As it is once again rub loneliness in the face of the unattached day, Satire1 celebrates the misery of the rejected and overlooked with a review of the latest and most honest dating apps that have digitally replaced chance, romance, concerned friends and springtime nights. So for you readers who are (un)happily configured a look at the current madness that replaced the familiar madness and for you, like I, adrift alone in the sea of love push up your bras, sew that roll of quarters into your pants pocket and brave the new world.
XRITENOW.COM
Fastest growing dating app known for asking only two questions in its profile: where and how soon you can get there. Recommended for singles new to the dating app scene as it dispenses with the awkward vertical aspect of courtship.
SPANKER.EDU
Collegiate service that connects local campus dorms in a Saturday night love lottery, Friday night pot luck hookup and Thursday night shit face. Started up by two sophomores at MIT who couldn’t quite get the hang of masturbation.
THATSNOTASALUTEBUTILIKEIT.COM
Offers military personnel safe havens where they can cross ranks for hand to hand close quarters orifice invasions and delayed defenses. Popular with the overseas deployed and the stateside encamped.
CELLMATES.COM
Allows inmates in the same big house to secure rendezvouses in cafeteria and shower corners in off hours for picking at the lock your mama gave you.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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