Fair Shame Game

A bipartisan effort is underway in Congress to address the nation's Swiss cheese approach to terrorism with legislators calling for truly comprehensive regulations to protect the American people. A partial list of proposals along with a sampling of their reasonings now in House and Senate committees includes:

Cuisine Terror

Background checks on buyers of pressure cookers and a ban on cookware shows. 

"Television and the internet are rife with foreigners explaining how to make explosive devises out of common kitchen equipment disguising their instruction as warnings and precautions."

Domestic Shoe Production

 In the 1960's, ninety-eight per cent of the nation's shoes were manufactured in the U.S. Now, ninety per cent are imported from overseas. The 2009 Shoe Bomber brought to light these ticking bombs literally under our feet. 

"The American people have come to rely on being shod for their personal protection and comfort. The popularity of footwear is too universal in this country for the FBI and Homeland Security to investigate. Until we control our ports and borders we must have American shoes!"

Van Damn Parking

With SUVs and vans making up close to half of the nation's household vehicles and a gallon of gasoline having the explosive power of 14 sticks of dynamite, concerns over large capacity tanks is provoking regulation to segregate their parking to forty feet away from any other vehicle, walkway or building.

"Saying that SUVs are only five times more lethal than the average automobile is downright propaganda. Their full gas tank could take out half a city block."

School Is For Fools

The amassing of a community's children in isolated buildings during the day is simply an invitation to disaster. Since "students" have long ceased learning anything of value or employment preparation we can only conclude that laws mandating their warehousing for six hours a day are to accommodate pedophiles and terrorists.

"Why are we subjecting our kids to overpaid union Communists who only propagandize them? Kids only believe what they see on TV anyway so why not keep them home in front of the tube and hand the Department of Education over to Madison Avenue where it belongs?"

Box Bombers

Experts agree that "going postal" has all but disappeared in recent years since all the U.S. Postal Service has to do to murder the population is deliver the mail. Between Unabombs, ricin, anthrax, holiday fruitcakes and the hundred other yet to be identified to the public poisons that lace our mail your mailman has no reason to waste expensive ammunition on his route. Note how many postal workers wear surgical examination gloves.

"Who needs Al Qaeda when you have the Post Office? Hamas and Hezbollah have been all but put out of business by UPS and FedX."

Don Arrup

Satire1