Last Month of Winter

Pope Francis called a colloquium to discuss removing pedophilia from the curriculum of Roman Catholic education. “Heroic priests for centuries have been overcoming their distaste for sodomy to provide individual tutoring to young boys confused over what sexual acts are forbidden by the church,” said Cardinal DeSade. “The question is whether penetration might be a tad too demonstrative for religious instructional purposes.”

An estimated three million Venezuelans have crossed the border into Columbia, many on foot, as a part of an ancient tradition called This placed is fucked. I’m outta here. They’ll be joining the thousands who left in previous months as part of I can’t get my meds- I need my meds trek.

Princeton Physicist William Happer has been appointed to a White House twelve member panel to determine whether climate change is a threat to national security. Professor Happer is known as a booster for carbon dioxide and denier of humanity’s effect on the climate. Despite protests from green groups Happer is determined to take his seat just as soon as Miami can dig their airport out from the fifteen feet of snow they got in the last seventy two hours.

TV’s hit show Empire star Jussie Smollett has been charged by Chicago police with perpetrating self hate crimes. Prosecutors claim to have evidence going back years of Smollett discriminating against himself because of his race and sexual orientation.   

One thing all sides agree on with the Green New Deal being put forth by the electoral suicide wing of the Democratic Party: It will cost a lot of green.

President Trump is planning to meet with North Korean Commie King Kim Jong Un to discuss houseboats and hairdos. The president claims total diplomatic victory on the Korean Peninsula. “Since the last time Kim and I chewed the fat his country hasn’t nuked us or the South Koreans once.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

V Day 19

Redheaded and bodied Cupid was detained at the border between Mexico in your mind and the kitchens of Trump Isolationist International.

Don’t bring your love. Don’t bring your drugs. Don’t bring your kids. Don’t bring your needs.

Bring your disease.

There was no safety net when my grandparents blew in with the snow. They didn’t have the luxury of being piled into a ship. They swam here from Europe. My mother’s paternal grandfather walked here from Russia. Never even stopped to take a piss. 

I was in love when I was young. I was in love with being young. And if you were young and pretty or young and charming or young and easy I might have fallen in love with you. I didn’t seem to have a say in the matter. Or I did but it came from such a deep place I couldn’t hear it. I just did it. Guys.

I think the government should close down and stay closed until every taxpayer gets some reasonably good head and or laid. If it is spring, every college student should crack their coconut at least twice before taking final exams. If they dropped out and are living at home they should join a midnight masturbation chat room. Paws without Laws would be one example.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos is just the beginning. I think all billionaires who want to seize an entire part of the city and kill off all the used book stores should show their pecker. Let’s vote on it. A show of small hands.

Lonely people will probably have to buy chocolate for themselves. But that’s okay. Chocolate is both bitter and sweet. Like love. Like loneliness. Like life.

You’re cheating on me with your phone. You are absolutely, completely, undeniably fucking your phone. It is always hovering around your lips. It vibrates in your jeans. You’re fingering him- iHim- all the time. Stop it!

Yeah, that’ll happen.

Happy Valentine’s Day and IV and MK 2 LA late J Bon Chance! If the term sweetheart did not exist the poets would coin it for you

Don Arrup

Satire1