin collecting protection funds
directly from the American people through their federalized National
Guard units. Customs, DEA, FBI, CIA and the federal courts will
operate off of confiscations. Air Traffic Control will be eliminated
and I doubt anyone will notice.
National Parks will of course have to
raise fees to become self sufficient and the States will have to buy
disaster area insurance from the private sector. Good luck to Florida
and Louisiana. The State Department will become the nation’s sole
travel agency and passports will have to be renewed with each trip.
With these changes your entire federal
government within ten years time could be running as smoothly and
efficiently as Amtrak, the Post Office, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
We are currently in negotiations to
sell Alaska back to Russia at a handsome profit and China is
considering relieving a sizable portion of our debt in exchange for
Hawaii. Neither of these territories ever truly became part of the
union as evidenced in their lack of professional ball clubs. They
were mistakenly given statehood at the height of Cold War hysteria
and with the Berlin Wall long gone it is time to dump these welfare
states. And I am a son of Hawaii.
This may sound crazy to the columnists
and talking heads but right now we are not willing to do what is
necessary to either stimulate the economy or control the debt. Both
our economy and war efforts are on life support and we’re
compromising every treatment down to an aspirin tablet. Our inaction
is turning the America we hand over to our children into a Chinese
debtor’s prison. This is not what our Founding Fathers, Marx and
Hitler, intended.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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