Corona Bona

The lithe blond in dark glasses with the seeing eye dog is not blind

She’s just American and doesn’t believe anything she sees

Seeing is not believing

The 320 pound former alter boy offensive guard for the LA Rams

Has lost his faith but not his memory

Priest meat comes back up sometimes decades later

Did Biden slip her a finger or were his hands so busy

That like his tongue he didn’t know what it was doing?

November choice: Paw Daddy or The Grabber

Trump promises we’ll all be out of the prisons we pay for

By the 2024 presidential election

But keep the masks, he commands, since his is the most popular

The mayor of San Francisco is murdering New Yorkers daily

For years she was just playing with us with the technology

Then she unleashed her Chinatown and you can’t go to work without a prom gown

I miss sports, theater, it’s f’ing Dance Month for Christ’s sake

Two Bronx alley cats fighting over a meatball drew over two thousand yesterday

Governor Cuomo wearing underpants over his head collected his bet from De Blasio

April Fifteenth, the darkest, doomest day of the year came and went

Just another hump in the shapeless weeks we live in

The IRS shrugs while the Fed prints money worth less than toilet paper

Mardis Gras was a horror movie only nobody knew

It was just so much fun until I turned blue

This is not your father’s flu

Don Arrup

Satire1

Hold That Tiger

Now that a number of lions and tigers (no bears? On my!) have tested positive for the coronavirus at the Bronx Zoo experts admit that they are not sure whether household pets could be carriers and even sufferers of same. So Satire1 in its ever vigilant pursuit of truth takes to the culture’s wider net of experts for their opinions on this dilemma.

Tarzan

“Tarzan wrestle a lot of lions who thought Jane looked yummy and no problem. I’ve had colds but Jane blames Tarzan naked all the time.”

Hercules

“My first labor was to slay the NeMEAN lion as if most lions aren’t mean. That impervious fur of his made for a great coat but it had a stench of skunk squirt and camel fart. If Nemean had a virus he didn’t mention it while I was strangling him.”

Sheena

“I was by far the first of the leopard skin fashion craze only I got the real thing off of a very uncooperative kitty. I might have caught a few sniffles in that skirmish but her skin has kept me cozy in all the right places and is still the Queen of the Jungle dress.”

Cowardly Lion

“I saved that Wizard’s ass and he blew me off with a tin medal when what I really needed was some decent personal protection equipment. I should have fed him to those horny monkeys.”

Tony the Tiger

Really? We can catch the Coronavirus? It’ll be hard to remember to wear my red bandana over my snout instead of around my neck because I always feel GRRREAT!

President Donald Trump

“I’ve wrestled a number of fat cats. Fat. Cats. And New York is the densest jungle in the world. Believe me, you been what I’ve been through you know to keep at least six feet distance between your person and their claws.”

(Full disclosure: The author is a Towson University Tiger)

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Pandemics for Dummies

Working from home, Satire1 continues to interview the culture’s leading experts on some of the pressing issues of the day.

SOCIAL DISTANCING

Quasimodo, Hunchback of Notre Dame

“The Corona virus really hit Paris last month but I’ve been practicing social distancing for most of my life.” 

Howard Hughes, billionaire hermit and former aviator

“After dating 19 year old Jane Russell there really wasn’t much to go out for after that.”

Lone Ranger, crime fighting vigilante cowboy

“Tonto, Silver and I tend to keep to ourselves anyway. Besides, this mask starts to itch after a while.”

MASKS

Batman, unitard wearing gadget guru good guy

“I know Superman doesn’t wear one but if you want a piece of that Catwoman action you play by her rules.”

Man in the Iron Mask, loser in a swashbuckling adventure

“Well, the dungeon makes for the social distancing and the mask gets really cold at night but the worst thing is that I can’t remember if I’m the king or the doppelgänger.”

Darth Vader, next president of the United States

“After I was pushed into the lava at Mustafar I just picked up this mask with the built in ventilator and speech enhancer at the nearest Death Star. This recent bug definitely brought out the hoarders.”

Catwoman, you know her

“What woman doesn’t want nine lives- all at the same time?”

HANDWASHING

Pontius Pilate, former Roman governor of Judaea

“I’ve been washing my hands of that damn Mideast posting for twenty centuries now over a carpenter I met maybe twice.”

Lady Macbeth, former interim Queen of Scotland

“If that damn cotton ball of a husband of mine would have just done his job I wouldn’t have been exposed to the King’s blood. And the King was definitely infected with a curse.”

Mr. Clean, big bicepted genie in a blinding white T shirt

“I’ve been in ten thousand Men’s Rooms and nine guys out of ten spend more time pulling their zipper up.”

Be safe. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

*Satire1 celebrates its twelfth  anniversary. Thank you, readers.